Married, but not had sex in 9 years

[SoBloodyHorny]

Hello lovely ladies. This is my first post so please be kind 😇 and it's a kinda long one so sorry in advance!

So, DH and I have been married for nearly 10 years. We didn't have sex before we married, although we had both had previous sexual partners. Don't want to drip feed, but it was a decision we made because it felt right at the time.

Anyway, things went swimmingly once we were married and had some satisfying sex. Quite a lot of it, actually. I was so glad we were as compatible as we turned out to be. He is the only man who has ever made me cum so that was a winner! Buuuuut, I found out I was pregnant after 2 months of marriage. We had sex on the day we found out, but haven't had sex since. It's almost exactly nine years.

First, it was because I had HORRENDOUS morning sickness, then we were both absolutely shattered from baby duties, then... well, I don't know what happened then. We just didn't do it. Ever again.

So now, I find myself in my mid forties, married with a child. Life in general is good. I love my family and I know they love me. But I want sex. I want lots of sex and honestly don't know what to do about it. The sensible grownup side of me knows that he would do LITERALLY whatever I asked him to. He has dropped many hints that he wants to, but I have exactly ZERO confidence in my ability, my attractiveness (I'm a larger lady as my Mum would say), in anything really.

Not entirely sure what I'm asking. Maybe some advice or a good head wobble. I feel too embarrassed to talk to my friends about it. Thanks for reading if you got this far x

So... You both want to have sex, so you could just... have sex?

Not sure what the problem is - you both want sex. It's not like one of you does and the other doesn't.

Glass of wine, child out the house if possible, lights down low, soft music, just start simple - a nice massage og something. Don't think, 'tonight I'm going to have sex,' take the pressure off a bit. Think, 'tonight I'm going to spend some quality time with the man I love' and take it from there. Maybe try some old school snogging after the massage, some hand action but no pressure. Take it slow and see where the night leads.

You both want this, so it's just remembering how to connect. Good luck!!!! 🍆

OMG just grab him and shag him! He’ll be delighted

Maybe start with sending saucy texts to each other and then what @Arewethebadguys says. Have a slow build up.

Movie, alcohol, cuddles.... kissing....

There’s only one way to find out…

terrible advice but I’d probably get drunk first!

Aw this is so hard for you, I know you know you're not alone in this but there are no easy answers. 9 years is a long time. It may be irreversible- that's a difficult truth to accept. But it may not be irreversible.

I think you probably need professional support to help you. Some sort of couples counselling.

All the best x

Just tell him something like "you want sex, I want sex,but I'm worried I won't be any good after all this time and/,or you don't find me attractive.

He'll jump your bones.

Can you build up to it? Are you affectionate physically? Just ramp that up a bit without putting pressure on either of you. It should gain momentum and your confidence will build slowly.

And/or just say it how you’ve said here. Blurt out or text “I don’t know how we got here but I’d like to try and reinvigorate our physical relationship, I just feel a bit low in confidence about it all…”. See what he says and go from there.

Please talk to him. Tell him you want to restart your sex life. Do it by text if you are feeling too awkward. Or just blurt it out.
Get childcare, book a night in a hotel, or a weekend away, whatever it takes.

I tend to be quite blunt and assertive, possibly verging on scary. Massages tend to lead to what you want. Just saying.

Get naked, kiss, touch each other. Just do it.

Also what about holidays, naked beaches or just lolling around in the bikini, do you not get turned on?

He wants to. You want to. A glass of wine and maybe a sexy film?

Dim lights or no lights and lots of candles. A nice new nighty, visit to the hairdressers and beauticians. If any of that is your thing.

Can you work on your confidence with maybe self help books/podcasts. Or stepping out of your comfort zone to try something new (doesn't have to be anything major or big)

If confidence is an issue, maybe a slinky nightie or babydoll, maybe lights off or a candle or two. Hopefully once you've done it a couple of times your confidence will come back.

I can see it's tricky to change the dynamic but you can either have an honest conversation or just start with being physically affectionate and go from there. Good luck!

If your main concern is body confidence, you could text or tell your dh that you want to have sex, but you need him to instigate it just to break the ice? If you text him, make it fruity so he knows he's on a promise 😁
Another suggestion is booking a night in a hotel. It may be easier to start off in unfamiliar surroundings. I'm sure you'll be at it like rabbits once you've done it once.
Do you still have regular physical contact with him like hand holding, kissing goodbye etc? I think it's really important to touch each other regularly to maintain that connection.

Word of advice though... if he does make the first move and you're not in the mood at the time, and reject him, you might not get a second chance. That's a long time to wait, and I bet his confidence is low too.

Yeah I’d talk to him. He wants it from you. Have a Dutch courage if need be and start with a snog and just enjoy being close to him and you’ll get back into the swing of things. Remember he makes you cum. Go for it.

Oh love. Your husband loves you. YOU! Not an image of someone else that he would prefer to be at it with but actually you! Stop faffing around and shag your husband! Might be awkward the first time, so what? And the more you shag him and the more you see how happy and thrilled he is to be having sex with his wife, the more confident you'll be.

Recommend watching ‘Goodby Leo Grande.’ Deals with such an issue. I thought the subject of ‘re-engaging’ with sexuality when one doesn’t feel sexually free, was dealt with really sensitively.

Honestly I think 9 years might be too long. Do you kiss or touch each other at all? Like cuddling when you sleep? You need to have a serious discussion with him to see if you can come back from this

Alcohol is the answer. It's been 9 years it's like starting again it's understandable your nervous. Everytime iv had sex with a new guy for the first time or a one night stand lots of alcohol has been involved then when your comfortable you won't need it.

Ozempic- because life is too short to feel like this. Asda do a version and no GP needed.

And alcohol!! Brilliant advice here- go for it and have fun!