He still sees his ex - what would you do

[Justsurfing]

Good morning ladies, I'm after your valuable advice on a situation i find myself in.

My boyfriend works with and is friends with his ex
I have no problem with them remaining friends, I'm not jealous and know if he wants to be with her he would but I feel a little disrespected if I'm honest

He mentioned in passing the other night she had asked him to take her to a specific restaurant for dinner that she had been wanting to try (I don't think she has anyone to go with)
I didn't react but this has been playing on my mind

I plan to bring it up and say why don't I come along I'd like to get to know your friends. What do I do if he says no, I don't think this behaviour in a relationship is acceptable so I can feel myself seriously backing off and questioning if this is right for me. I am still friends with my ex but we have a child together (they don't) however I would never dream of going for a meal with him on an evening just the two of us

Am I being unreasonable?

Some people would be fine with that, I wouldn't. It's up to you to set your own boundaries so I'd decide where they are and act accordingly 🤷🏼‍♀️

I wouldn't be happy with that at all. I'd let him know how I feel and his reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

You either trust him or you don’t. Banning him from doing certain things won’t keep him faithful .

It won’t. But equally relationships thrive on contact and experiences, and I think a table for two at a restaurant of choice is precisely the sort of food for developing the relationship that isn’t appropriate.

Its one thing for them to go op; it’s quite another for them to refuse to include you if you ask. I’d ask - which ought to be harmless- and take it from there.

i do trust him, i honestly dont think theres anything going on and would never tell him 'not' to do something. I dont know i just feel uneasy about it

It’s her I wouldn’t trust. Fine to go for coffee but she’s setting this up as a date.

exactly this! she knows about me although we've never met but she doesnt want to know the details...... why! I thik its strange she is asking him to do this like this when shes knows hes with someone

Who cares if she’s trust worthy. He still has agency over his own actions, his pants won’t fall off if she comes onto him and him fall dick first into her. That’s not a thing.

Did he end the relationship with her and she’s still holding a torch for him?

Them being friends wouldn’t be an issue but she’s basically asking him on a date and no that’s crossing a boundary imo.

She's probably used to having him on the back burner and now doesn't like he's not as available to her. Or maybe not but unless this was a forever ago relationship and they are honestly just friends then they shouldn't mind you tagging along. But if she is a friend who wants to hear no details about hud new relationship then it's not innocent on her part any more

@Janieforever No but food and wine, mood lighting all are conducive to rekindling attraction. Why play kamikaze with a relationship? It’s about drawing the lines of how much pressure to put a relationship under. To spend time together, grab a coffee etc is one thing; a tete a tete at a restaurant she has especially chosen is moving things beyond respectful to his relationship with op. What would you say had she suggested he come over alone and she plies him with alcohol and lap dances on him naked? Still “not a thing” to fall dick into her? (Or her onto it?) It’s about line-drawing.

People are vulnerable to seduction. Why would op want to bother with the relationship at all if she is genuinely neutral. It’s true that relationships have to be somewhat proof against normal interactions but humans are human. It’s why monks and nuns remove themselves to a distance to honour their vows of chastity.

What does 'she doesn't want to know the details' mean? That isn't being friends in a normal way. I don't mean sexual or very personal details or anything like that but if they're close enough to go for dinner together after work, I'd expect them to be able to introduce new partners or at least discuss them if it gets serious. Otherwise what's the future of the friendship?

It's a date.
Unless otherwise agreed upon in the relationship, your boyfriend shouldn't be going on a date with another woman.
It's very much okay for you to set this as a boundary.
Maybe you should also see the difference in being 'friendly' with someone, or being their friend.
Being friendly with an ex who you still work with or have to co-parent a child with, is a good thing. Being their friend is probably a bit too much.

he finished it

apparently it upsets her!
Now do you see why i feel uneasy :-(

Yup. It’s totally off - and he shouldn’t t be stroking his ego by indulging her ongoing thing for him.

Mixed on this. I could go for meal with ex wife but that would be to talk kids stuff. I am friends with someone I had a few kisses etc with but that was 25 years ago.

it could put temptation in his way. Not to cheat but to maybe think hmm she is quite nice, why did I split and who do I prefer.

I would share concerns with him and see how he is. If that was me and you really were not happy I would change to a coffee meet or invite you.

I agree - especially with the middle paragraph . That’s exactly what the ex is aiming for.

It’s not about trust. It’s about respect.

This isn’t respectful to you or your relationship. She knows it, it’s why she’s at it. Pushing boundaries.

Tell your partner gently that it’s disrespectful but you trust him. It’s his choice what he does next

It is YANBU for me.
I do not want to be taken to dinner to a restaurant by an ex. In the same way I will find very intrusive if an ex of my partner ask him to take her for dinner to a fancy restaurant.
All the planning etc, that is far form a casual bite for me.

Id say oh wow I've wanted to go to that one too, let's all go! Be nice to get to know her.

My DP has an ex wife, the only time he is in her presence is with the kids. If she suggested a dinner date Id not stop him going but I wouldn't be taking his calls if he did.

Yes I get it. How long you been together and would you be happy to request a boundary here?

I am more than happy for partners and exes to remain friends (within reason) but it has to be completely over and neutral before dinners a Deux can be happening. Of course there needs to be some delicacy compared to other friendships, very few people would want to hear about the intimate details about the relationship or anything that could infer comparison. But if she is still getting upset about him having a partner that isn't an appropriate setting for having dinner together. I would be pointing out this discomfort and I would expect the friendship to happen in less charged settings until the ex was properly over my partner. It's about respect and boundaries.

8 months, and i think im going to have to request the boundary, it just doesnt work for me

… and your choice what you do once he’s chosen his response.

Frankly op, it is about respect, and keeping his previous relationship on life support while he dabbles with you is disrespectful.

Don’t be shamed into accepting that by people inferring you have a trust issue. You don’t: you have a respect standard.

Absolutely ridiculous- it’s a NO from me!

Insist you are invited or cut this one loose

The woman clearly still has feelings! How messy.

Your gut is there for a reason and it’s alerting you to potential strife!