I think my partner is homosexual

[Yorkshiremummy2023]

Hi my partner and I have been together for 12 years. I have always had this passing feeling that he maybe homosexual but I have tried to ignore it. About 6 months ago he used my laptop and left himself logged into reddit and its left me with so many questions. He is a member of 'gaybros' group, talked about encounters he's had with other men and I really think he is gay. But I feel sad for him that he hasn't been able to express himself but also sad for me that were here. I don't know what to do whether to confront him or not. It doesn't feel right to keep pretending I don't know but also doesn't feel right to ask him about it because I don't know how he will handle it. He has no idea I know. We have a young son who is 4 years old and I don't want him to grow up and his dad is living a lie qnd he can't be fully himself with him over something so important. Any advice would be appreciated.

Holy shit OP, that is big! Wow! You have a child, so obviously you've shagged occasionally..... you both need to live authentic lives, however that looks. I think you both need counselling to work this out. You can still be co-parents but it won't be easy

Thanks @savethatkitty, yes we have. But it's hard to explain I guess when I've always wanted him to be more affectionate, not just sexual with me. Touch me or want to be close to me outside of sexual on an emotional and physical level. But he's always struggled with it. He's always brushed it off as him being ' man' and not romantic, we have always been friends in that we have travelled all over the world together and I have perceived other actions he's shown me as his own way of being romantic. But I realise since this happened it is all to do with that. Finding this I was I guess a bit shocked at the extent of his feelings like it was more then just fantasy which I had tried to tell myself in the past. But I wasn't shocked in horror r anger I think I've had to take time to process it and realise if I want to say something to him or not. It was also a bad time for other reasons why I found this, I was at the end of my degree and I couldn't deal with a big break down of our relationship at that point. I know asking him about this that he's been hiding from me risks that.

I’m sorry OP.

I don’t have much in the way of advice but just to say you’re not alone. I guess it’s hard to know if the encounters he’s talking about fantasy. I think to be on the safe side get yourself tested for any potential STI’s. I think you needs sit down and confront him and ask whether he is gay/bi because of what you’ve seen and how he behaves towards you. I’d ask yourself a few questions; does he initiate sex, how often do you have sex, if he watches what porn is he consuming etc?

Do you want to stay together after what you’ve found ?

Op, are you sure he didn't leave your laptop with such obvious clues, on purpose so you found it?

Maybe he is hoping you will start the conversation.

Thanks @Priekebejen I do need to confront him your right. I just don't know what to say to him about this. It's hard to find the words, it's like all our life is just pretend really and our world collapses as soon as I say it

No @Meadowfinch he was really rattled when he realised what he had done. I could see he was I started off trying to ask him about that in a round about way but realised it would be too big and I didn't had just seen a couple of posts he had written when we had a row one time and which we're there too and hadn't read any more. I didn't have my own head round it at the time in terms of how I was feeling to confront him. I don't know if he knows I know or whether he's accepted that's all I've seen. It's a difficult one. Thank you

Why are you assuming that he's gay and not bisexual? It's possible that he's had past encounters with men and has no place that feels safe to discuss them.

But he's still been married to you for a long time, so I assume he's attracted to you.

Yes he could be @UnhappyAndYouKnowIt but he hasn't ever discussed that with me on any level. I have had suspicions in the past and I think in my own clumsy way of trying to broach it with him I've asked him if he's ever had feelings towards other men. He's made it quite clear he hasn't but I don't see how that can be true.

As I said @UnhappyAndYouKnowIt I feel for him in this situation very much it must be so difficult. I've tried to take some time to think through what I read and get some perspective before rushing in on him over it. Also to give him time to choose to talk to me about it but he hasn't he's literally stayed off the subject altogether. There was enough there for me to not be able to just leave it at that. I have to think for myself this should be addressed.

Only you know your husband OP.

i imagine just asking him, without any context, whether he is gay or bi will get a defensive reaction. If he says he is then are you going to leave ? Is there any other evidence that makes you think he’s gay/bi? If you think your marriage is over, before you ask I’d make sure all your duck are in a rows in terms of finances/assets by starting to separate finances, as it could get messy. He might see you leaving him as publicly outing him.

Hi OP, you might want to Google "Straight Partners Anonymous".
They were a great help to me when I was in a similar situation to you.
Wishing you all the best 🌹

Would a letter give you the chance to express how you feel? You sound really understanding and lovely and if you can put across how you’re his best friend and coming out to you doesn’t necessarily mean coming out to everyone maybe he will be less defensive?
I guess you and he need to decide what you want for the future, can you still work as a family unit? Eg if he is bisexual or you still want to live together. It might be a slow road if he doesn’t want to come out yet, but it sounds like he’s safe in your hands and needs to realise you’re not angry and won’t do anything drastic. He’s lucky to have you.
I would stress to him (if you feel this way) that you will always be his best friend and coparent, and you don’t want him to have to live a lie.
I would also definitely want to know if the experience with men is real or not, and if you’re safe STD wise, or if that is fantasy and he’s happy having that side to him. I guess you could phrase that as do you always practise safe sex because I need to know I’m ok too. Hopefully he should care deeply about you in the same way and want to protect you. This might not have to be the huge explosion that you both think it might be, if you are good friends and can openly communicate with each other. Good luck op, I really hope it works out.

Thank you so much @PennyNotWise that's really so helpful and exactly where iam at. I think the world of him, but just don't want to think of him being sad in this way or hiding who he is. Yes how you have positioned it gives me confidence I can handle the conversation I guess I didn't know where to start without him being defensive. There is nothing to be shameful about in my eyes and we can work through it whatever the answer is Thank you for the help with this

OP I think you need to stop worrying about how he will handle it...and put yourself first.

This man has been deceiving you for 12 years and you should not concern yourself as to whether he gets 'defensive'.

I would simply tell him that you have seen his online messages so he can't deny that there is something going on. It is not even a question of asking whether he is bi or gay at this stage, you have the evidence that he is...

I would instead focus on asking why he has never disclose this to you and whether he has been cheating on you with men since you got together. You should also decide whether there is any chance that this marriage can carry on or not.

You sound like a nice person but you really need to look at this from you being the one that has been seriously lied to and stop worrying about his feelings.

I've tried to talk to him today. I'm glad I did. He's just saying he isn't. He actually seemed like the idea was disgusting. I reassured him it wasn't for anyone. But he didn't want me to repeat what he had written that I had read. He just kept saying he just wants to be with me. I tried to explai that someone can be sexual with another person but it doesn't necessarily reflect who they want to be with in their soul. I noticed he avoided till the very end saying he wasn't gay. Like saying the words.He did sort of say it at the end of us speaking about it. It wasn't a long convo because he cut it short but I think I've done the right thing for me asking but it has left a few questions still.

I think as previously said that really you need to stop looking at this as 'how can I support my husband through something that he is really struggling with' to 'I have seen evidence that corroborates my long held feeling my husband is gay so what do I want and need for my own well being and happiness here'.
Sounds like the support group an also mentioned will be a good resource.

Your bit about it being disgusting stood out to me. It’s common for gay men who are trying to conceal their sexuality to be homophobic and make out that being gay is disgusting.

THIS! Stop worrying about someone who has lied to you, and deceived you for 12 years. Women are always told "be kind", bla bla bla. No!

He is doing stuff behind your back, and lying to your face. You say :

"He is a member of 'gaybros' group, talked about encounters he's had with other men and I really think he is gay

Straight men DO NOT join groups called "gaybros".

Straight men DO NOT have encounters with other men.

I'm sorry, but he is lying to your face, whilst creeping about on the internet in gay chat rooms. You've seen this. Why don't you believe your own eyes? I wonder what you haven't seen? This will be the tip of the iceberg.

You've already invested 12 years. Don't waste any more time here. And stop feeling sorry for someone who has been lying to you for over a decade. Get angry. Get your ducks in a row.

You don't say how old you are, but with a son of 4 years, I'm guessing early 30's. Plenty of time to start over. Do not wait until your son goes to Uni, and then your partner suddenly feels free to discover himself, before skipping off into the sunset with Dave.

Yes op I’m sorry. Much as we can all understand it must be difficult for him, it is his issue to deal with and not yours. It’s not your responsibility to make him ok with his sexuality.

At present you have reason to feel he has used you as his “ cover” and it’s his responsibility to reassure you properly ( not by a cross exchange where he is trying to close it down and get you to continue ignoring it.) You have every right to know exactly what life you are living and not be silenced into accepting the cardboard reality. And perhaps it isn’t wholly fictitious; but you need answers to a lot of questions.

An authentic life is a right for all. He may choose not to live his that way, but he ought not to deny you that right because he prefers not to openly confront his own issues.

I was going to say that maybe he's bisexual but his lack of physical affection means that's not a goer. Someone who can manage to have intercourse with a woman but no physical affection and only has physical fun with men... even if that technically counts as bisexual he can't be any good as your husband. He might like you, he not want to be gay, but for all practical purposes he's gay and he's not being honest with himself or with you.

Agree with pp, it's time to look after yourself first. No amount of support from you will turn him into a loving, physically affectionate and trustworthy husband. You might get one, maybe two of those. You certainly wont get all three.

My first concern would be sexual health and I would get an sti check.

These sexual encounters he talked about - was there any indication of when they were? How do you know he's not on Grinder or another app and cheating on you?

He's obviously going to deny being gay and cheating as it means the end of his family life and his relationship with you, unless of course you want an open relationship.

Do you think his cultural background could be affecting what he’s saying to you? For example, was he raised in a strict Muslim family?

You may all be surprised at how many ‘straight’ men there are, who are also married to women, who have profiles on gay sites and apps looking for sex with men to varying degrees, there are those of an older generation who were never able to come out, so are married with families and have for decades sought out other men, there are some younger men who are also married who come from backgrounds where religion does not allow homosexuality to flourish and there are those who were raised in hostile environments, who also pursued relationships with women.

The world is a harsh place at times, however there is now, at least in the western world, NO excuse for ruining a woman’s life to cover for being gay. It’s sweet of you OP to be worried for him, and of course be his friend throughout whatever happens next if you want that, it’s your life, but please also remember, he is using you and wasting both your lives, you could both have partners who love every bit of you.

It’s already been said, but NO straight man would join any gay dating space or gay website for chat. All the straight men I know who are comfortable with their own sexuality will openly love and hug their gay mates, be there through everything together, but their focus for relationships of a romantic nature are always women. Gay people can live freely now and can escape homophobia from families and communities, find their people and live a ‘normal’ life together, all the boring stuff, keeping house, shopping, just living. There is no reason to lie and also drag someone else along for the ride. By all means do it amicably, but please do start looking out for yourself and leave, I’m sure you would if it was women he was seeking out. He’s gay and knows it, is getting defensive when you question him about it, which is a clear sign of covering up a lie, don’t live the rest of your life with someone who’s not in awe of everything about you.

I'm sorry that you are going through this but actually you've given yourself a lucky break in bringing your life closer to reality. I have lived that life for 25 years and only now are we separating. The reasons it's taken this long are complex, but on my side I'd say low self-esteem played a huge part - and also now he's ready to face it too. Over the years we had a phase when we broke up and he said he was gay, then he came out of that and still loved me and had realised he was bi, then things would settle down again, then he'd be bi again and need to explore that side of things. More recently this came up again and I finally said enough... I want more. It took me a long time to get to that point. Too long.

I don't think he was ever confused about his feelings - he was always fairly open about them tbh! - but for all kinds of reasons he was afraid to properly "come out".

The separation has come about because his bisexual feelings came up again. First he wanted to go on Grindr to find bisexual friends. Hard to argue with. Then he stayed out late a few times, started spending more time on Grindr, started preening himself again. There's more - but at some point I said stop kidding yourself, you're gay and I don't want this life any more.

In your position now you see him you can't unsee him. Given you said you've always had your suspicions now that will be multiplied 10 fold. Deep down you've always known. You could challenge him about it but what will he say? He's in denial with himself so he will lie to your face thinking he is telling you the truth. His challenge is to see and accept himself. Your challenge is to find the courage to accept that this man is not capable of loving you the way you deserve to be loved and to allow yourself to move on. Sorry to be harsh but that's my experience.

You mention you don't want your husband to be living a lie but what about you? My big bang moment came at my friend's funeral when I heard her husband said she was the love of his life and he had the best 10 years of his life when he was with her and that she brought him so much joy he wouldn't change a thing. In that moment I realised I couldn't say that about my XP. We have both been living a lie.

Sorry for the rambling reply to your thread!

He is a member of 'gaybros' group, talked about encounters he's had with other men

Are you saying he's been cheating on you?

He's lying about being gay.