Husband and Mother arguing

[Onslow1985]

My friends, husband, mother and stepdad all went out to enjoy the sunshine this weekend and spent hours in a beer garden drinking. Lovely night had by all, however the drink hit me the wrong way and my husband and mother agreed it was time to leave. My husband told me to give him my phone so I wouldn’t lose and my mother responded with a sarcastic comment about it being controlling. Wrong thing to say and she apologised as she doesn’t believe this however my husband is understandably angry & offended. All just a misunderstanding in drink. I feel it’s my fault for getting in that state in the first place and not sleeping or eating because the situation is making me so anxious. My husband and I have faced a lot of challenges dealing with 5 miscarriages and sometimes it affects our relationship. I might rant to my mother the odd time but realised that this is not the right thing to do. Any advice on how I approach this, I feel I’m stuck in the middle and my husband is angry thinking I’m not on his side.

If you're stuck in the middle it's because you've put yourself there. Why does your husband believe you are not on his side? It sounds like you are enmeshed with your mother and so she has overstepped boundaries.

They were discussing the situation and my husband feels I didn’t step in but I can’t deal with the confrontation and have spoken to my mother separately.

Why can't you be trusted with your own phone. Your DH and MIL are as bed as each other. Carry on if you don't mind being used as a pawn. Beware men that want to save you from yourself = they want power over you.

It was genuinely so I wouldn’t lose it as was drunk. But my mother has interpreted it the wrong way.

I might rant to my mother the odd time but realised that this is not the right thing to do.

When was the last time you praised your husband to your mother and was that a rare occurrence ? Is her lasting impression that he is a net negative in your life ? She is naturally going to be defensive of you and these rants may have cemented "bad, controlling husband" regardless of the truthiness of that statement.

Okay, if it's not about power and control your DH wouldn't be offended by your DMs comment. He would just brush it off like anyone else. No you are stuck between them. not fair to get angry with your DM if she is supporting you and you have been moaning to her about him.

Yes truth be told, I’m feeling like this is all my fault for confiding in my mother about arguments which we go through phases of. I struggle with my mental health after losing 5 pregnancies and it has affected our relationship. My husband struggles to put things into perspective I find and can get annoyed over very trivial things. But if I don’t speak to someone about it then I feel that my mental health suffers further.

Bullocks.

If somebody made a comment about you abusing your children would you just brush it off?

Yeah I must admit it I can see why my husband is annoyed by the comment. I just hope it doesn’t affect their relationship too much and my husband can try to move on from it.

Abusing children?

Pissed up adults have a row … happens all the time, with nobody quite able to remember what was said, and what the tone was.
It really doesn’t need to be blown to into anymore than that .. all sides to move on

And she's already apologised

The power dynamic is the same.

But, point is, you wouldn't. So why should a man brush off a false accusation that he is abusing his wife.

🌬️

Storm in a teacup OP. Drunken misunderstandings happen. Time to move on.

As Findwen said, do you ever say nice things about you husband to your mum? Or is the only time you mention your husband to her, is when you are whingeing about him? If she only hears bad about him from your mouth, then that is all she'll know. There have been a couple of threads lately on here where the boyfriend has ran to his mum whenever him and the OP had an argument. So, his mum and his sisters/family understandably hated the OP. Because all they were told, was she was a horrible monster.

Ask yourself whenever you talk to your mum, is it only to whinge and moan about your DH? So is that the only takeaway view she and your family have of him?

Also, did you not have a shoulder bag or handbag (or even pocket) you could have put your phone in? And what about your purse/wallet, why were they so concerned about your phone, but not your purse? It all seems a bit strange.

That's a much more extreme example, but it still works.

I'm willing to bet that you'd have quite different reactions in the following two scenarios:

1. Being accused of abusing your children having been seen screaming at them in a public place
2. Being accused by someone who is known to be a shit stirrer and doesn't like you - but you didn't do anything.

Context is key. But an overreaction to an accusation is normally an indicator of a guilty conscience (even a little bit). If OP is running to her mum after every row, then DM probably has a dim view of him. DH probably knows this. But if the rows are involving his controlling behaviours, then maybe he was rightly triggered.

I think you ought to go to counselling. Trying to emotionally manage an angry husband is awful. It’s not just a small fight, it has kicked off some unpleasant family dynamics which you need to talk to someone about before your mental health suffers

Nope. I don't abuse my children in any way, shape, or form, but you best believe if somebody said something along the lines that op's mum said it would be the last time we ever shared breathing space. I do not mess around with that shit. Some people are just trouble and I refuse to give them so much as an inch to disrupt my peace.

@Onslow1985 just be careful that you aren't given any ultimatums or asked not to spend time with your DM. It sounds a little like you feel like you are in trouble - you haven't done anything wrong. It is completely normal to talk things through with your DM. Nobody should be sanctioning your conversation with your DM or anyone else.

And if I was op's husband, unless she was ethusiastically denying it, the moment we got home I would have grabbed my stuff and left. I wouldn't have even given her a chance to explain what the just happened, I would have got the fuck up out of there.

It’s good that your mum apologised. Did she need prompting that it was rude? Drunk people talking shit is obviously normal but I understand why your h is pissed off. If a woman had looked after her drunk husband’s phone then the worst comment they’d get is him being like a child.

pp are right about negative comments about your h affecting your mums opinion on him. If you only talk to her about negative stuff he’s done and said then she’s going to think badly of him. You know how drunk she was but jumping to controlling makes me think that you need to balance stories more.

@Meowzabubz you are coming off as either very fragile or like it has hit a nerve. The adult thing to do would be to put it into perspective and if required have a conversation about it. Given the DM has apologised I don't think further discussion is required really.

She really isn’t trouble this is the thing. She is a good person and I think her overprotectiveness got in the way as she sees how much I struggle with my mental health daily and has probably heard about too many petty rows from me.

I just leave at the first red flag and that would have been a huge red flag. So if I was op's husband, fuck that shit, I'd be out.