How can I keep this friend while not serving as her unofficial therapist?

[KateMiskin]

I have a friend whom I like, and would like to keep, so please no suggestions to bin her. We have a lot in common, she lives nearby, and I don't have enough friends as so many moved away in the pandemic.

The issue is that she is going through a tough time in her fifties, and uses me as a therapist. She won't take any of the advice I give her, and doesn't seem to want to change her situation, so I feel like i have been as supportive as I can. For instance, she is always complaining about how she has to fix everything in her family, but she continues doing way too much stuff for her adult DC instead of stepping back a bit.

I would like to meet her for light-hearted fun, but she always suggests meeting " so I can vent about my DC and DH". I have tried saying cheerily "Enough about the family, what are you doing for yourself now the DC are grown" but she won't take the hint.

I have my own problems- doesn't everyone?- but I attempt to keep upbeat when meeting friends.

What happens if you just stop giving advice and thinking of this as you acting as her ‘therapist’ — if you sit in silence thinking about other things as she vents? Or tell her about your problems?

I don’t think this friendship is going to work, though — no matter how desperate you are for a friend, you clearly have totally different ideas about what should happen when you meet.

How about doing an activity together?

I have been guilty of over-burdening friends in the past and I would say that you need to be honest.

… you are her friend and happy to share troubles but it’s exhausting you because you care.

….Happy to meet up but next time you are making family troubles a banned topic - the mission is to have fun/relax/try something new.

…. Has she considered counselling?

You could also ask some questions such as, ‘what do you want to happen? What can you do to change things?’ Sometimes that isn’t appropriate when supporting friends who are stuck (e.g., bereavement) but it sounds like she’s caught in a cycle of enabling bad behaviour and then feeling let down when she’s taken advantage of.

Good luck. You sound like a good friend.

If the tactics you’ve tried don’t work I’d say something directly, but if she’s U she may withdraw or end the friendship.

“Alright Sharon, you’ve 10 minutes to vent then we are going to talk about Netflix and holidays - off you go!”

I've had friendships like that that lasted years, but eventually ended because I couldn't take it anymore.

In order to behave like this, these people don't have much insight or sensitivity (to others).

Once someone has cast you in that role (and you've accepted it, however unwillingly) I think it takes a hell of a lot to change the dynamic. Certainly more than a hint.

Also look at your own role: read about people-pleasing and creating healthier boundaries.

@CeruleanDive Yes spot on. This happened to me. Was basically an unpaid therapist/agony aunt/ counsellor/ cardboard cut out for someone who never asked a thing about me and had no interest in my life or what I might have going on. Had to go NC

I think it depends on whether this is temporary because she's going through a rough time, or whether it's who she is now. If you've been friends a long time I think it's fair enough that if she's going through a difficult period it's inevitable that there will be a lot of venting and she will need support, we can't be fun all the time, sometimes life is tough and we have to be the one leaning on others.

I went through a horrible bereavement a few years ago and I was a compete misery to my friends for a year or two but they mostly stuck around because they knew it was a period I was going through, then things normalised. That's what friends do.

But if this is just who she is, you need to be direct.

These people don’t change with hints. You have to say it bluntly and change the subject over and over again

“yeah, we’ve been through all this many times but you don’t do anything to change it. Anyway, have you seen Sue lately?”

They’ll either be self-aware enough to change or they’ll back away and find someone else because they’re not getting what they want from you anymore.

I am a therapist! So I think you need to be hinest with her and direct. You and your good advice have just become part of her coping mechanism so she vents—gets a good feeling—then ignores your solutions because they threaten some other part of the family cohesion or her values. You can see this all the time on threads here when OPs can’t accept the obvious solutions offered to them.

You can also say “this seems important but its really above my pay grade/Im stumped. What else is going on these days?”

I’m experiencing this with a very close friend right now… they need to vent but don’t like the suggestions offered because they are not really looking for solutions. They want sympathy and validation for how terrible their life is at the moment, and tend to respond to constructive comments as challenges to their right to be pissed off/despairing. They do have some very serious issues to deal with and their mental health is delicate at the moment, so I don’t want to minimise what they are going through or to be too brutal…

I try acknowledging their feelings and then reaffirming the positives in their life, particularly focusing on where things have improved due to their own efforts.

Any further thoughts on how to get them to recognise what is happening most gratefully received…

I had a long standing friend who did this. I tried various things which didn’t work and eventually I had to end the friendship because it was so stressful and I felt used. A mutual friend mentioned her last week and is having a wonderful friendship with her which surprised me. She said the very first time she tried to vent, she held her hand up firmly and said No, we are not going to be doing that. She said it never happened again.

I’ve actually done this. Friend used to ask to visit weekly and it almost always was an evening of her getting the same issues she had with her job off her chest.

I softened it a little by adding she’d enjoy the evening a lot more if she set work to one side.

The tactic worked which is just as well because her gripes never changed and she never did anything about them.

FYI it’s all past tense because when some of life’s shit landed on me, her visits stopped.

Thanks for all the suggestions. I will try some of them. We do an activity occasionally, but lately she has not had time, so we usually meet for coffee. I will try to acknowledge her feelings because I don;t think she is being unreasonable or anything. Just that I prefer to talk about other stuff!

Tell her to get a therapist!

Oddly, I have recently got a therapist as I want to work through some things and not bore my friends with them! But I am lucky enough to get some private health care through my job. I guess it must be almost impossible on the NHS?

How about...

"I need to stop you just there for a minute. I love you as a friend but I can't be your therapist or rehab buddy."

Then a big shrug and order a pizza or whatever and say that you can't be that person she needs so will have to find that in someone else.

Tell her you're out of ideas and suggest the other people in her life might have a better idea of how she can cope.

If she says you've had ideas in the past, be blunt and remind her she's never acted on them.
I'd reduce the time spent together and the frequency. I'd also leave earlier than planned if the meeting becomes the usual gripefest.

She needs to pay for a therapist. I recently got one and OMG it's amazing. Far better than a friend because she's utterly blunt and gives me emotional homework. Yes I blather at friends sometimes but now only about one specific thing. Changing my whole life set up is definitely a professional job. Charge her £70 an hour, she'll soon stop.

Unless you are an actual therapist it's offensive to say you are her unofficial therapist. You are a friend she is getting to. Therapy is quite different as you illustrate. It's one sided and an understanding that you are both going to work intentionally for the benefit of the person. And the therapist holds the client in positive regard.

You are her friend. She is not your friend. She is a self-absorbed vampire who doesn't even consider that you have needs and problems, too. She doesn't take your advice because she really isn't interested in it. She just wants a emotional hostage she can complain to.

Life is too short.

“Hi yes, I absolutely would love to see you. One caveat, we speak about ourselves-not about our families. I want to spend time with you, not vicariously with them. If you are up for a ‘me and you’ night/evening/day how about x day at y o’clock, doing z?”

I think your mistake is thinking she wants your advice.
You'd probably feel less frustrated if you accepted that she isn't, for whatever reason, looking for solutions right now.

Try just listening. Nodding. Saying soothing shit and if she asks you why the change, that's your opening to say tbh, it's clear you aren't wanting advice. I've offered plenty and it doesn't seem to have been what you wanted. I don't think it's good for either of us for me to keep saying the same things.

I suspect though that she won't ask why you aren't offering advice. I don't think she'll even notice. She's so focused on getting it out that I doubt she's taking anything in.

"I've told you that I think, I've nothing more to add. Did you watch whatever last night"

I was in a similar situation and getting drained going over the same things while my friend did not actually do the things he could to make impactful changes. I offered advice, sent information etc but he didn't follow it up. Next time, same draining dementor so after several repeats, I changed my tack. He obviously didn't want practical tips he wanted to vent. I decided either let him vent or reduce my time with this person. I found it much less stressful listening to him when I accepted he didn't actually want my help to make changes but just wanted to vent. We are still friends but I do restrict our time together when he is getting a bit much (still same problems).