How can I keep this friend while not serving as her unofficial therapist?

[KateMiskin]

I have a friend whom I like, and would like to keep, so please no suggestions to bin her. We have a lot in common, she lives nearby, and I don't have enough friends as so many moved away in the pandemic.

The issue is that she is going through a tough time in her fifties, and uses me as a therapist. She won't take any of the advice I give her, and doesn't seem to want to change her situation, so I feel like i have been as supportive as I can. For instance, she is always complaining about how she has to fix everything in her family, but she continues doing way too much stuff for her adult DC instead of stepping back a bit.

I would like to meet her for light-hearted fun, but she always suggests meeting " so I can vent about my DC and DH". I have tried saying cheerily "Enough about the family, what are you doing for yourself now the DC are grown" but she won't take the hint.

I have my own problems- doesn't everyone?- but I attempt to keep upbeat when meeting friends.

I find it much less tiresome being a good listener to a friend if we're out for a walk or playing table tennis, gardening, cooking together at the same time. It means I feel I'm benefiting from the time as well as being a good listener.

How about you start a hobby, you can suggest you do a floristry course, yoga or maybe just a day activity such as a pottery class or bangle making. If you do it with other people would she be less likely to 'vent' at you?

It is difficult if she just wants to see you to vent, if this is all she wants from you may have 'have' to examine if you want to continue the friendship.

So she doesn’t have time when you suggest a fun activity? But she has time to moan at you when it suits her? Hmmm not great. I’d say no to the coffees and keep suggesting an activity so you get what you want from the relationship

Don’t give advice- therapists never do that anyway. I’m uncertain what you want from this relationship. Do you want her to stop offloading, which is very wearing? Do you want her to get her own therapist- could you suggest that you think that the time has come for her to do that because you feel she needs more than you can give her in that aspect?

As has been suggested, can you do things together where the activity deflects from her talking about herself?

Giving advice or suggestions isn’t what she needs and only invites a push back anyway. Next time she’s going on and on, ask her
1 what she thinks her options are
2 how she sees her future,
3 what help she needs

Ask the questions and make her do the work on herself

Joke response (sort of) tell her about all your dramas and make some up
Every time she tries to interject, say, "I'm not finished yet", and go on and on and on. And at the end say, "phew I've been holding it all in and I feel SO MUCH better. Thanks for letting me have a turn for a change!"
Then walk away smiling 😁

How about we have a fun lunch? Let’s forget about stress, relationships and venting. Let’s be happy women enjoying one another’s company.
Then smile.
It might be that this lady has got into a situation where she calls you up and does not know what else to suggest. It could be nice for her to have a bit of fun!

I had two friends like this.

One was going through a tough time and all of our conversations ended up being dominated by how she was feeling, how bad things were etc. I was worried for her, but I also realised that I was starting to feel anxious about seeing her.

So I told her that - and that she was a good friend that I didn't want to lose. Made it clear I wanted to support her and that I wanted her to be able to share how things were going and how she was feeling. But that the entirety of every conversation we had, could not be about her problems. We had a chat and worked it out. We're still good friends now and thankfully life improved for her.

The other had a litany of problems and issues. At first I tried to give advice, then I tried to be a sympathetic ear and gently change the subject - no go. Eventually I realised that she was just relentlessly negative about everything. So I stopped reacting and engaging and rinsed and repeated that's a shame, I'm sure things will get better eventually.

After a couple of weeks I noticed that she wasn't contacting me as frequently. I didn't chase her, and within a couple of months I'd stopped hearing from her. And I realised that I thought she was a friend, but she didn't see me that way - I was simply a sounding board for all of her problems, and when I wasn't willing to provide that for her she went and found someone else.

My advice would be, work out which category your friend falls into - is she someone who has supported and helped you in the past? Or is your friendship one-sided where she takes and you give? Once you know this, you can work out what you want to do. I wouldn't bother trying to have an honest chat with someone who is a mood hoover, because all they'll do is add you to the list of problems (I can't believe Kate's stabbed me in the back like this!).

She won't take any of the advice I give her, and doesn't seem to want to change her situation, so I feel like i have been as supportive as I can.

It’s ironic that you’re saying this when you opened your post saying you specifically didn’t want a certain type of advice (i.e. to ditch her). While it’s fine that you don’t want to do that, maybe you need to remember that she doesn’t want the particular type of advice you’re giving her either.

I had a friend like this. I thought she was going through a temporarily bad patch but actually this is her life. She's self-created a life that is a chaotic mess and although moaning about it, wont help herself with some clearly obvious things she can do. I have given loads of advice but none followed up or taken.

I started using this response each time she started moaning: "OK, so what are you going to do about it?" and then wait.... dont fill the gap and dont keep the conversation going.

I found that I came away from each catch-up feeling absolutely exhausted. This is not what friendship is about (she rarely asked anything about my life, I realised on reflection). I have to see her sometimes (due to a group we are in) but I consciously minimise the time I spend with her. Constant moaning and negativity does no-one any good. She seems to thrive on it and dragging others into her drama - I feel sorry for her and think this is how she gets attention.

If youve seriously got your $h|π together then this is your lot in life.. This is how the universe balances out. Your friend is not going to suddenly get her $h|π together!!!! It aint going to happen. What couLd happen is your SO might look at you and think: my work for you is complete, your friend needs me more. ( Ask me)