I feel quite broken.

[Ohwellithappens]

I will be brief. I had a relationship after many many years and it ended last year. I am in my mid 50s. I was incredibly wounded, really hurt. I don't lie in relationships and I have never cheated. My ex bf was separated going through a divorce, he had numerous affairs in his marriage. The last time I spoke to him was last autumn, he said things had been awful horrible for him etc in fact he had started seeing someone very soon after we split. I stopped following him on social media but hadn't unfriended him and all of a sudden he started liking lots of my posts. God knows why. I feel shit, I literally feel numb meeting any guy or friendzone them. Yet he seems to be on a treadmill of weekend breaks with his gf, taking her to meet his family etc. I know I sound bitter but I feel so broken yet he just seems to bounce back having a fantastic time. My life is full of wonderful friends but not love. Any advice please?

Social media can be weaponised to create this impression but honestly its an illusion.

He was a sad horrible man when you were with him and he is still a sad horrible man inside. This is the truth.

Try and get therapy to get the Dick head out your system, sign up to lots of hobbies and keep open to new experiences and what makes you happy and love will follow. Believe me you still have another 30 years as women live on average 85 years now so take control and make the next 30 happy ones 💕💕💕💕💕💕

He had numerous affairs in his marriage. Of course he moved on quickly. He's a serial shagger. Getting off with lots of women is his MO.

You have lots of friends so meet up with them all as much as you can and try to enjoy your summer.

Forget about meeting a man for the next year. Just have fun and do all the other things you love. Ask friends for help in doing this.

@Dentalflossie @CantBelieveNaive thank you both. I just feel empty.

I think you've dodged a bullet with your ex! He sounds awful. From what you have written, he would have never been faithful or loyal to you so he's not worth your energy! Let him be someone elses problem. You need to unfriend him, and completely remove him from your life.
Focus on what makes you feel good and being around good people.

The trouble I have is that I felt we were emotionally very connected and he was very sweet, even though there was a fuck lot that was wrong with him. And he really lied to me after things ended because well who knows. But I just feel so empty and deeply lonely.

This is known as hoovering. It's what cheaters do to draw you back in so they can use you. Unfriend him.
If you want love, staying in contact with a serial cheater is not going to help. You have to let go of him completely before you can love again.

Thanks @XChrome , just to be clear he didn't cheat on me. But I think it doesn't matter really, you're point is valid. It's like he's emotionally messing with me...

I would avoid a man who "had numerous affairs in his marriage".
I know people can and do change but it does show what he is capable of.

He has done what many men do and jumped straight into a new relationship. Despite the social media posts, it may mean nothing to him and just be a way of not being alone & getting regular sex.

I would feel pity for the woman he is now with and relieved to be free of him.
You deserve better.

It's the feeling of being disposable and replaced so easily by someone who I thought loved me. Men just seem to do this. I find it so exhausting trying to be happy, maybe some can relate to this, the exhaustion of filling weekends or working to find happiness. I have no family. But this shit, has had at least 4 affairs when he was married then had 2 relationships after being separated and still manages to meet a decent woman, and what's more has a close relationship with his adult children admittedly it does seem to revolve around throwing obscene amounts of cash at them.

I do get exactly what you mean.

My exH is that man you describe more or less and it's irritating to see.
But it seems women are still prepared to have relationships with men with very chequered relationship histories. 🤷‍♂️

OP I'm wondering if you're vulnerable and need some time to reflect on this relationship. In my opinion, you were taken in by a womaniser, he sounds very shallow, jumping from woman to woman. I'm wondering if he didn't hoodwink you.

I'm guessing he was charming and mirrored you so you felt like there was a deep connection when there wasn't. I also wouldn't be sure that he didn't cheat, he sounds like he can't keep it in his pants. He probably love bombed you at the beginning.

You also didn't take any notice of big red flags such as the fact that he cheated throughout his relationship. When you're lonely it's easy to have rose tinted spectacles and ignore warnings.

You need to block him on your phone and all social media. Focus on yourself, meditate, eat well, exercise, meet friends, go out and have fun. You'll soon forget about him.

This

Sorry you're suffering, it's so palpable from your words I had to say something. Obviously you're in pain and don't deserve to be kicked. But plz, understand your ex is very likely a covert narcissist. Telling a new partner all about multiple infidelities whilst married is classic narcissism. An uncomfortable confession seems admirably honest but it's actually a warning.

Narcissists check early for indicators of emotional "flexibility" in the people they date. I'm taking about what a partner will put up with and allow themselves to endure. A man with proven form is a hard pass for most women with healthy boundaries. Yet that information, straight from the horse's mouth, was overlooked and accepted by you for wanting to see the best in him. I think it would've been an encouraging sign of your tolerance for disrespect further down the line. And he's been correct so far, right?

Narcissistic relationships always involve third or fourth parties, always. There may or may not be physical cheating but they're the type to sew jealousy and suspicion into your thoughts, mess with your head and live there rent free. You aren't even together and it's happening now. Liking your post or whatever is further control, done remotely. If you're broken up they'll still need to have relevance in your life. So a person who can cut them off overnight is an almost unbearable proposition to a narcissist. You've heard from him because he feels secure you're still in a very dark place over him. And he's right again.

Don't be so available on social media for a few months maybe. Utilise those privacy settings, nobody who cares about you will mind. Embrace your true friendships. Do a little research into narcissists and relationships (when you're feeling stronger) and cut this man off. Today if possible

@cupcaske123 thank you. I really appreciate your reply. He certainly love bombed me. And I agree my mind discards the awful bits.

@Thinko I know the expression " narcissistic is banded around but I think he certainly had some traits. Why would he suddenly like 10 posts from months ? Other than to provoke me into looking at his and seeing him and his girlfriend...in fact if you were relatively newly divorced why would you even think that appropriate? I went no contact after our last conversation in November last year when he said how battered and bruised he was and lied that he was wasn't seeing anyone.
He is always the victim in his eyes
Is obsessed by status
Love bombed me
Numerous affairs while he was married and hops around to new relationships quickly

I agree he won't let me bloody forget him.

Can’t you block him?

Yes. For some reason I can't bring myself to do it. So I took the option not to see his notifications

He is a serial cheater. They don't change. So I would not be so quick to believe he has been faithful.
Be that as it may, you're right that it doesn't matter, since he is so manipulative. You have more than enough reason to call it quits.

He has no control over your thoughts. You do, or at least you will in time. Eventually you will become indifferent and wonder what you ever saw in him.

What do you mean you had a relationship after many many years ? Many many years of not dating? Many many years of being married?

Makes sense. if you're dealing with one of these types there'd be additional personality "quirks" like those you mention. Usually weird or unusual behaviours that fly under the subtlety radar. Materialistic to a point of obsession, superficial, status driven. Public perception is almost a life or death matter. Narcissists don't do emotional substance so will covet nice things instead, like they do people. Out socialising you're worn like an accessory. It's a strange feeling you may recognise yourself.

They're extremely calculating individuals. Social media stuff is always deliberate, nothing is done by chance. Sneaky.They'll open up to you about their friends, gossip about people who are possibly strangers to you. Disloyalty is 2nd nature to such people. He wants you snooping on his silly online photos, torturing yourself over his rebound relationship and you're doing exactly that. Control: is key. The attention HE wants from you he's now getting without you. Sorry to sound hardheaded but if this man contacted you later today would you feel compelled to respond? If so he's already got you!

Think about it..

He's partnered up yet still seeking external validation from you. You're allowing it to happen although you describe yourself as "broken" by your experience. I hope you find the strength inside to do the unexpected and cut him off. Don't be THAT ex

I understand you. Last year I was with someone who gave me heaps of anxiety. The person who once brought out the best in me began to bring out the worst, and it took an army for me to realize such a sad thing. It was hard because they were also the person I accidentally relied on to relieve my anxiety. It was harder because while I lost sleep and cried regularly, they were completely fine. I didn't understand it. I felt numb. By the way, you are not bitter, you are not alone. You are reacting appropriately in my opinion.

Take it from a trustworthy stranger!--this man is no man. He is trouble, he is toxic. The person you long to love is someone who will have no doubt in what they want. Sadly, he foolishly does not know what he wants. Allow that to comfort you. Allow what you're feeling to be your body's way of telling you, "This is not meant for you."

You owe freedom to yourself. There was happiness because of that man, but there will be happiness after him as well. And don't worry about being with a man right now--it's girls' time! It's YOU time. You deserve to piece back who you once were, who I'm sure is lovely. :) Regain your confidence, happiness, peace, and security. Those things do not require a significant other. There is much comfort in that. <3

@kah0703 @Thinko thank you for your kind, firm compelling responses. @kah0703 , the anxiety you mentioned really resonates with me.

That's right. He's probably also triangulating his current girlfriend with references to his ex to keep her insecure and pick-me dancing. If they can't make their partners jealous, thesd kind of people get bored.