I’m in the US. I’m a parent to an almost 3 year old- husband works overnight. I work days. We are both full time. I get home to relieve him and he goes to bed from 4pm-830. Shift starts at 9p. He will then get an additional amount of sleep post shift anywhere from 1-3 hours, usually in between.
On weekends, I relieve him completely and he will get 5-7 hours of sleep for those 2 days. This has been our schedule since our child was 5 months (he had paid parental leave for 5 months).
Ive told him from the very beginning his lack of sleep isn’t healthy. I’ve said since we knew the timeframe of when he’d be going back to work that this schedule is NOT conducive to his physical health either and will impact his mental health too- I’ve gone as far as to say it’ll affect his parenting. My mom even said it to me when she was still alive. We’ve gotten into massive fights about getting help because he says no one will be capable of handling our child like he does.
He has outright refused any and all help. When my parents (who have since both passed now)- offered to help pay for a nanny for us even just a few days a week and for only a few hours a day to get some relief; he again outright refused. When inheritance money came in, I offered to use that to hire someone IN HOME again even just a few hours 1-2 days a week. He outright refuses. And, he’s refused daycare due to cost and the fear of our child become injured or killed in the hands of daycare works (which has been perpetuated by articles he’s read).
Ive asked: “is there ANYONE you’d trust to watch our child even to try one day a week; come by at noon- you get to sleep maybe at the latest 1pm all the way to 830- and I’d be able to relieve the person when I get home by 4PM.” Again, huge anger on his part for me even bringing it up.
His mom has recently moved into town and even now she’s being shut down as an option. He seems to not trust her alone with him because per his words; she’s careless and doesn’t have the proper parenting values that we do. Like giving a 3 year old soda, as an example… we don’t even give our child juice… so now he’s outright rejected even his mom coming to watch him alone because he thinks she will do stupid things.
so here is my dilemma: he complains practically every day multiple times a day about how exhausted he is, and most of the time I’m validating him, acknowledging him, letting him spew his complaints out. I’m fully aware how exhausting and tiring his schedule is. However, a good portion of his complaints are led with blame on our child for, not having slept longer in the morning or some type of our child causing X, Y, Z… which brings negativity into my mental state.
I have attempted to “shoulder or solution?” communication tool- he has said he just wants to be able to complain whenever he wants (and 99.99% of the time) it is about his lack of sleep- usually it being caused because of our child. He has said “I thought I was being funny. I complain for sport. I didn’t see it as a negative thing. I complain for fun” then has gotten pissed off at me saying “there is no solution. So stop even trying to bring that subject up” and threatens that I will make it worse by continuing to provide suggestions.
and, I told him that I would just force his hand and hire one anyway- which led into yet another big fight because he said I would make it worse for him because he’s “not going to be able to sleep any way with a stranger in the house” and that I must not “care about our child’s safety since I’m willing to put their life in the hands of complete strangers who ‘don’t care’ about our child and are just ‘there for the paycheck’”
It’s not even about the action of complaining. Example: ugh it’s so freaking hot. I hate the summer. Or, ahhh I stubbed my toes and they won’t stop throbbing, owww. Or, a bad day at work, etc. but, it’s what he’s complaining about that’s the issue because HE REFUSES HELP so he can get more sleep!
i need insight. Is this normal? Am I the abnormally minded one? Do people just let their spouses complain over and over and over… and over again about the same stuff with ‘no solution’ in sight? Am I being insensitive to his complaints?
this is also partially a factor: I was raised that if I’m complaining- do something about it. Not fully a nut up shut up deal. But, complaining in my household was a negative thing and it was a do something about it as complaining gets us nowhere. He was raised where they apparently complained all day all night to each other for fun.
i will add: he’s asked me to spend time with him at night because in the beginning- I was going to sleep around 10-11pm but he wanted me to stay up longer so we could get some time together between his meetings during his shift, so yes- I have chosen to lose out on sleep so we don’t drift apart. I am aware there’s a difference between choosing to lose sleep over his situation he doesn’t have a choice. And I never complain about my lack of sleep. I just get on about my day and hopefully feel rested each morning, which 99.99% I do.
TIA! I