DH gaslighting

[Nools24]

My Dh bought shoes for his mother. He bought size 6 but she’s a 7. He’s accused me of telling him she’s a 6. Yesterday he opened a letter he got and left the room and then accused me of opening his letter. He will not listen or believe me. He shouted at me that I getting worse (he means memory). There’s really no talking to him. I’m upset.

So Dh hasn’t spoken to me all day over the shoes for his sister. I’m sick of him. I feel very trapped.

Who owns the house? Whose name is it in?
Do you want to leave? Do want to get him to leave?

Arguably no, if he has mental decline.

But you describe him as aggressive. Do not stay with aggressive men. Irregardless of the intent behind the aggression, it is never OK.

He could have mental decline but he has always been difficult, like his whole family. He has 4 angry brothers and an angry father. The 2 women in the family, his mother and sister cracked up seriously. The sister is completely out of touch with reality. He didn’t speak to me all day. Tomorrow he’ll collect his sister from the hostel she lives in where she is supervised and cared for. He will bring her to our house for the weekend. I hate er coming here. She’s like a very old old old woman No conversation. Can’t even make herself a cup of tea and has to be asked to take her used tissues and put them in the bin.

It’s easy to say don’t stay with aggressive men but in my day you got married for better or worse. He never hit me but can be very unpleasant to be around. I’m fed up excusing it all. I feel too old now to go through a separation but am starting to carve out my own life to get confident again

What's the financial situation. Who pays for the residential care for your child. How much is the house worth. How much do you have access to yourself. you don't have to tell us all but you need to find out what you would have access to if you left bearing in mind a split of marital assets.

One option me timed here was to carve out my own life. That sounds like something I can do. And it’s a first step away from him. The other option is too huge right now.

I do totally get that but if he’s always been aggressive cognitive decline tends to exacerbate that. I know it sound really horrid but is that how you want to spend the next 20/30 years. 💐

Can you take yourself out for large parts of the weekend so you minimise your contact with his sister? Find a hobby or some sort of activity that will keep you out of the house. Or do you have any relatives you can go to overnight on a Friday or Saturday?

But you're in this day now, like the rest of the world. Just because one thing was a certain way in the past, doesn't mean it should remain so. There are times where all sort of awful things were the norm.

As pp said, aggression will get worse with age too. Do you want to be 80 and still intimidated and afraid in your own home?

Religiously, if that's a factor, I know that in Christianity a man is expected to care for his wife and her wellbeing. Aggression and cruelty are not ok. And not something we are expected to tolerate. It does not fall under things that are to be worked through in a marriage.

I don’t know how to end it. I know from past experiences that he won’t leave the house.

Call Women's Aid for help and leave him. File for divorce, sit back and watch while he makes a fool of himself in court by claiming you're mad and shouting at the judge, take half the house, buy a little place and enjoy your life.

Figure things out. Do your homework. Talk to a solicitor. Speak to womens aid. Start taking steps.

I don't know much about algebra. But I'm sure there are books on it.

Not knowing isn't a reason not to do something you need to do. It's a reason to learn how to do it.

Will it be fun? No. Will it be easy? No.
But its outcome will preferable to spending the rest of your life pandering to a monster.

One the divorce is through the house will be sold or one party bought out anyway, he doesn't get to not leave after that. Just because he doesn't want something, doesn't mean it can't happen.

Do you own or rent?

how are you financially would you need him to leave the home or do you think you can go and set yourself up. I’ve been on mn a while and the advice is incredible tell these ladies your situation and they will help you navigate it and point you towards organisations like women’s aid who can help

Sounds like Alzheimer's. My Mum got early onset around that age. VERY similar instances that you've described.

The house has a granny flat in the garden. The granny flat is full of his junk (as is the rest of my beautiful house), I could move in there. But I don’t feel able to say anything to him yet.

today his sister is here and he’s decided to just continue as if nothing happened. I want to tell him if he had been nicer I could have exchanged the shoes for him before she arrived. Instead I brought myself on a lovely drive in the countryside and enjoyed it as it was a lovely day. I’m not sitting with them in the living room. He cooked dinner and gave me some but he cooked it for her.

she keeps staring at me if I go into the living room.

That’s very scary. I looked after my dad for 3 years after my mother died and he had it but he was a very gentle man and never showed aggression when I was there. But it was horrible

OP, who owns the house?

We both do

If you do split up and divorce, the house can be forcibly sold and the proceeds split. So you've always got that knowledge to tuck into your back pocket.
But you don't seem to be ready for that step yet. So you need to find ways of making your life more bearable, and having less to do with him and his sister.
Can you access talking therapy, or just a good friend or family member, that you can vent to and who can give you an outside perspective. If you can develop ways of letting his nasty insults slide off you, without reacting, that should help. Have a look at Grey Rock method.
Take your time, look around for support in your area. See if you can get a free half hour with a solicitor. Just know that you can make this better.

OP, do you want to end up caring for this pig?
Get on to Women's aid and ask for help.
If you think life is miserable now, you have no idea how miserable it will be ending up caring for an abuser like him.
Women's aid and ask for legal advice.
Get that house sold, if you have an ounce of sense and self preservation.