He still sees his ex - what would you do

[Justsurfing]

Good morning ladies, I'm after your valuable advice on a situation i find myself in.

My boyfriend works with and is friends with his ex
I have no problem with them remaining friends, I'm not jealous and know if he wants to be with her he would but I feel a little disrespected if I'm honest

He mentioned in passing the other night she had asked him to take her to a specific restaurant for dinner that she had been wanting to try (I don't think she has anyone to go with)
I didn't react but this has been playing on my mind

I plan to bring it up and say why don't I come along I'd like to get to know your friends. What do I do if he says no, I don't think this behaviour in a relationship is acceptable so I can feel myself seriously backing off and questioning if this is right for me. I am still friends with my ex but we have a child together (they don't) however I would never dream of going for a meal with him on an evening just the two of us

Am I being unreasonable?

My DP and his ex were messaging with kisses at the end. I stated my boundaries around this, and he put a stop to it immediately, although she was unhappy.

Express what you need, see how he responds

Each to their own. Some people say they would be fine with that. I'm not.

I had this experience years ago, I went along with it for a while however both my partner and the ex didn't respect my boundaries. Constantly little annoying things. Several issues and in hindsight, they didn't put in appropriate boundaries themselves. Going from being in a relationship to "friends " needs consideration.
I wouldn't support a close personal friendship with an ex again. My boundary, take it or leave it.

Do i send a random text broaching it or bring it up face to face
I know im going to be branded jealous

Definitely face to face and be honest, it's not about jealousy, it about what you are comfortable with in a relationship. I also wouldn't go along, that would play into the narrative of this being your problem to solve.
If he feels it's fine and appropriate, and you don't, I'd step away.

Why do you know you’re going to be branded jealous? It’s inappropriate for your BF to do a date-like thing (eg dinner) with an ex who still has feelings for him. My DH sometimes goes for dinner with an ex-GF but I’ve also socialised with her and their relationship is ancient history. This situation is completely different.

This girl doesn’t want to know about you because she wants to pretend you’re not on the scene. It’s cruel to both you and her for him to go on a ‘date’ with her. If he’s going g to give you a hard time over you objecting, then perhaps he’s the wrong guy for you.

She needs to make other friends.

I would tell him that you feel uncomfortable with them going out to a restaurant alone together.

Like you said, suggest you all go together as an alternative. If he rejects the idea, I would tell him that their friendship is making you uneasy. That, if he wants to remain friends with his ex and continue your relationship then she will need to become a mutual friend (i.e. you get to meet her and spend some time with her too).

“she knows about me although we've never met but she doesn't want to know the details”

It really seems like she is not over him. If all she wanted was friendship she would happy to know all about you. It’s not much of a friendship if she doesn’t know about a huge part of his life and he can’t talk about you to her. If it is too painful for her to hear about, she is not over him and should be giving you both space. I reckon she’s either waiting around so she will be there if you guys breakup or worse, she’s trying to drive you apart. I cannot see how she wouldn’t know this is inappropriate.

I would say a face to face conversation and counter any comments about jealousy saying it’s about respecting boundaries and you feel that she’s blurring the lines

Its not jealousy to expect respect

It’s always better face to face. There is less chance for things being misconstrued and you can gauge his response clearly.

If he says that you are acting jealously. Ask him ‘Jealous of what?’ Get him to explicitly state what it is he is doing that he thinks would make you jealous. And then ask him how he would feel if you did the same thing with your ex. Then tell him you would not behave that way because you have too much respect for him and your relationship.

I’m actually going to break with the flow op and say I would text.

The problem with face to face is his initial response will be, as you say, to push back with it being your problem - especially if he is caught off guard. It isn’t helpful for you to get in a heated argument when it is a decision you have made in a cool-headed way. There is nothing worse than not getting a chance to set out how you feel before it is de- railed by defending yourself against accusations of jealousy etc . I’d send a calm but firm text with your reasoning in it and give him time to absorb before he responds. Arguing is often like the old quote about first impressions counting. I find generally speaking, people are wedded to entrenching on their first response so upping the chances of his first response being one he makes after time for reflection is helpful I think.

If they brand you as jealous they are setting up a scenario where by they get to do whatever they like and you are just supposed to let them get on with it without expressing your reasonable concerns.

He is going on a date with his ex. Of course you have the right to say this is not acceptable in your relationship.

If it was not a date they should be happy for you to go along and get to know the ex. He should be happy to set your mind at rest.

I think you need to have a serious conversation about boundaries in your relationship. You should be his priority, not her.

Have an adult conversation with him. Tell him that you don't feel comfortable with the relationship he has with his ex. He either respects your feelings or he doesn't.

This would be a deal breaker for me! You need to nip this in the bud quickly. He is playing with fire! His ex is pretending they are still in a relationship, ans he's going along with it! I would tell him face to face, but text him if you feel that would help you get your point across. If he then decides to go on this date (it's definitely a date) then he's putting his ex's feelings before yours. If that's the case, throw him back in the sea and hold your head high. Good luck

I’d say she doesn’t want him to move on, and is pushing boundaries, and he, if he accepts her offer, wants to boost his ego by having two women wanting him. Whether anything happens between them or not, dinner out between them just isn’t appropriate given he’s seeing someone else now. Don’t worry about being branded the jealous gf - you’re not. You’re not comfortable with it (as the majority of people wouldn’t be) and how he reacts to this will tell you what you need to know about him and your relationship.

i held my breath and text!
he said there is absolutely nothing between them like that and if it makes me uncomfortable he wont go. I said yes it does, very much
phew! least he now knows my feelings

Well done OP! 👏 It isn’t an easy thing to do, asserting a boundary and being honest about an insecurity.

Sounds like his response was great too! He clearly is more interested in your feelings than their friendship which is the way it should be!

Really good stuff!

thank you everyone x

WHAT!?

NO! you don't take your ex for dinner. I'm sure they are friends but no, it's not appropriate, i wouldn't want to be involved in such a situation. There's approriate and there's inappropriate and no it is not appropriate for your boyfriend to take his ex out to dinner in any way shape or form.

Anyone who tells you otherwise has some concerning standards!

It sounds like a whole lot of drama that I wouldn’t want to start getting involved in.

given the circumstances you’ve described, it seems entirely inappropriate for them to go on what is basically, a date. If it were a quick lunch break from work, to get a sandwich…ok, but a dinner date, no.

i would be interested not just on her motives, that’s pretty clear, but why your partner doesn’t see this as inappropriate, unless he reciprocates her feelings for him. If he goes, then I would very quickly become his ex, if I were you.

Well this might not be helpful but my ex was “good friends” with his ex, took her out for her birthday, spent Boxing Day with her etc as “she had no one else.”

Turns out he was in a relationship with her all along- 5 years- and was with me for 2.5 years at the same time.

Because of that, and after many years of counselling, I know I couldn’t tolerate that from my current partner. He introduced me to his ex wife, whom he shares children with, so I’d ask if you can go along.