Is he leading me on

[OneQuirkyZebra]

I've been talking for just over a month and been on 2 dates with a guy (both 30). I've been out of the dating game for a while so don't know if my expectations are off or hes leading me on.

Things started off with us having very deep conversations on the phone and dates have had a lot of chemistry and both ended with us sleeping together. We tell each other we miss each other and think about each other, which he was the first one to say. However after meeting the first time there have been no phone calls, I did suggest one but he was busy on the day and never acknowledged it.

After that i tried to back off because i thought maybe things had got too intense but if I don't message him he will double text the next day so he intiates conversation a lot although is a very blunt texter and doesnt ask about what ive going on during the week.

I feel like he says a lot of nice things but once i open up to him he withdraws. For example, we were msging our feelings after the 2nd date a few days ago, he said he felt like he'd been more open than me with his feelings so I told him what I thought and he basically just acknowledged it but didn't say much of his own thoughts. He did say he usually isn't as open on the subject with ppl as he is with me (which I felt like was a line) so I asked him why and he's not responded in over a day which he hasn't done since we started speaking.

I think it confuses me that we supposedly have these feelings but then the actions don't really match that, we don't call, we haven't planned a 3rd date, hes not responded in over a day etc but then we've also only been on 2 dates so is it too soon to expect more?

Is there an underlying cause that leads him to be different?
(I ask because, as an autistic man, I can act in unexpected ways in relationships)
He could be neurodivergent (autistic or similar). There could be another issue, eg traumatic memory, adverse childhood experience.... if he talks about opening up, but doesn't, he could be concerned about your reaction to something.

He liked you when all virtual
met you
realised not attracted to you and backing ifff ever since

in future don’t have deep meaningful conversations over the phone before meeting

It’s all far too intense for 2 dates in.

You've both got too deep before meeting creating a possible false sense of intimacy and maybe he’s now realised he’s not feeling it and slow fading.

you posted this exact thread 5 weeks ago

So is this the same man as the previous thread or another one with a similar scenario?

not “similar”

it’s word for word the same as 5 weeks ago

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5091008-not-sure-if-the-guy-im-dating-is-interested

not identical but… come on

so you haven’t seen him in 6 weeks

No idea if it's the same bloke but It's not going anywhere. If it was, more dates would have been arranged and things would flow, there would be an eagerness to see you in person, you wouldn't be getting stuck wondering what's going on at the texting stage. I'd leave it. You know when someone is interested.

Really? Cos a minute ago it was word for word the same? Why do you have such an issue? Still haven't been able to answer that yet you're absolutely spamming with replies

If it’s the same bloke then it’s gone absolutely nowhere in a couple of months so call it quits.

If it’s a different man then maybe you need to look at why you get so intense before meeting then expect far too much too soon after a couple of dates.

Either way it’s not worth pursuing

Thanks, appreciate the advice.

Thanks, had wondered this too as I'm autistic myself and feel like he may be too although he hasn't said but worth considering

Thanks, shouldn't overthink it all

Having seen on your other thread this is another man then I’d definitely say the fact an almost identical scenario has happened twice within a few months then you need to step back, maybe take a break from dating and understand why you’re getting so invested with a stranger

It’s not a great idea to be so intense after a couple of dates and the fact you’re repeating the same pattern maybe means you need to do the work on yourself to stop getting so invested.

Yeah I'd say you're right

Why why why sleep with someone so fast?? I know it’s a controversial issue and ‘not feminist’ but in the game of love there is hard evidence to suggest that a man’s bonding hormone will drop dramatically as soon as he has sex with you, making him more likely to bin you off.

next time, demand some old fashioned romance and make him work a bit for your affections. Make sure your needs (commitment, trust, reassurance etc) are all addressed before you go in for the kill.

you stand a much better chance of increasing his vasopressin hormone which will help tie him to you. Otherwise his testosterone will keep dictating, and you’ll just be another notch.

do some research into how men fall in love and apply advice given.

This. Two dates.

Yeah tbf I just wanted to myself as well when the opportunity presented itself but I agree maybe if the intention is to keep dating then would have been better to hold off

Sounds like a two and done situation. You've slept with him twice, he's love bombed from the start (deep conversations) and now he's backing off. It's over.

Sorry to be so blunt but if you've only been talking for a month and a couple of dates, telling each other you miss each other and having deep conversations on the phone at 30 before first date is not "green flag" behaviour.

It can be very difficult not to rush in when you feel like you want to get past the dating stuff and be in a relationship, but it sounds like you are only causing yourself more hurt by repeating this pattern every few weeks.

If this is playing on your mind so much, why don't you just propose a 3rd date? But if he gives you anything other than an enthusiastic and committed yes, accept he's a time waster.

But, I would recommend you throw him back now personally.

There’s nothing wrong with having sex when you want to but you need to work out if you’re someone who can have casual sex and not get invested and it sounds like that’s not you.

There’s loads on MN who will post and say they had sex within first 10 minutes and been together 50 years - and that’s great but it’s a risk if you are looking for commitment because for every one it worked out for there’ll be 100 who got ghosted afterwards.

If you’re doing OLD there are so many men out there looking for cheap easy quick sex and they’ll say anything to get it. Faking intimacy is the main one as well as claiming to want a relationship- but really after a shag.

But definitely the fact this has happened twice in a couple of months means whatever you’re doing isn’t working for you so you need to look at holding back emotionally and not rushing in head first to just repeat the same pattern.

We all want to but a bit of a restrain goes a long way. I’m dating a guy and am at same stage as u r. Month in and two sober dates. We held hands, kissed briefly and his hand slipped to my hip. We are now literally burning up for each other. This guy is going nowhere I can assure you apart from straight into my arms.

I'd back off, let him do the chasing. If he doesn't then forget about him. Virtual relationship isn't good enough. This all sounds like too much hard work. Relationships shouldn't be like that.