My mum hasn't spoken a word to me in 4 days, yet we live in the same house.

[Elijah98]

So abit of context, I was home for a few days to see family though mostly to see university friends I hadn't seen in at least a year about a week ago. I'll be the first to admit it was kind of a wild few days with them. Alcohol does at times really not agree with me, especially if I'm driving the next day hang-xiety triggers anxiety manifestations. Anyway so I ended up getting the train home and lifted the car the next day - left at my brothers home at another city. But since coming to see family on the Sunday in my family city, she's not spoken a word to me. Dad lifted me from the train station and gave me a lecture about raining in the drink when I do and said to expect a lecture from mum but nothing.

Further back story is that since lockdown (2nd year uni 2019) to present day I have had a complex relationship with alcohol. I've gone through severe reliance, to moderation, back and forth, though never drink now unless I'm socialising, which isn't often at all. I'd be lucky if I go out 1-3x a month now a days. Part of me is thinking is she holding me having a bad reaction to it, which I know I can have, especially as I said if I drive the next day? Or what's going on.

I'm feeling extremely uncomfortable in the family home and today I didn't show to work as it's affected my mood as we have for the most part of my own life had a very close relationship. I would go to the gym, go a drive or grab a coffee with my mates to get out of the house but it's not pay day for another week.

What should I do?

Thanks,
E

It sounds like your relationship with alcohol might be more unhealthy than you are ready to admit OP.

1-3x a month may not seem like lot to you, especially if you have severely cut down, but it is still probably too often for someone who has a ‘complex relationship with alcohol’. TBH any amount of drinking will be a concern to those who care for you.

If you and your mum are close then she is probably just worried sick about you and doesn’t know how to communicate it effectively so she has shut down. Maybe she is worried that if she pushes too hard, you’ll pull away from her.

Talk to her. The longer you leave it the harder it will feel. Be direct, don’t try and ease into it with small talk. Say something like ‘Can we talk about the other night?’ Try not to get defensive. Remember you don’t have to ‘fix’ things in one conversation. If things get too heated, take a break and then resume the conversation when you are both more composed.

I CBA with passive aggressive people. I would go home. You need to stop drinking if it's a problem.

Whilst your relationship with alcohol is more important to you than your relationship with your family (including your mother), then things are not going to improve, sadly.

You have a decision to make.

The only thing to do here is leave her aline and sort out your alcoholism.

This has been going on for some time, and she's probably just exhausted and has nothing more to say to you.

Presumably she's lectured you many times before, but to no avail? Why spend time berating you again?

Is it possible that when drunk you’ve done something to upset her?

Every other week you're getting wasted, and you're just back from a multi-day bender that left you unable to drive home the day after. And you can't budget so you've run out of cash well before the end of the month. I think "gives me a bad reaction" and "complex relationship with alcohol" are doing a lot of heavy lifting in that description and your mother has maybe just had enough.

Stop drinking to excess, a wild few days to you probably looks more like a train wreck to your mother.
Honestly, you sound immature and completely unaware of the consequences of your actions.

No because when i got to my home city I hadn't had been drinking and haven't since. I was only when I was in a different city seeing friends

Sorry, but you can't expect people to bend your way when you are visiting them. It's sounds like you revert to being a teenager under your parents roof. I'd be annoyed too

Go to work? you cant not go to work because it has effected your mood. It is your actions that has caused it.

Stop drinking

Appologise to your mum - and mean it

Well it depends really. An adult sulking and ignoring a child, albeit adult is immensely emotionally immature. I think two things can be true - you’re a pisshead and she’s childlike. Is the silent treatment a one off or what she always does? If the one off is cut her some slack as she may just be worrried.

If you are drinking that much you shouldn’t be driving the next day. What is a complex relationship with alcohol mean?

Maybe you should grow up a bit?
You didn't go to work because you were upset?
Your parents are treating you like a teenager but you are acting like one and i think you need to have another look at your drinking, maybe you don't drink as much now but do you feel you can't have fun without it?

This is one of those threads where it would be really useful to hear from the perspective of the other person.

Stopping drinking sounds like a plan. After all, you've just been on a three day bender, regularly drive whilst you're still over the limit the next day, you're skint because you've caned all your money on it, prioritised it over seeing your family/spending time with your Mum and you'll be back out on the lash again by payday.

There's not really anything she could say to you other than leave and don't come back until you're permanently sober really, is there?

I was going to post the same thing.

I was exactly the same as you with alcohol when I was younger (now in my 40s). It took me a long time to realise I couldn’t drink at all, ever. It just affected me mentally and physically too badly. I was an alcoholic. You don’t have to drink every night or even regularly to be one - if drinking affects your life in negative ways then you are one. (My Mum, Gran and Dad were all alcoholics too).

Sounds as though you're behaving like a teenager and it sounds as though your mum has good reason to be pissed right off.

What you should do is get serious about sobriety.

You've clearly got alcohol issues, whether its daily or a binge drinking issue and your mum is doenw ith it.

From your short post ts clear your relationship with alcohol is unhealthy - so deal with that first, then your mum. If yourmum can see your attempting to change, i imagine she will be behind you 100%.

But its too painful to see your loved one ruining themselves.

It's what people say when they are not ready to admit they're alcoholics.

That is to say, they're in denial.

You’re blaming your mother for you not going into work? You’re an adult.

She hasn’t had a go at you, shouted at you or lectured you. I bet that would be much easier for you to dismiss. You’re basically angry with her because you know she’s disappointed in you and doesn’t want to talk you right now - and you know she has a point. You’re suffering with anxiety and you know drinking makes that much worse. She’s not saying the same old things to you because she knows you won’t change your behaviour. You missed work because drinking fucks you up.

Guess what? She doesn’t have to

… act like everything is fine and she’s ok with you living like this.

Look at this from her point of view -

You've come home after a wild few days
Needed help collecting your car
Run out of money
Skived off work

And you're wondering why she's upset?

Perhaps you could talk to her like a grown up and do something to reassure her that you're trying to sort yourself out.

Don't be angry with her for being upset with your behaviour. Be grateful that she cares and that she hasn't gone nuts.

Get your act together OP. Mum not speaking to you, ‘can’t’ go to work, yet you’re confused on what the issue is? Clearly the issue is the alcohol.