Husband inadvertently blames me when there is no money

[Ordinaryme]

Just looking people’s views on this. I’m a full time mum to 3 kids, work part time & also receive some benefits. My job is term time so I am off over the school holidays which suits well as I therefore dont need childcare. My husband likes this set up as he likes me being there for the kids rather than sending them to childcare. My pay & benefits go into my bank account, most of the household bills come out of my account, mortgage, TV, phone, insurances etc.

He is self employed & works long hours, he is the main breadwinner. However, I do all the household chores, cooking, shopping, cleaning etc! He’s has a good relationship with the kids, is a good dad, regulary takes the kids with him which is a help to me.

Problem is, he has a business account which he has given me a card for & which I use when money runs out in my own account for food shopping, getting kids clothes etc. He doesnt t seem to mind! However when he checks his online account & balance not good he starts a whole thing, where is all this money going! This just doesn’t add up etc! Unfortunately his business has a lot of outgoings, very high overheads so this is where most of the money he earns goes but he won’t admit this & acts like the money has just disappeared & as I’m the only other person with access to the account he is obviously blaming me!

how should I deal with this?

Surely this is simple. You look at the statement, add up what you spent and show him. How is this even a question?

Hang on, I want to make something clear.

So your pay goes into your bank account and that pays for basically all your household expenses, childrens expenses etc.
And where does his pay go? Onto his professional account?
Does he not contribute monthly to the mortgage and all other expenses?

Work out how much you need to withdraw from this business account on an average month ask him to set up a direct debit for that amount to go into your personal account or set up a separate joint account. Once he has agreed the amount it’s done, then you won’t get the Spanish Inquisition every time you buy food and he’ll be able to see more clearly where the money is going from the business account.

Agree an amount of money he needs to transfer every month to cover the contribution from the business account to the account the bills are paid from. Same every month will minimise the drama and make him realise there's a cost that has to be met that isn't covered by your part time earnings.

Doesn't make sense.

He's the main breadwinner but you pay for everything? He then complains when you spend money from his account? It's very shady OP.

How much does he earn? Why don't you have a joint bank account where a proportionate amount is put in monthly for bills and expenses and a separate account for personal money?

It's looking a lot like financial abuse. Is he squirreling money away into investments, savings etc ? You need some transparency here

She didn’t say she paid for everything. She said it comes out of her account, two very different things, she clearly transfers money over.

Where does it say she transfers money over? She says

My pay & benefits go into my bank account, most of the household bills come out of my account, mortgage, TV, phone, insurances etc.

She says that when she's run out of money, she uses her husband's business card.

I'm self employed and just transfer a chunk of money over to our household joint account every month. It's actually a pita trying to do expenses and tax etc if you're seeing 'house' stuff coming out of the business as you have to then double-check each transaction.

So get him to either do a direct debit or take one chunk of money out on the card every month. To be honest, it sounds like there are a few issues with the business if cash flow is so poor and he's so stressed about a few bits for the kids...

It sounds like you need to sit down together and go through the household budget, work out your monthly costs and make sure you are both paying a proportional amount in that covers everything family related.

I could be misunderstanding here, but your post sounds as though you are paying ALL of the household expenses, and he chips in a bit here and there? If so, that needs to stop right now. Do you know how much he actually earns after tax, expenses etc? You should also both have savings, pensions etc presuming your are solvent.

For context, I am in a long term relationship and we jointly own our home. I am employed, he went self employed a couple of years ago. Expenses are paid proportionally. He is transparent with me regarding his income and shows me his business and personal accounts if needed so we understand our full household income. We tend to review our income and outgoings every few months as our income has changed since he started his business. His contribution was lower when he started the business but has risen over time. My point here is that as a household you should both know the full story regarding income and outgoings.

Edited to add as I cross posted with the above poster - my partner does the same as you- transfers an agreed amount across to our joint 'house' account each month as it makes his accounts easier to keep track of.

You can't just spend money from a Business Account like that, how can it be reconciled for VAT/CT etc?
You can only use a Business Account for legitimate Business Expenses.
Apart from anything else you could find yourself in difficulties with HMRC if they want to know why a non employee of the business is spending loads in Sainsburys each week.
Dodgy way to run a Business

If all bills etc come out of your account what is your husband contributing towards it all?

@Ordinaryme sorry but your husbands business account should not be buying food and paying any bills. how on earth does his accountant manage to do his annual accounts for hmrc tax submission if they are littered with you taking money for this that and the next thing? he should be taking drawing monthly or yearly and depositing them where they are accessible to you and him for household expenditure!

This isn’t the way to run a business, or a household. Is the business viable and profitable given the large overheads and long hours?

For a start it must be completely separated from the household so a chunk should be transferred and all household spending done from there.

Is he projecting a bit/ sticking his head in the sand a bit as to the business’ viability?

It sounds confusing and unmanageable. As others have said, you can’t use a business account for personal spending like groceries. Is he paying tax?

You need to organise your finances better.

Is your husband putting his earnings into the bills account?

You cannot use a card linked to a business account for regular personal expenses.
Unless it was a payment made in error, in which case you pay the money back to the business account.

Is your DH using his personal bank account to run his business maybe? Then he needs to open a separate bank account for business transactions only.
It must be a nightmare to separate what is personal and when is business.
This current setup is terrible for working out the business profitability, cash flow, available funds etc.

Also, I hope the card you are using is in your name (not his!).

Alternatively, use a credit card and make sure this is paid in full every month from his actual personal earnings. Unless he has no idea what he can pay himself every month? In which case, he really really needs to clarify everything with his accountant.

How is he th ebreadwinner when you pay the mortgage, the bills and for the kids?

And how are you spending on a work card? That's dodgy as fuck.

If you are paying most household bills then you are the breadwinner.

You and him should sit down and work out how much you need from his account every month and have him transfer a lump sum instead of doing the current method which must make his business accounting much harder. Don’t you have savings accounts ? His lump sum could include an amount for savings

How is he the main breadwinner if you are working part time but managing to pay the mortgage and most of the bills from your account?

Also this bit doesn't make sense "Unfortunately his business has a lot of outgoings, very high overheads so this is where most of the money he earns goes". Is he actually making any money out of working long hours?

Hmmm sounds bizarre that you use the business account! That account is surely for specific things?

You need to show him your outgoings

That's not how a business account works. What does the accountant say to supermarket shopping going through the business?

How is he the breadwinner yet you pay for the mortgage and all the bills?

Why are you both working full time yet you are doing all the childcare and housework?

It's really bad business practice for you to have a card on his business account. He needs to have that account himself and transfer money to you if necessary.

My pay & benefits go into my bank account, most of the household bills come out of my account, mortgage, TV, phone, insurances etc.

What does he pay for?

This.

How is he the main breadwinner when you pay for most things from your account? Does he put more in your account than you do each month?