DH gaslighting

[Nools24]

My Dh bought shoes for his mother. He bought size 6 but she’s a 7. He’s accused me of telling him she’s a 6. Yesterday he opened a letter he got and left the room and then accused me of opening his letter. He will not listen or believe me. He shouted at me that I getting worse (he means memory). There’s really no talking to him. I’m upset.

How old is he? Is he on medication?

How is his memory?

OK so you think it's gaslighting so...why would it have anything to do with believing you or not?

Gaslighters WANT you to feel like they don't believe you. It's the literally point of gaslighting. To trap you in a cycle of explaining yourself thinking 'if only I could find the right words to make them understand'. Until you start to think 'I must be the problem' and ultimately lose your sanity.

But you know he's gaslighting you so... step off the merry go round.

We leave people who are abusive.
Don't hang about trying to change them. Or worse, trying to change you to fix them.

He’s 68. The shoes are for his sister who is mentally seriously ill. He’s on medication but nothing new.

He forgot he opened his letter 15 minutes later. He is a very aggressive person who seems to be always ready for a fight. He seems to think he asked me her show size but he didn’t. He bought her shoes last year and she said she’s a 6 but she’s 7. She’s completely mad and can’t tell the truth at all

It’s most likely he is suffering from memory loss, which is a serious symptom. He needs to go
to a GP.

you have two separate issues here. The first he seems to be getting confused about basic things and could maybe do with a trip to the gp for initial tests.

the second is he sounds a bit of an arse who isn’t very pleasant to be around.

if it is something serious and he denies it and refuses to address it there isn’t much you can do to help him which means you have some difficult decisions to make.

Has he always been so aggressive or is it a new thing?

Agree with PP. If he's 68 and you've been together a long time and this is new behaviour, it's probably the beginning of something like dementia. The shoes thing could well be him blaming you because he doesn't want to admit he's made a mistake, but the letter thing is just weird.

Are these new symptoms OP? Can you organise a GP appointment? Perhaps contact Age UK, they have a great helpline.

The shoes were for his sister, not his mother? And his sister forgot/lied about her own shoe size? Might this be something that runs in the family?

Dementia also causes people to become aggressive/more aggressive.

He is not pleasant to be around at all

Always simmering anger just beneath the surface

He always blames me. I’ve survived up to now with him telling myself anything to make it not so bad. I have a severely autistic mentally handicapped son and that why I stayed. I could never have trusted him around our son on his own. We were splitting up a few years ago but then he got cancer at the time when both my parents were dying and we just drifted on from that.

She wouldn’t know the truth if it hit her in the face. She also comes to stay with us for two nights. Three days every month and I can hardly stand her. She’s mentally schizophrenic and very bad damage to her mentally

Is this gaslighting

Always simmering anger just beneath the surface

So it's not a new thing, he's always been aggressive and you've split up before.

Understandably you may choose to stay for the sake of your son. However you've a very hard road before you if you stay as your husband will get worse I should think. You don't want to end up old miserable and regretful, crying 'if only I"d left'. We only get 1 life: is he worth letting him blight your life? Putting up with years of anger and aggression? What's the benefit to you?

You have a sink or swim decision to make at this point

Gaslighting is a deliberate act meant to cause distress and doubt. Confabulation is a coping mechanism in reaction to memory loss or other cognitive issues. If he's always been like this then it's likely gaslighting. If it's a relatively recent change in him, it smells more like confabulation.

Mental illness can run in families... Sorry you have got a nasty dh. Ime it is draining.. Never too old to start over..

Do you want to go through your options with us, OP? If you are in your sixties you're aware your time here is limited. Do you really want to spend the rest of it with him?

There is no chance of him going to the doctor. As far as he’s concerned he’s always right.

You're not going to change him, he's always been irritable and it's possibly a sign of illness. He won't go to the Dr so you're stuck with the behaviour.

Perhaps carve out a separate life for yourself, avoid as much as possible, ignore his accusations - leave the room. Grey rock as much as possible.

I am terrified of change but please I want to go through my options with you

I'd be more terrified of things staying the same.

Does your son still live at home?

No, he’s in a care home.