Hi
Been with my husband since i was 16 now 38. Married for 17 years with 4 kids.
This started about 4 years ago.
After a family day out, that night i went on my husbands phone to send myself some of the photos from the trip (i was under the impression we knew everything about each other nothing was hidden no secrets.) I was shocked by what i found. There was a lot of adult content that had been received through a number of whatsapp groups he was in.
I was devastated and confronted him over it. He seemed slightly embarrassed and had debated weather to tell me about it but thought it would upset me. This had been going on for 6 months and hr never mentioned it.
I argued a lot over it. Tried to explain how disrepectful it was to me to our marriage. I was so hurt and upset. This continued for weeks/months. He firstly was apologetic and understood where i was coming from. But as i couldnt let it go he grew more frustrated with me. Saying all the other men with partners was doing it, its notmal its common etc it is no big deal.
I tried to move past it even though i was upset, but set boundaries that he wasnt to send pictures or comment on ones that he received. (Later i questioned if i was being controlling?)
I obssessed over it. Let it consume my thoughts. I checked my husbands phone a number of times (again am i controlling/in the wrong doing this even though there was a history). Each time it ended in an argument with what i seen on his phone. His argument was he couldnt control what people sent.
I was away for a weekend and on my return i checked his phone. He had sent an inappropriate picture to the friend group. I completely lost it. I couldnt accept that he broke a boundary. I said i didnt know where to go from here. After a lot of arguing/tears he said he would remove himself from this group. (He is still in 2 of the other group chats).
This was possibly 2 years ago. It still hurts when i think about it.
More recently i checked his phone and he had been mesaging a girl he had met in a running club. Yes it was innocent! Majority was about running. But there was a few chats i found uncomfortable.
1 He mentioned he was maybe taking the piss with me with the amount of time he was spending running and goin to exerecise classes. To which she responded typical wife. Only joking. He replied with a 🤣. Yes i understand this was a joke. And i am prob being highly sensitive but it hurt.
They had met at different runs/classes and in the health suite together. Yes i genuinely believe this wasnt planned. My husband is very sociable and she sounds to be to. So they would hav chatted quite a bit together face to face.
She is single 10 years younger and would have told him about her going out on dates and health problems which i thought was quite a lot of private info for someone uve only known for a few weeks. This brings me on to
2 he messaged her wishing her luck in an routine proceedure. Yes it sounds ok normal behaviour. But i believe i know my husband and he remembers nothing. I hav to remind him every week the kids schedules and they are the same times every week. Yet he could remember this girls appt and wish her luck?
3 on a trip away by himself he had msg her some everyday innocent things. Like a menu of the restaurant he was at. And he had also msg her first thing in the morn. I found this hurtful as i thought as his wife i would hav possibly been the first person he would msg. (Am i just being super sensitive here)
4 she had also sent him msg saying she was going to gym/health suite that i felt was an unnecesary invite. He felt it wasnt and it was just info on this is wat im doing exercise wise type thing?
As i read the messages i felt like i was having a panic attack. I confronted my husband who tried to shake it off saying she was just a friend that he didnt doing anything wrong. That it was all innocent. Again his response was he was goin to tell me about the messages but he knew it would upset me.
I was really angry and after a lot of arguments/talks i asked him to block her. I felt he was quite reluctant in doing this as he felt she had become a good friend. After he did. I asked him to remove her on another app that they followed eachother on for running purposes. He was even more reluctant to remove her off this as he didnt want to make a difference with her and the other runners. My argument was that he had already made a difference with her. I felt he was more concerned with her feelings when she found out he had blocked her than how i his wife was feeling over the situation.
My husband is not one for sending messages. He always says just ring them. This is why i am hurt by this messaging as its not him. And i feel the content was unnecessary to update eachother about nothing really in day to day life. I understand nothing happened but i worry where it would hav led? They had only known achother for about 3months but he called her a good friend. He said she had moved back home and didnt hav a lot of friends.
From the first incident of adult content. I feel i hav low self esteem little confidence, trust issues and i dont feel respected.
It is obviously still an issue on my side. In recent argument he has mentioned me being controlling telling him who he can and cant be friends with.
Am i in the wrong am i being controlling telling him what he can and cant do even if it hurts and upsets me. I know i am going behind his back looking at his phone. But i would never have found any of this out
Is it right for me to live in ignorance to what is going on.
Please advice needed on where to go from here.
I dont want to break up our family. I want to be happy with my husband. I want to feel respected by him and be able to trust him.
Or am i being a prude/jealous/controlling psycho? Is it down to me causing our marriage problems.