Are these normal things for parents to do?

[Allelbowsandtoes]

Hi all

Sorry if this isn't the right place to post this.

I've been thinking a lot of late about my relationship with my mum and why I feel such anger towards her. I've been thinking about my childhood and while i know she was always a laid back parent I am starting to think that some of the things she did were not normal, for example -

When I was 10 and my brother 12, she moved us down to Cornwall (5 hours drive from our dad) to be with her partner. He moved straight in. The first summer we were there she was very distracted by him and I remember she'd let me and DB go to the local beach alone - a 15 min walk each way, partly along a road without pavement.

She used to have sex with her partner really loudly - my bedroom was near hers and hers didn't have a door - when she became aware that I could hear them she didn't make any effort to stop. I still vividly remember how utterly grossed out I was listening to it but she framed it as natural and nothing to be worried about.

She openly used recreational drugs and when I was 17/18 I remember she'd occasionally give me and my mates MDMA....I'd already started using stuff at that point so it's not as though she started me off but it was very much normalised at home which i can see now is not a good thing.

When I was 16 she allowed my 18 year old boyfriend move in with us while he was homeless and stay in my room with me. Bit borderline, this one, but I felt sort of trapped by the relationship and wish she'd protected me a bit more.

Sorry if this post is long.....I myself don't have kids and don't know anyone with kids of that age so I'm wondering if her parenting is normal?

No, not normal. Except the road thing in rural areas maybe (depends how busy the road was).

The rest of it absolutely not (& I’m fairly laid back!)

Depends on your age.

If you were born pre-2000, I'd say it was pretty average parenting behaviour. Not that it was good parenting, but it was a different time. A lot of parents didn't know better and were moving through life with their own trauma that they didn't have the knowledge or access to adddress.

If you were born post-2000, then no.

Thanks, yes I forgot to say this, I was born late 80s.

Just wait until you have kids of your own, then you truly realise how fucked up your parents have made you

Some really fun difficult feelings then

Been trying for two years and looks like I'm not able to.....starting to think that's not a bad thing tbh

Depends in what circles you move in but I would say absolutely not 'normal' before 2000 either.
Sorry OP, your mum seems to have been distracted and immature, that can't have been easy for you and your DB.

This...

She sounds incredibly selfish and that's putting it politely

No. She was trying too hard to be your mate and sounds like there were no boundaries. Don't know what the year 2000 cut off has to do with it. How old was she when she had you?

What's the relationship like now?

That was not average parenting pre 2000 either. That was a lack of boundaries, neglect and selfishness from your mother. She was trying to be your friend rather than your parent.

In my old fashioned book it’s never normal for offspring young or older to hear their parents, as a matter of course, having sexual intercourse. In my opinion it’s a private act of love, sometimes lusty and not for others in a household to be party too.

If and when have children, try to be private and decorous with your DP or DH. Copulate behind closed doors unless by accident they walk in on you(s)! (Can be embarrassing for teens and you!)

Kids grow up soon enough.

I was born in 1968 and although parenting was far more lax in many ways back then, what the OP described was never the norm fir the vast majority

The relationship now is pretty crap, at least from my side anyway.
She has done a lot of work on herself and is much better nowadays, she'd genuinely do anything for me and is really supportive. I would love to feel differently about her but I have so much anger towards her that I just can't shift. I tend to find her difficult to be around. I know it really hurts her as she'd like to have a close relationship.

Nonsense. What are you on about? It most certainly was NOT 'pretty average parenting behaviour' before 2000.

"A lot of parents didn't know better" Sorry, but that's utter rubbish. The overwhelming majority of parents would never have behaved remotely like that. There have always been a few bad apples, as there are today, but you absolutely cannot say that anything like this was normal before 2000. Absurd.

No it's not normal. Normal for some fucked up people maybe.

Exactly! It most certainly wasn't average.

None of that was normal.

I don’t think pre2000 parents were all involved in drugs, inappropriate sexual behaviour and massively supporting them being groomed

op - no, this was not a normal childhood. I’m really sorry, and hope you have people to talk this through with

It may have been normal for very bohemian sorts like artists, rock stars or film stars and it no doubt still is, but it was not "normal" for ordinary people no matter what era you were born in. Why do you think that most people pre 2000 lived like this? It's a rather strange conclusion. My son was born in 1977 and I was very much a hippy type but neither I nor any of my friends would have brought our children up this way. The only normal thing the OP mentions is walking to the beach.

Walking to the beach at 10/12 with no pavement I don't think is terrible. My teens have to walk home from school, no pavement (I hate it and worry, but there aren't any options).
Moving from your dad wasn't ideal, but not usual back then, and I don't think it was really considered how damaging it could be for kids to have a parent move in with a new partner so quickly.
Having sex with you being in ear shot just ewww, that's shit parenting. Giving you drugs, totally irresponsible, and letting your boyfriend move it, she was trying to be the 'cool' mamma.
I'd say she's pretty damaged, immature and insecure she wanted to be your 'mate' and not your parent, she wanted you to validate her choices.

But going forward what do you want to happen? I doubt she'll acknowledged her parenting was less than ideal, so you need to decide if you can accept she was shit, forgive her and move forward. Or if you feel the damage and suffering is too much, and keep to a superficial relationship.
Remember though if you choose the latter, it's more likely you who will suffer. So if you can come to terms with her appalling parenting, you might be happier.

Sorry Op, she failed you, I don't think she was deliberately shite, she's just a flawed person. Very hard for you though

No but I was a teen in the 80s and my parents were still holding on to 1950s values. That fucked me up in an entirely opposite way.

The best parents - whatever era - put their children’s best interests before themselves. Mine didn’t and neither did your mum op. Self serving dicks. I am now a dutiful daughter to my elderly mother but she’ll never really have my heart or closeness.

Agreed, not even close imo.
Sorry OP.

Normal enough for a hippie type parent in the 1970s or 80s to be honest. Not great, but not anything that wasn't similar to the upbringing of a few folks I knew in my teens.

My parents were the other way - born in the 1930s, old and utterly uptight about sex before marriage. I was barely allowed out of the house and wasn't allowed to go out with boys before 18.

Not normal at all.

Op, your post resonates with me.

I feel disappointment in my parents for their lack of support when I was a teenager and young adult.

I did a short evening course at 16yo at an art school. A man, probably 50+ latched onto me and due to politeness I was railroaded into giving him my home phone number - this was mid 90's.

I told my parents straight away how uncomfortable I was and they did nothing. They even handed the phone over to me when he called every Sunday evening.

I told my brother (1 year older) and he was the one who snatched the phone and told this man to fuck off.

When I was early 20s I worked for a small business and got on well with the owner (mid 40s), but while I was friendly, I never flirted with him or gave him any romantic ideas.
I went out for lunch with him a few times (once a year, maybe) to fancy places as he styled himself as a "foodie". He said his wife was not interested in fine dining... one time we went out for dinner and he said he'd drive me back home. I still lived with my parents.
He tried to kiss me. I was horrified, he took me home straight away.

I woke my parents up as I was having a panic attack in the hallway after he dropped me. I told them what happened and they were both like; oh, we thought u were his mistress anyway ..wtf?! For context, I was very shy, from a Catholic household, went to a convent school and by this age had never had a boyfriend.

They didn't think about protecting me or advising me and they were/are completely normal average parents, no alcohol problems, no drug usage, middle class etc etc , Catholic.

I have a dd, I hope she feels she can come to me for support, and if I don't know how to help I will research and take advice rather than just shrug my shoulders.