Inappropriate or am i controlling?

[Teadrinkerlover]

Hi

Been with my husband since i was 16 now 38. Married for 17 years with 4 kids.

This started about 4 years ago.
After a family day out, that night i went on my husbands phone to send myself some of the photos from the trip (i was under the impression we knew everything about each other nothing was hidden no secrets.) I was shocked by what i found. There was a lot of adult content that had been received through a number of whatsapp groups he was in.
I was devastated and confronted him over it. He seemed slightly embarrassed and had debated weather to tell me about it but thought it would upset me. This had been going on for 6 months and hr never mentioned it.

I argued a lot over it. Tried to explain how disrepectful it was to me to our marriage. I was so hurt and upset. This continued for weeks/months. He firstly was apologetic and understood where i was coming from. But as i couldnt let it go he grew more frustrated with me. Saying all the other men with partners was doing it, its notmal its common etc it is no big deal.

I tried to move past it even though i was upset, but set boundaries that he wasnt to send pictures or comment on ones that he received. (Later i questioned if i was being controlling?)

I obssessed over it. Let it consume my thoughts. I checked my husbands phone a number of times (again am i controlling/in the wrong doing this even though there was a history). Each time it ended in an argument with what i seen on his phone. His argument was he couldnt control what people sent.

I was away for a weekend and on my return i checked his phone. He had sent an inappropriate picture to the friend group. I completely lost it. I couldnt accept that he broke a boundary. I said i didnt know where to go from here. After a lot of arguing/tears he said he would remove himself from this group. (He is still in 2 of the other group chats).

This was possibly 2 years ago. It still hurts when i think about it.

More recently i checked his phone and he had been mesaging a girl he had met in a running club. Yes it was innocent! Majority was about running. But there was a few chats i found uncomfortable.
1 He mentioned he was maybe taking the piss with me with the amount of time he was spending running and goin to exerecise classes. To which she responded typical wife. Only joking. He replied with a 🤣. Yes i understand this was a joke. And i am prob being highly sensitive but it hurt.

They had met at different runs/classes and in the health suite together. Yes i genuinely believe this wasnt planned. My husband is very sociable and she sounds to be to. So they would hav chatted quite a bit together face to face.
She is single 10 years younger and would have told him about her going out on dates and health problems which i thought was quite a lot of private info for someone uve only known for a few weeks. This brings me on to
2 he messaged her wishing her luck in an routine proceedure. Yes it sounds ok normal behaviour. But i believe i know my husband and he remembers nothing. I hav to remind him every week the kids schedules and they are the same times every week. Yet he could remember this girls appt and wish her luck?
3 on a trip away by himself he had msg her some everyday innocent things. Like a menu of the restaurant he was at. And he had also msg her first thing in the morn. I found this hurtful as i thought as his wife i would hav possibly been the first person he would msg. (Am i just being super sensitive here)
4 she had also sent him msg saying she was going to gym/health suite that i felt was an unnecesary invite. He felt it wasnt and it was just info on this is wat im doing exercise wise type thing?

As i read the messages i felt like i was having a panic attack. I confronted my husband who tried to shake it off saying she was just a friend that he didnt doing anything wrong. That it was all innocent. Again his response was he was goin to tell me about the messages but he knew it would upset me.

I was really angry and after a lot of arguments/talks i asked him to block her. I felt he was quite reluctant in doing this as he felt she had become a good friend. After he did. I asked him to remove her on another app that they followed eachother on for running purposes. He was even more reluctant to remove her off this as he didnt want to make a difference with her and the other runners. My argument was that he had already made a difference with her. I felt he was more concerned with her feelings when she found out he had blocked her than how i his wife was feeling over the situation.

My husband is not one for sending messages. He always says just ring them. This is why i am hurt by this messaging as its not him. And i feel the content was unnecessary to update eachother about nothing really in day to day life. I understand nothing happened but i worry where it would hav led? They had only known achother for about 3months but he called her a good friend. He said she had moved back home and didnt hav a lot of friends.

From the first incident of adult content. I feel i hav low self esteem little confidence, trust issues and i dont feel respected.

It is obviously still an issue on my side. In recent argument he has mentioned me being controlling telling him who he can and cant be friends with.

Am i in the wrong am i being controlling telling him what he can and cant do even if it hurts and upsets me. I know i am going behind his back looking at his phone. But i would never have found any of this out
Is it right for me to live in ignorance to what is going on.

Please advice needed on where to go from here.

I dont want to break up our family. I want to be happy with my husband. I want to feel respected by him and be able to trust him.

Or am i being a prude/jealous/controlling psycho? Is it down to me causing our marriage problems.

So he tried to minimise and normalise the adult content on his phone. It was hurtful to you so of course it was important. You had every right to be upset by it and the fact he just continued with his behaviour showed how little he respects you and your feelings.
And now he has begun this inappropriate relationship with this other woman. And again even though he knows you are unhappy about it he is unwilling to give her up.
He doesn't respect you or your feelings. He expects just to carry on doing what he wants to do no matter how much it hurts you. It is not the behaviour of a man in a loving and committed relationship.
You are not being controlling.

I'd say you're trying to control the type of relationships he has outside your marriage. I'd say you're trying to do this because you feel these relationships "take away" something from the personal and sexual bonds between you, a married couple.

I'd also say he's trying to control the flow of intimacy, both general and sexual, from him to you. He's holding some back, reserving it for other people. Most people would be upset by this.

Have you two ever had a conversation about how exclusive a marriage is, or should be? It sounds like he's become uncomfortable (bored, restricted, I don't know) with what you have together. Or maybe he just takes you and your exclusive intimacy with him for granted, and is trying to get something 'extra'.

I do feel you need to have in-depth talks. They may be hard. But don't accept accusations of being "controlling" because what you were really trying to be is "protective" of your relationship with each other.

I can't advise what you should do. Neither of my exes was willing to have this talk properly, so I divorced them for not respecting me or our marriage. Other outcomes are possible ... but, no, you are not being unreasonable.

It doesn’t sound like to me like you are being overly sensitive. I think I would also be concerned by his friendship with this woman if I were in your position.

Even if there is nothing more to it than what you have seen, his behaviour towards you is disrespectful. You have been together for a long time and raised his children. At very least, you deserve to be treated with respect.

Am i in the wrong am i being controlling telling him what he can and cant do even if it hurts and upsets me.

You can’t tell him who he shouldn’t speak to, that is controlling. But you can tell him what you will do if he does continue the contact.

Have a long think about what that would be. This isn’t about making threats, it’s about setting boundaries. I think couples counselling might be a good idea for you both. It could help you to establish and communicate your boundaries.

It sounds like the trust between you has been diminishing for some time and I don’t imagine you want to be checking his phone for the rest of your life. Again, I think seeing a counsellor would help you to work out how you can both rebuild trust.

And if you decide you would like to try couples therapy but he isn’t willing. I would tell him that you believe there are big problems in your relationship and you think counselling would be a good way to work towards resolving them. If he doesn’t want to try counselling then you are open to hearing how he would like to work towards a resolution. But you are no longer prepared to continue with things there way are.

Oh and BTW, the ‘I didn’t tell you because I knew you would overreact’ line is gaslighting 101! Suddenly the issue isn’t his deception, it’s your emotions.

Sending daily Mundane messages is a red flag. He is bored.

You let him away with the pictures so now it's in real life.

He can be in the wrong but also he is an adult so separately you can be controlling I would leave if my partner was acting like this but no I would not try and control an adult no matter how people dress it up control is control

I would let myself be treated like this though

F

I would be uncomfortable with him messaging the woman, yes.
I wouldn't be routinely checking anyone's phone.
You either trust him or you don't.

He doesn't respect you very much, he can't control what people send to whatsapp groups but he can leave the groups - not all men have gross little porn groups either

This friendship sounds like it could have been edging into something more and he shouldn't have entertained that either

Both these incidents tell you a lot about the type of man he is

@Teadrinkerlover, your discomfort is valid. You have every right to state your boundaries and set the consequences if they are crossed.

Re your H’s drooling groups, it’s pathetic that these sleazy juvenile men are getting a buzz from sharing their arousal. Putting his titillation ahead of your feelings speaks volumes about his disrespect and puerile maturity level.

I understand nothing happened…

Re this OW, plenty has happened. His head turned and he chose to invest in this inappropriate relationship. He’s been lapping up the frisson and her attention, and they’ve been building an emotionally intimate connection via all their contact, confiding and familiarity. His reaching out to her first thing every morning during his trip shows infatuation. It would be game over in my marriage.

He mentioned he was maybe taking the piss with me with the amount of time he was spending running and going to exercise classes. To which she responded typical wife. Only joking. He replied with a 🤣.

They are smirking at you, @Teadrinkerlover. Frankly, I don’t think he is actually going to give her up. He has been gaining huge ego validation from this ‘adventure,’ and is pushing back at putting distance between them. I wouldn’t be surprised if they lay low and then take it underground.

Both can be true at once. He fucked up/disrespected your boundaries and you AND you are controlling.

He's obviously not the man/partner you want him to be so you are trying to make him into that. He wants to do x,y,z , you're just not letting him.

Couples therapy might help if you're willing to try that.

I think your instincts are telling you his behaviour is damaging to your relationship and it sounds to me you are trying to keep things as you ‘thought they were’ to the best you can, but your instincts are screaming at you here. I think he is unceasingly likely to cheat and you can see it happening and he is in denial… could you attempt some counselling together? Is he unhappy somehow.. I think so and it needs addressing if his behaviour is to change. Equally you need to think what your red lines are. Don’t lose yourself in his bullshit behaviour. Best of luck xox

To be honest I couldn't deal with a spouse constantly checking my phone like I was a teenager, yes that is 100% controlling.

Clearly, the trust is gone. Have ou thought about couples counselling?

This.

What was the adult content? Unless it was full porn movies, I'm not sure I'd be that bothered.

As for cutting off the friendship, that's controlling. Men and women can be friends without wanting to shag.

If I was your dh I would leave.
You're too much.
This is no way to live.

You sound like a bit of a nightmare to me. I would be leaving if I were your husband.

what is the adult content that you are talking about?

are you of the opinion that men and women can’t be friends? He hasn’t gone out of his way to find this friend they met because they have things in common.

i would try and work on your own self esteem before you do anything else.

I do think you sound controlling. I would not date someone who thought they were entitled to go through my private messages repeatedly and instruct me on my future conduct in those messages.

If his behaviour is a boundary for you, you need to end the relationship. If you genuinely believe the only thing standing between you and your DH having an affair is you monitoring and policing him, the relationship sounds completely fucked anyway.

This.

I have read your op a couple of times and go be honest it could be either or both. The detail of the content is needed because you could be overreacting or you may not be.

I have plenty of male friends and colleagues who I would message. I don't see an issue with the messages content you detailed.

I wouldn't tolerate anyone controlling who or what I say unless it was indicative of an affair.

What exactly was this adult content? I do think you massively overreacted about what he was sharing with his friends and checking his phone so regularly is controlling and a massive red flag. He is entitled to some privacy and you refused to give it to him. I am pretty sure if the sexes were reversed everyone would agree that your behaviour there has been completely inappropriate and controlling.

His friendship with this woman however I can see this point. As PP said, his head may have been turned. If she was just an innocent friend, then your husband would have told you, unless he is scared of your reaction, which considering your history, is very feasible. So I can also see his side and it’s not healthy to be in a relationship where one half cannot be honest with the other because they’re too scared of the reaction.

Youve been married a long time. I do wonder if you’d both benefit from therapy as this marriage isn’t healthy at all.

I.agine if this thread was reversed. Everyone would've saying he has no right to go throrough your phone.
They would say he was controlling.

You either trust him or you don't. If jy partner did this to me I would leave. We all have a right to privacy. You are separate people however long you have been together.

Imagine if this thread was reversed

OK, then. I'm imagining a woman being active in half a dozen porn-sharing groups and sending at least one "inappropriate image" to them.

Funnily enough, I'm not imagining MN being all "There, there, hun, you did nothing wrong" about it! She'd be told in no uncertain terms that she damn well deserved to be found out and she's lucky she's still got a husband.

Same with the sneaky messages to her running "friend". In fact there have been several threads like that (woman with "friend", not porn) and replies are pretty harsh.

Your men's rights bullshit doesn't cut it here - as you'd have realised if you'd stopped to think for a split second.

Not sure why people dont see a problem with your husband being in a whatsapp group sending each other porn style photos. I actually dont believe youd all be ok with this.

I dont want to break up our family. I want to be happy with my husband. I want to feel respected by him and be able to trust him.
you cannot force someone to respect you though. And you cannot keep a family together behaving in these ways. And that‘s both of you.

he has checked out and you are behaving poorly as a result. So it is either put up with him sending and receiving porn style photos, and sit back and watch him attempt to start a relationship with another woman, or dont.

if he knows he is taking the piss with how often he is out, how much parenting is he doing? Id start by increasing that and going out myself for equal time to make sure i was as healthy as possible too.