married 17 years in love with someone else

[Sillybilly12345]

i been married for 17 years and have 3 kids.
my sister in law was my best friend, shes married to her first cousin which makes it my OH cousin too.
yeah married a family member.
het hudband has started texting me 4 years ago but i have warned him i will tell the family what his doing if he dont stop but he claimed he cant stop because his always really liked me and finding it hard to stop. well i couldnt block him, his wife is my bff and at times she would ring me off his phone or my OH would use my phone to ring him. we was very close as couples, our kids are best friends as they have 2 kids. i was afraid to tell my OH or my bff because it would have turned out really bad as my husband can get violent and let me tell you it wouldnt have ended well so i kept my mouth shut, my curiosity to text him back to know why his doing this had led to small convos eventually leading to longer conversations. he said his always fancied the hell out of me and even though he said he loved his wife he still wanted to speak to me and spend time with me (as couples).
It became an addiction and before u know it we spoke everyday on texting and facetime when OH was at work.
i felt guilty and scared but addicted at the same time. i didnt know what to do.
We fell in love, tried to break it off so many times i would find myself going crazy without him and so did he, his depression & insanity when i would try to leave him led to his wife getting suspicious because he could no longer hide his feelings for me infront of everyone, to he was kind, caring respectful about me and put me first.
we both became withdrawn from our OHs completely the more we spoke and all we wanted to do is spend time together and go out together as long as hr was around me he was ok, (going out as families together with our OHs and kids)

we became so madly in love we cant function without each other. we had mutual respect, laughter, share many interests and dreams etc.
something i have never experienced with my OH and neither did he with his OH’s.

his wife has grown more and more suspicious of his actions around me and around her when they was home alone. he wasnt himself when not around me and i felt the same although my husband isnt a big talker and our lack of communication in out relationship he didnt bring anything up to me about feeling suspicious so i thought he would never find out.
Our only dream and wish in this life was to 1 day end up being together when our children grow up, as i dont plan of abandoning my kids for a man even though i loved him i have put my kids first.
his wife became so suspicious she started to spy on him and eventually 4 years later she caught him texting me with a hey and a hey back.
and that is the day everones life has changed.
my OH and best friend was left devastated, i havent seen her since and we’ve not spoke again.i went home to my mother for the night so my OH can process his feelings and he took me back the next day and willing to forgive me and rebuild our trust, and same thing happened to him.

Now my marriage of 17 hasnt been the happiest, i understand its life and things cant always be happy and perfect with a cherry on top. My OH has always shut me down emotionally, put his cousins before me in terms of going out to eat or generally hanging out. going out with him would often end in anger, shouting at waitresses whoch always led to embarrassment. his not a very social person, we dont have much in common and he enjoys getting stoned. i could write a list but long story short, i understand thats not an excuse to cheat and nobody deserves to feel second best, but i also never really did feel attracted to my OH physically and sexually.

alot of people will say leave if unhappy but theres 3 kids involved.
its been 2 months since contact with my lover and i cant see a future without him in my life, ive never felt so lost in my entire life and he feels the same reports from other family members.

He said he will wait for me until im ready until the day he dies,

2 days ago i have left my husband and came to stay with my mother because i dont know if i can do this, if i can fix this marrage knowing that im in love with another man, i cant see myself sleeping in the same bed as my OH anymore, i have the 2 kids with me and he has 1, the kids seem ok for now but my middle son is the most affected by the break up and its not fair.
i just dont know what to do, go back to OH and fix my marrage for the sake of kids or stay seperated for a while and get back with the love of my life? i have had contact with him a few times during the revelation of the situation and he said he only went back to his wife if he hears i went back to my OH and is still willing to wait for me.
im lost on what to do, obviously my kids feelings come first before mine, but how can i live a lie with my husband??!!!! we completely have no connection whatsoever i dont think i can ever get over this and rebuild my marrage with him when it hasnt really been the same. i feel depressed lost and confused, because OH has never really been a good husband or a friend to me from the start, things are now worse between us we completely stopped communicating we only communicate when we snapping at each other and i feel like i can never be myself around him anymore

That was long OP. Basically you have been having and affair for years with your BFF husband's, which happens to also be your husband's cousin.
You are not a good friend , let alone BFF, you have been having an affair with her husband!
If you don't want to be married to your husband don't go backwards and forwards in the name of the children. This is more damaging to them.
Concentrate on your children and yourself.

Sort out practicalities of the day to day living, find a place to live, work out your finances, work on yourself and always prioritise your children. Keep things simple and don't do unto others what you don't want done unto you.
Can't see a future with your lover, otherwise you would have been together years ago.

Why is one child with your OH and the other two with you?

What an appalling, entitled and selfish thing to do! You’ve had a cheap affair with your husband’s cousin and your best friend husband. He’s not the ‘love of your life’, he’s the man ABUSING your BEST FRIEND by gaslighting her, removing her personal agency and right to informed sexual consent and your supporting him. As you are abusing your husband.

To be honest it’s tempting to say you deserve each other but the kinder side of me says what you need to do is leave your unhappy marriage and then have no contact with your husband’s family, any of them.

Start again and settle your children who must be utterly confused and blindsided by what is going on around them. Build a life as a single mum and put your children first as what I know from everyone I’ve known who became involved in an affair you become utterly obsessive and absent.

Stop putting your love life first.

Life’s to short not to love or be loved. Don’t go back to an already failed relationship.

Well that was vomit inducing self indulgent crap.

Leave your DH. If you were happy then you wouldn’t have cheated. Get yourself settled then decide what to do

Leave your husband. He is aggressive and gets violent. This could be dangerous for you. Get your other 2 children. They shouldn’t be with him either. Idk what the thing is with the other man. But you need to move very slowly and carefully. You're incredibly vulnerable. This could be an infatuation and fixation for one or both of you because you are in an unhealthy marriage.

What a pile of utter shite

Sorry if I offend you OP but you are not coming across as the innocent party in this. Both of you are wrong, quite entitled, and enabling each other in this horrendous shit show you call love. Think wisely about your actions, also just to remind you ‘the grass is greener where you water it’. At best, leave your marriage if unhappy and reinvest in yourself.

The old 'I am a mere woman who is not responsible for thoughts and actions it is everyone else's fault but mine' own it, deal with and find some adults willing to put the children first for a change

And so was writing his instead of he's/he is. It reads like teenagers.

I'm not condoning any action whatsoever by any party, there's fault everywhere. But my god, people are bloody judgemental, outright nasty at times on mum's net. Op may have done some wrong but everyone makes mistakes, ultimately she's looking for advice not a personality attack

She had an affair with her BEST FRIENDS husband and husband’s cousin. This is a huge betrayal. A double betrayal like this could easily lead to serious trauma for the innocent parties.

This is not forgetting to get the bloody milk. I hate the word ‘mistake’ when it comes to affairs.

We’re not judgemental we’re honest. It’s a horrible, nasty, cheap thing to do to someone who trusted you.

Why did you not leave you DH when you realised that you have feelings for someone else?

this going back and forth is not good for kids, make a decision, commit and stick to it. I would sort out finances, place to live, focus on yourself and kids all you seem to be focused on is your BFFs DH

You need to make a decision and the one not on the table for you is staying with your DH till your kids are old enough and then leaving the your lover as this a selfish choice and would not be fair on your DH. Choices are : You with stay with you DH and put everything into your marriage and you go no contact with your lover. Or you chose your lover and that’s the end of your marriage. Your life is a mess right now and it’s self made. The only thing I would observe is maybe your lover saw you as vulnerable and took advantage of you and your situation. You resisted for a long time yet he was persistent. I would not view him as a safe partner. In addition to this you said your DH would become violent if he found out? Did this happen? I find it strange we was willing to forgive so quickly. I do feel so much for your bf .. she seems to be the very innocent party in this. It’s a double betrayal for her and those are the worst.

H OP
you mentioned your husband has previously been violent - is this towards you?
Do you think there is a risk if you go back that the violence could escalate?
what about the kids in this situation - is he a risk to them?

What a self indulgent entitled load of cheap mills and boon waffle. You’ve betrayed your best friend for a cheap thrill. You and your affair partner are disgusting. You’re not star crossed lovers destined to walk hand in hand into the sunset, you’re cheap nasty tacky cheats shitting on your own doorstep.

Your marriage being over is what you need to be making a decision about now and supporting your kids rather than chasing dick.

Your husband being violent is a reason to leave you marriage as no one should tolerate abuse but shagging his cousin isn’t the way to go. Deal with your marriage and cut ties with your husbands family.

So you are married to a violent man, but sleeping with his brother (who seems to have preyed in your vulnerability), and the brother is married to their first cousin, who was your best friend.

Sounds like the brother has been using you to get one over on his brother.

Notwithstanding the affair, don't go back to a man that hits you. And realise that his brother is also no prince amongst men.

Personally I think having an affair with her best mates husband is far more nasty than people telling her the reality.

Im sick of people on MN calling long term affairs ‘ a mistake’ - no it’s a choice and actions have consequences. And this one’s a double betrayal. The wife is the one I’ll save my sympathy for. She’s the victim not the op

The school holidays have started 🙄

If a womean does it 'it's a mistake' a man 'you have to leave him, it's a red flag, he is trying to control you'

This mistake has devastated two families.

The husband and BFF have been betrayed.

The children have had their lives turned upside down. OP's children have been separated from their sibling, moved back and forth to gran's. Their wider family stability (cousin, close couples etc) has also been ripped from them when ordinarily they'd be able to rely on family love while their parents split.

On a scale of mistakes, this was a huge one. That went on for years.

Meanwhile, OP still obsesses over her lover and herself.

@harriethoyle

i can't see any teenagers writing this.

Sure...🙄

Grow up.

Your poor children.