What do you call someone who uses another person to fill their need?

[Whatdoyoucall]

I think I have someone in my life like this. They use people to fill a need they have (it’s definitely fear of being abandoned). They cover it up with saying it’s love but it really doesn’t feel like it. It’s suffocating.

An emotional vampire.

A succubus
A user

A user

Is this a narcissist thing or is that something different. They are very good at it. They avoid people or have no interest in those who don’t offer what they want. They don’t care about those people’s feelings. They put an awful lot of energy towards those that behave how they need.

Many reasons, it could be BPD.

Narcissists tend to view people as objects. Sociopaths and psychopaths also.

@JamSandle this person is stunting the growth of their children to make them dependent. They won’t allow them to grow up and they in their 30’s. They have an awful
lot of control but can’t see it’s causing them harm. It’s all wrapped up in this I just love them package.

Can be codependency too, if their "need" is to feel like they're helping someone else and they get their sense of worth from that.

If it's a parent it can be enmeshment

@Treesinthewind what is enmeshment?

Depends on your mood

Narcissist
Arsehole
Emotional Vampire

Take your pick

They look so bloody normal from the outside.

I know someone like this. Her dc is over 40 and has a string of failed relationships due, I suspect, to them always putting mum first.

Yeah... it's called reputation management.

It's a bit like those flat fish that bury themselves on the floor of the ocean until another fish comes along and out they come to swallow them whole.

Apparently in the natural world that is "normal". It's just not ideal for the fish being eaten, so they tend to want to avoid them.

My ex husband

@roses321 so they surround themselves with people who make them look normal?

Not necessarily, they just project. They have cognitive empathy, but no real genuine emotional empathy. Most relationships they have aren't that deep, and generally with people like this people end up gaslighting themselves if they're in a deeper relationship with folk like this.
They think "did I just see that?" Or "well maybe it's me".

Truth is they don't really care about other people to be honest.

@roses321 ah thanks for the reply. What’s the difference between cognitive empathy and genuine empathy? Why do they have these relationships if they don’t care? Do they want to look like they care or are they doing it to get something out of it? Sorry so many questions. These people just confuse me, they certainly look to me like they just don’t care.

The two types of empathy feel different as you receive them. One feels suffocating and controlling and as though a certain outcome is expected in line with the expectations of the person who is supposedly giving it. The other type is genuine empathy and sitting alongside another and allowing them to be heard and make their own choices. If I am being genuinely empathetic I don't have an agenda or needed outcome, I am just alongside the other person. I think a lot of people confuse these two types of empathy, but they feel vastly different to me. A lot of people want to fix or resolve situations for others and while they think they are being empathic they can't see how controlling they are.

@Colourbrain could this be an example, avoiding, derailing or changing the subject or offering toxic positivity in order to stop the other person requiring something you can’t offer.

The person I’m talking about can write something nice on a social media photo but in person is like a completely different person.

Cognitive empathy is knowing that a situation should evoke empathy and being able to say "sorry you feel that way". Emotional empathy is genuinely feeling sorry for that person being in whatever situation.

As for why... well they care about their needs being met. You have to take part in society in order to live in it, so that means you will by default interact with people and create friendships and other relationships. Some people do that from a place of wanting a reciprocal give/take relationship, some people do it from a place of purely wanting a take relationship... these people are the latter. They take in order to feed whatever need they have.

Generally friendships give you: Acceptance, attention, companionship, favours etc. Some people just want those things but have no interest in returning the favour thus it is a one way relationship and they will take from you and give nothing back. It's just how they are.

Co-dependent?

A selfish arsehole.

@roses321 so they a wolf in sheep’s clothing, they are pretending and using others to get their needs met. They aren’t really human.