Is this what she meant?

[StillSoLost]

I had a very emotionally abusive upbringing and years of therapy as a result. The therapy has given me an understanding of how it happened and tools to survive daily but not every eventuality can be covered so I still find myself floored by life on a very frequent basis.

I can manage alone but not around other people very well. As a result, I have very few friends, no close friends and have spent most of my adult life single. I've never worked anywhere for longer than 3 years because I don't like people getting too close or knowing me too well.

A couple of years ago, I started a relationship with a good and decent man but I am really struggling with it. I feel I am constantly having to talk myself down, practise positive self talk and look elsewhere for understanding. Sometimes, I've posted on here (under different names), sometimes, I've talked it through with someone else and sometimes I've discussed it with him.

Everyone says things that makes sense. Here and irl it seems that the issues are mine and in my head rather than anything he is doing wrong.

I know I don't need to be in a relationship but I have nothing really to show for my years on this planet other than existing in survival mode. My mum set out to destroy me and I can't let her win. I can't let her have been right about me.

One of the things she used to say to me was no one would ever love me. I wasn't pretty enough to be loved. I wasn't slim enough (even when I was underweight and my bones were showing I realised later). She criticised everything about me. She said that I also didn't have any of the qualities that would make up for being unattractive so I didn't even have my 'personality' to fall back on.

She said the best I could hope for was that someone would realise they couldn't get the sort of woman they wanted and settle for me.

I've never been afraid of being single or a relationship ending but I have always been scared of being settled for. Because of this, I've only had very superficial relationships so no one ever felt a need to stay with me when they no longer wanted to (eg through convenience or obligation).

A few weeks ago, we were discussing men who pursue much younger women prompted by a young (23) year old woman I know who began dating a man in his 50s and this led to me mentioning a previous ex of mine who would exaggerate the age difference between us to make it appear that I was younger than I was.

Anyway, my partner made a comment about those men being a bit sad and most men by the time they reached their 50s were a bit more realistic about the women they wanted to date. I asked him at the time if that meant he had settled for me because I'm a similar age to him. He said no and that he loved me etc but some men still chase young women when they've got no chance with them and then wonder why they're still single. He said the right things I think. I've read women on here saying similar but it just feels like lip service.

I've read similar on here about men becoming more 'realistic' about women they approach when they get older or realising what's actually important.

But isn't that the 'settling' my mum was talking about? Realising they can't have what they want and going for someone more attainable? I can't imagine everyone just feels settled for and I really do. It's just making me feel so sad and lost.

Thank you 😁

We did.

I understand what you are saying. My rational brain knows this and it's something I tell myself every day.

He tells me similar but I don't 'get' it. I know that I look at him and I love him and I fancy him. I know I would choose him over absolutely anyone else regardless of who they are, what they have and what they look like. I tell myself it's the same for him. I've done the whole 'fake it till you make it' but, the more time that passes, it becomes harder not easier.

IRockdontyaknow

Thank you for such a thoughtful post.

Tbh, I do do those things. It's how I've managed to achieve the things I have, it's how I've finally managed to be in a position where I've taken on a permanent job and it's how I can now get up and walk from one side of the room to another in front of other people.

Unfortunately, he doesn't realise I'm doing it constantly. Every minute of every day. He thinks that I'm fine most of the time and then, every now and again, something triggers a thought or a fear in me and I have a wobble. He doesnt understand that I'm in a constant state of 'fight or flight' and the huge amount of mental energy it takes just to go and sit in the pub and have a nice evening. Even when I'm having fun, laughing, appear to be confident, its there all the time and it can be overwhelming without warning and I have to leave. I'm not being dramatic by saying that but I've had panic attacks in public places before and, tbh, it's embarrassing.

I couldn't write down the thoughts when they appear because it's a constant interior monologue. I've done the whole silencing the thoughts, replacing them with a more positive narrative, challenging them, using CBT techniques to reframe situations. And I've been successful to a degree but it's all very superficial. It's what means I can get from the start of the day to the end of it. It's what means I eat healthily, meet my deadlines at work, can shower and dress every day, my house is (reasonably!) tidy, I can sit in the pub for a couple of hours, have hobbies etc.

I’ve been reading through the thread and the first thing that sprang to mind was; what sort of parents/upbringing did your mother have herself: she sounds very damaged. Then I read that you described her parents as wonderful and that confused me.
It seems like she was left very bitter after her accident at such a young age that took so much of her life from her and once she had her own child she didn’t have the emotional intelligence to see you as an entity entirely separate to her and so she took out her frustrations on you.
All of our childhood experiences stay with us. I behave in certain ways around certain things and I know why that is; it’s from a grief that has never really healed. Embrace the love in your life. Enjoy your new job. Remember that not everything we were told as kids was true x

Okay, sorry but I'm going to be really harsh here and then I'm going to go, you see you have really got into my psyche and I think it's because to some degree I recognise your experience and see myself in there somewhat. I could see myself being like you had I not followed a different approach.

You have allowed your mum to entirely take over you. You are your thoughts and you seem to be entirely obsessed with dwelling on what now must be the shortest part of your life. Even with the comments you receive you clearly enjoy the comments that speak about how awful your mother was and how awful it was for you.

For someone with a first class honours degree in psychology and who works in a therapeutic setting to some degree at least, you must be aware of many who have experienced more severe trauma who have not allowed it to overcome them. I'm worried you advise trauma experienced children when your approach is to remove yourself, shut down and to ruminate endlessly on your negative thoughts and feelings. And you might have intellectually understood the therapeutic approaches but you clearly have not immersed yourself in the process or you would not still be endlessly ruminating on the minutiae.

You say you love your husband but regularly shut down completely, literally shutting yourself away with no explanation. You obsess about every tiny detail, I mean the eye make up? It must be utterly exhausting and bewildering for him. I'm assuming you were also the person who went to the festival and didn't come out of the tent because you couldn't face dealing with his friends. If not you have a remarkably close writing style, story and approach to life.

Like many who stick themselves in a bottomless hole of self pity and despair while living a life, which may appear charmed, you constantly and relentlessly think about yourself and pick apart every word and phrase, gawd it's just so....well...endless. You might want to thank your lucky stars you survived the trauma. You had the luck of the draw when it comes to brains, forget looks, you've had the intellect which is far more valuable (well unless you are a supermodel). You have been born into one of the richest countries in the world, given a fantastic education and you have experienced a rewarding career. You no doubt live quite a comfortable lifestyle now. Unfortunately I often see those who don't survive the trauma or who survive without the intellectual ability and swap one trauma for another for the rest of their lives.

So yes, your mum was awful, you had a shit start that's made you question your attractiveness but ffs... You are 50, who the fuck cares how attractive you are, it's so unimportant in the end. And the most annoying thing is, I bet you are fucking attractive and you can't even allow yourself or your husband just an enjoyment of that fact. Try being an actually unattractive 50 year old with no money to buy clothes or make up or get a decent hairdresser.... It's the least interesting thing about anyone I know. And with each passing year it becomes less interesting.

So sorry, I think you need to stop ruminating and take action. Instead of locking yourself away and ruminating get out there and give of yourself in some way. Get out of your own head and into the thoughts of others... How can i help you, how can I be of service.... You are stuck on an escalator going in the wrong direction and all you have to do is turn the fuck around.

This has to be the best advice I have ever read on Mumsnet. I agree wholeheartedly and hope the OP takes note!

There are a few things I'd like to say.

I feel hugely empathic towards the abuse you've suffered and how it is still affecting you today. Your mother was no mother at all. I'm so sorry she did that to you.

I actually believe him that he does love you. But he is having to modify his behaviour too as you don't like compliments and he clearly wants to give you them. I bet he can sense you don't really believe him. Do you think this causes him to walk on egg shells due to the dynamic created.

I also found out in counselling that the world tells many people who they are, when growing up. This is often false and we feel at odds with what they tell us because it isn't our true identity. You are almost certainly still wearing that cloak of shame your mother wove for you and forced you to wear.

I just want to tell you that you don't have to act out that narrative anymore. She can't tell you who are anymore. Give yourself permission to stop acting this narrative. It's scary writing your own narrative but it's also exciting finding out who you are. Without someone's permission or approval but your own.

I am no psychologist but you seem to me like you have complex ptsd. Have you ever had specialist therapy? I would recommend EMDR. It helps reset your brain from the trauma that you suffered.

Maybe have a google and see what's available for you.

I don't know if you're spiritual (not necessarily religious) but have you heard of a meditation called cutting the cord? There are many on youtube. I feel mentally free after doing meditation. The guided words to cut your mum's binded words to you may help you feel free. Just a suggestion. Of course, you can choose what to do. I just find meditation helps.

Good luck to you.

A round of applause for this comment.

OP, I have been thinking about your post for a couple of days now. Trying to find the right words to write. Hoping to conjure up a response that could magically undo the years of abuse; an antidote to the poisonous words your mother whispered in to your ear for all those years. I know that it is impossible. That you are already doing all the right things and that advice from a stranger on the internet will never weigh as heavily as your own mother’s words but FWIW…

Your mother was wrong about you!

You know that already. But you are still trying to prove that she was wrong. Prove it to her, but also to that small part of yourself that cannot let go of the notion that somehow, in some way she could have been right all along.

But it doesn’t matter how much proof you gather, because your mother’s opinion wasn’t based in facts and logic, it was seeded from her own insecurities and jealousy. It was always about her not you.

Think about how much proof flat-earthers have that their belief is wrong, yet they still believe it, and they will always find a way to twist the evidence to the contrary to fit ‘their reality’!

The thing is, it is enough just to know she was wrong and just live your life without the burden of proving yourself. Just to be happy in the knowledge that the Earth is indeed round and will go on spinning regardless!

Let’s say you have brown eyes, but your mum told you they are green. You can see in the mirror that they look brown but, you think, your mum has no reason to lie, so you grow up believing they are in fact green.

Then one day you figure out that your mum has lied to you and you start to question what colour they actually are.

You look in the mirror and see the truth for yourself. Your eyes are brown. But for some reason it isn’t enough just to see it, just to know it, you want other people to acknowledge it too. But people don’t just go around talking about eye colour so you have to ask. ‘My eyes are brown right?’ And everyone says ‘Yes, they’re brown, of course they are.’ And you feel validated. But then one person says ‘Yes, they are hazel brown.’ And you think ‘What does that mean? Is hazel brown a greeny brown? What if my mum was at least a bit right? But surely they would have just said green if they thought they were green? But you asked if they were brown, maybe they thought you want them to be brown so they were just telling you what they thought you wanted to hear. Maybe everyone else did that too.’

So, you go to an optician and they confirm it for you, your eyes are brown. But then you see someone online talking about their green eyes and you think your eyes look the same colour. The doubt starts creeping back in.

No matter what though, you can always look in the mirror. And see the truth for yourself. Your eyes are brown. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks only what you know. And you can see the truth.

Obviously. Your mother’s lies were far more insidious than this. Far more cruel and twisted. Far harder to unpick from reality. But it’s clear from your posts that you have already done this. And that is huge! Truly!

The thing to try and remember is that you can easily find the proof you need but, in searching for it, you can also find contradiction.

Think of the celebrities you find attractive. Be it Beyoncé, or Cindy Crawford or Pedro Pascal (or whoever!) You won’t have to search hard on the internet to find someone who is more than happy to tell everyone that they don’t think they are attractive. That they are in fact ugly, or stupid, or talentless. But you know those people are just trolls. Trolls who get satisfaction not just from putting others down but also from watching everyone else expend time and energy trying to convince them they are wrong. They don’t care about the truth, they just want to mess with people and hurt people. They enjoy seeing people get riled up. It gives them a sick sense of power watching others try to convince them they are wrong. Their opinion therefore must be important.

Your mother was just a troll. She knew everything she said to you was a lie. She enjoyed the power her words had over you, how much control she had over your self image.

I am sorry for rambling on. I do hope you manage to find peace. You should be immensely proud of yourself for everything you have accomplished. In spite of your mother, you have manage to build this great life for yourself; forged a career, found a partner who truly loves and appreciates you. May you find the tranquility you so richly deserve.

I disagree with this post.
If you have suffered trauma as a child/baby/infant, it completely shapes your psyche and core beliefs.
It often results in a splitting of the psyche, see Structural Disocciation.
There is no way to get 'out of your head' unless you are suggesting the OP starts masking as she may well already be doing but that is never going to allow you to connect with your authentic self and heal your inner child.
For that healing to occur requires probably years of psychotherapy or trauma therapy (definitely not CBT).

Something that I think of when things are difficult in terms of changing our lens of the world is: the brain has plasticity. Lots of information out there regarding how the brain changes and carries on changing in relation to internal and external stimuli. Something so hopeful in knowing we can change no matter what age we are.

Also, there's a really interesting podcast called The Healing Trauma Podcast with lots of top names visiting. The last few have included a faith element so go for earlier ones if that doesn't appeal. And lots of different podcasts to try as well eg Complex Trauma Recovery is more indepth regarding approaches if that's interesting to you. I always take something away from these podcasts 'for my tool box'.

Another thing I would say op, from personal experience, I think you should tell your partner exactly how you feel. Tell him how much you struggle with everyday situations and how you find it difficult to believe that he loves you. I think he deserves to know as at the moment you are sort of decieving him. I have been on the receiving end of that, my ex didn't tell me about how much he was struggling and how much he didn't trust me (because of trauma). When he finally did tell me it came as a massive shock which ended our relationship, not because of how he felt but because he had hidden it from me and I was blindsided.