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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I think my partner is homosexual

29 replies

Yorkshiremummy2023 · 19/07/2024 02:42

Hi my partner and I have been together for 12 years. I have always had this passing feeling that he maybe homosexual but I have tried to ignore it. About 6 months ago he used my laptop and left himself logged into reddit and its left me with so many questions. He is a member of 'gaybros' group, talked about encounters he's had with other men and I really think he is gay. But I feel sad for him that he hasn't been able to express himself but also sad for me that were here. I don't know what to do whether to confront him or not. It doesn't feel right to keep pretending I don't know but also doesn't feel right to ask him about it because I don't know how he will handle it. He has no idea I know. We have a young son who is 4 years old and I don't want him to grow up and his dad is living a lie qnd he can't be fully himself with him over something so important. Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Priekebejen · 19/07/2024 16:10

Put yourself first OP.

Get yourself tested if the ‘encounters’ are recent. Agree with a PP that gay men who are deceiving do react in a homophobic manner.

What did he say when you saw he was a member of ‘gaybros’ on Reddit ?

scoobysnaxx · 19/07/2024 22:34

There is A LOT of internalised homophobia around OP. A LOT.

Just saying, his reaction could be giving you a clue.

How has he talked about gay people in the past? In a derogatory way? Cringing? Making out it's disgusting? Has he been very vocal about it or weirdly silent? Do you know his family well?

Any homophobia there?

cheshirebloke · 19/07/2024 23:00

Yorkshiremummy2023 · 19/07/2024 10:15

I've tried to talk to him today. I'm glad I did. He's just saying he isn't. He actually seemed like the idea was disgusting. I reassured him it wasn't for anyone. But he didn't want me to repeat what he had written that I had read. He just kept saying he just wants to be with me. I tried to explai that someone can be sexual with another person but it doesn't necessarily reflect who they want to be with in their soul. I noticed he avoided till the very end saying he wasn't gay. Like saying the words.He did sort of say it at the end of us speaking about it. It wasn't a long convo because he cut it short but I think I've done the right thing for me asking but it has left a few questions still.

Sorry, but I don't think his response is confidence inspiring for you at all. His complete refusal to discuss what he'd posted. Him feigning 'disgust' at the idea of him being gay is a massive giveaway.

Straight or gay, he's supposed to be your partner, and the two of you should be able to discuss what he's posted online. If he can't give you a rational explanation (and I'm struggling to think of one, other than a gay bashing wind up, which is rather vile), then homosexuality is the only possible conclusion. Just refusing to discuss it isn't dealing with the matter at all.

yestoanother50 · 19/07/2024 23:24

cheshirebloke · 19/07/2024 23:00

Sorry, but I don't think his response is confidence inspiring for you at all. His complete refusal to discuss what he'd posted. Him feigning 'disgust' at the idea of him being gay is a massive giveaway.

Straight or gay, he's supposed to be your partner, and the two of you should be able to discuss what he's posted online. If he can't give you a rational explanation (and I'm struggling to think of one, other than a gay bashing wind up, which is rather vile), then homosexuality is the only possible conclusion. Just refusing to discuss it isn't dealing with the matter at all.

This. He needs to own what he wrote. You've given him the opportunity to confess and free you both but he's closed the door on it so surely that's all trust broken between you anyway? Being disgusted with himself is a copout. He's trying to make you feel sorry for him but he knew what he was doing at the time.

Could he also be using sites like Grindr? I'm not totally clear on the timeline from your post because you seem quite okay about him describing these encounters, so were they before you were married? That's all I'd want to know. Whether he's gay or straight, has been cheating?

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