Partner spending time with his ex as a family

[lulubelle4]

Wondering how others would feel about this …….
I’ve been with my fiancé for 2.5 years. We have 4 month old baby. He has 2 children with his ex wife, they separated 7 years ago. His children are 18 (has moved out and living with Uni friends) and a 15 year old that lives with ex wife.
The 15 year old has asked that for his birthday this year (with 4 days notice) that my fiancé goes over to his ex wife’s house, spends the morning there with his ex wife, 18yr old and 15 yr old for present opening, then drives them out for lunch and then spends the afternoon bowling, so a day out as a family.

It felt odd to me when my fiancé told me this.
He gets on ok with his ex wife, I get on ok with her and both children, they stay with us regularly and I spend time with them on their own and together with my fiancé. We usually all go out for birthday/celebration meals together or he’ll go out with one or both children on his own. When it was the 18 year olds birthday we all went out for a meal (all being myself, fiancé, his ex wife, her parents, her partner and all kids).

I’m slightly sad that I haven’t been invited, but not that bothered, as I’m used to my fiancé going out with one or both kids without me and pleased they have time alone together and pleased I don’t have to tag along for every outing.
It just feels so strange to me to think of my fiance going to his ex’s house spending time there just the four of them, then driving them out and having a lunch as a family and bowling, when I’m sitting at home with his baby. I presumed that my fiancé would take the 15 year old out or they’d be at our house at some point during the day or night and I’d either come along for a meal or activity or they’d do something on their own.
I’ve only just found out about these suggested plans and don’t want to act unreasonably or say anything unreasonable, but wondering how others would feel in this situation.

You need to think of his 15 year old son. He comes first here. Why shouldn’t he have his Dad and family for a short while? My biological father’s wife wouldn’t let me see him without her and it’s caused so much emotional damage to me. It’s healthier that he’s amicable with his ex.

Please don’t be that woman who comes between a father and his kids 😢

As it's a kids birthday it wouldn't bother me.

Other occasions it might, especially if it became a regular thing.

I think it's really great that a 15 year old wants to have a family day like this for their birthday and not go out with mates. And good that everyone gets on and can be civil.
Be glad that your DP is a mature sensible person who's bringing up good teens !

Do you think that the fact you now have a four month old baby is any thing to do with your step son wanting his birthday with his mum and dad as a family? A bit of reassurance that he is still important to his Dad? Wanting a bit of focus on himself?

This and add in who wants a baby at a bowling alley etc?

Surely you can see the dynamic has been completely changed now?

We let our DC choose who they want to spend their birthday with. This usually means ExH, his live in DP & I. Not my DP as he is newer. We go for a meal out or sometimes takeaway at his. There is no baby but if there was I suspect they may think that was an inconvenience to an activity like bowling although I’m sure they’d love a baby sibling.
I wouldn’t get upset about it. This is a good Dad spending time with his DC how that have asked. It isn’t something to be jealous of and doesn’t mean they don’t like you or your DC. You are more likely to cause that by making a fuss.

I’m only surprised this situation has never happened before, he’s their dad, having time with both their parents despite them being separated is actually really adult of your DP and his ex here, for the sake of the kids.

You need to learn to live with this, they’re still joint parents even though he’s your partner, and they always will be.

I agree with PP that this is what the 15 year old wants and it’s really nice that the parents are mature enough to work together to give the kid a great birthday.

It’s really not something I’d have an issue with. In fact I’d be pleased at what a great dad he is.

If you split up, I’m sure you’d like it for your baby that you could spend time together as a 3 when your baby is older.

Also you don’t have to “sit at home with his baby”. You could arrange a fun day for you both.

Having a baby with someone doesn't mean the original children disappear why is this a surprise to people? This is a good thing that is going on

It does seem like a 'I have him now and my child comes first' is a popular perception with blended families

I do think it's a bit odd to leave you and new sibling out. Can your DH suggest you join them for the lunch ? Leave them to the rest? He does need to get used to the new set up without dismissing what he wants

The boy wants to spend time with both his parents together and not feel split. It's not about you although I understand why you feel uncomfortable.

Does ex wife have a partner?

I think this is a 15 year old who doesn't want a baby at their birthday which is understandable really and he wants his Dad all to himself, not sharing him with you and his sibling. You usually all spend time together which suggests a lovely positive relationship with your fiance and his ex which honestly if you read enough of MN this is rare. And not just when the children are young but can't even be in the same room for weddings or graduations.

Honestly, I would try to be happy that they don't have an acrimonious relationship and that everyone can be in the same room. Don't see it as left behind holding the baby. You did start a relationship with a man who has children already. As important as your baby is to you, that is how important all of his children are to him. And no I am not an ex wife, I have been married for 25 years and have seen plenty of my friends get divorced and the aftermath.

Is the ex wife's new partner also left out of the birthday day out?

Thank you for the replies, I really appreciate different points of views and I wasn’t sure why I felt odd about this and if other people would or wouldn’t feel this way.

I should clarify, our baby would never have been coming along to any of the birthday events. The 15 year old also knows that whenever there’s a meal out or an activity, my mum or brother have the baby as they are so local and love babysitting, so it definitely wouldn’t be due to thinking the baby would come along, as that wouldn’t be practical at all.

I also have no issue with my fiancé and his kids spending time together without me or our baby, I never have. The 15 year old stays at our house most weekends and has always gone out for dinner/cinema/activities alone with my fiance, they also spend time alone in the house every weekend as I’m often working one of the afternoons (baby goes to my mum or brother whilst I work at weekends) or out. That’s been the same before and after our baby was born. I love that they spend time alone together, I’ve never felt I have to be involved in everything and since the baby has been born, I’ve made sure to be out with the baby as much as I can when the 15 year old is around at the weekends so they have a quiet house and time together. My mum has the baby all day for one of the weekend days every week, whichever suits us most, so it’s not like the baby is around a lot when the 15 year old is over.
The 15 year old doesn’t actually have any friends due to being home schooled online and not having hobbies or activities where they’d get the chance to meet any friends, so I try to be extra mindful that they probably see their parents and sibling as their friends and don’t get the opportunities of events and trips out with friends like other teens their age.

Although I felt a bit sad that I wasn’t invited to any of the birthday plans, I don’t really mind that too much. The additional perk is that I have a work free day that day and it could be a baby free day too if my mum has the baby, so it could be a very relaxing day, hehe. I think I just felt weird about my fiancé going out with his ex for the day, it was the ex being there for the day that felt strange to me. My fiancé being out for the day with one or both of his kids is a norm and doesn’t bother me at all, I like it and am pleased he’s a good dad in that sense.

The 15 and 18 year old are staying with us anyway on the birthday night and the following 3 days as they have activities and birthday treats planned with my fiancé, like a day out and overnight stay in London on their own. So I just presumed that the kids would be spending some of the birthday daytime with their mum as they have in past birthdays since we’ve been together, his ex has usually started the day with the kids and my fiancé has had them at the later part of the day and night.
His ex wife has a partner of 3 years but they don’t live together (her choice). He has several children from previous relationships, so I’m presuming he’s busy that day or spending the night prior with them, as usually he’d be around.

It's the kid's birthday.

He wants one day where he gets what he wants, a celebration with his nuclear family, and I think that's fair. For the other 364 days of the year he has to split his time between two families.

This isn't about you, it's about making your SS happy on his birthday, let them do it and with your blessing.

I have been in this position many times myself. My partner has 2 DD one 23 and one 19 the difference is we dont have any children ourselves.

There has been many many times like GCSE/ALEVEL results meals, Uni graduation, Birthdays etc that they have been a family of 4 and I stay at home. Before his DD had jobs and money he would take them and his ex out for lunch on his Exes bday etc. I equally get on well with their Mum and we have spent Christmas days together etc. But I do get that weird feeling and I understand where you are coming from but the bottom line is you would rather he was this type of person a proper family dependable man than a total douchebag. You feel weird I get it.

My weird feeling was that I would never share a family moment like that as I cannot have children so maybe I was feeling weird for another reason but I do get it

I think that taking the baby out so much to avoid the 15 year old is quite odd tbh. As is getting a a baby sitter for the baby when your parter is at home with his other children? Your update makes it seem like you are very separate from the children and don’t spend much time with them?

I know this isn't what your thread is about, but he doesn't do anything outside of the family? Most homeschool people I know of go to pains to make sure they have hobbies, study groups etc. where they make friends - why doesn't he do anything outside of the family?

myself and my ex regularly spent special occasions together as a family. although my DH and his DW were also included.. so at first glance, this request would not be odd to me, however, the fact that you and baby are excluded tells a lot.

perhaps the 15 year old is feeling a bit unloved and unwanted since the arrival of his new half sibling, and wants things to go back to how they were.

by them creating this 'perfect family' setting they are sending messages too the 15 year old, and thats unfair to him and to you.

i would have a conversation with your partner and explain that while you are happy for a 'family' birthday, that it must include everyone and not exclude anyone.

in a previous life i dated a man who. although divorced many many years from his ex, he had 2 children and they were the stars and the moon to him, so much so that he allowed them to make every single decision in his life, they dictated everything! and trust me thats not a life you want moving forwards.

ah yes.. but one day of getting what he wants, turns into 2, then 4, then 16 and before you know it you have an issue on your hands.

he's old enough to understand how things are, its not like he's 3 or 4! hes nearly a young adult.

i agree with a family birthday, but i feel its a disaster waiting to happen to let him dictate the terms

That's not at all what op is saying. It's spending tome with his ex as a family that's the issue, not spending time with his kids. Lots of reaching on this thread.

Let's be honest op not many people will like it but on mn you'll get told he should be allowed to move back in with her and you should be cool with it.

@pimmsoclock24 Thank you, it’s good to know others have been in a similar situation.

I get on ok with his ex and I’d only ever be polite to her, but I can see she does take the p**s a bit, she always wants it her way and will have a stern talk to my fiancé if he’s not in agreement with her. Or when she wants something from him, she’ll be very chatty and ask to meet him for a drink out and a chat. It always transpires it’s something to do with her wanting something from him. Aside from that, she cuts him out of most decisions with the kids. She stays at her partners place a lot and seems to please herself.
I stay out of that and just let them get on with it.

@yeesh The babysitting at weekends came about because I usually work for one of the afternoons and my mum is only usually available for long stretches at weekends for babysitting so she said she’d like to have the baby for one day at the weekends to have some bonding time herself and to give us a break. I also work a couple of evenings and my fiancé looks after the baby then. I get to catch up with friends and other family at the weekends, so am often out with the baby then too, or if I’m out having my own time, my brother looks after baby as he’s just down the road from us. It feels like that works well as then the 15 year old has lots of time with my fiancé alone and chill time at the house. I do get to spend time with the kids and we do stuff as a family too, I’m just mindful to create space and time for them without me (and now baby) where I can. I spend more one on one time with the 18 year old and we go out and do things together. She’s very inclusive and laid back, she has her own life and lots of friends to divide her time, so I guess it’s a different case there.

@Pootles34 Oh I know, I flagged this not long after meeting my fiancé as I found it quite sad for the child. It seems like my fiancé had pushed for him to go back to school and if not, then to join groups for other kids his age, but his ex wasn’t interested, she said he can make his own decisions and she didn’t want to push him. So he stopped going to school and chose gaming, watching movies and tv series way older than his years, going to bed at 3am and getting up at Midday instead 🙄. He does want friends now though, so hopes to start college next year and find some. I hold out hope!

@sentfrmmyiphone So much of your post rings true, especially the last part, his kids pretty much do dictate everything he says and does, he didn’t create any boundaries and said he kept going to his ex’s house to hang there for years after they separated just so the kids didn’t have to feel like things were different. I wondered if that created a bit of a false world for them. Then when we met, the 15 year old was quite stand off ish with me for a long time and didn’t see why anything would have to change.
I suppose I’ve sort of gone along with it as I didn’t feel it was my business where his kids are concerned and also didn’t want to rock the boat. On the one hand the 15 year old likes to hang around with me and my family, he also loves the baby and calls us all family and has been choosing to spend more time with us and meet up with my family members to hang out, but then other times he’ll almost shun me. I just put it down to him being a teen and being a slightly different one in the way his life has just revolved around living at home with his mum, when she’s there, having his sister and his dad as his only friends and not getting out there doing what most teens are doing.
I had a talk with my partner before the baby was born about being inclusive and not purposely excluding anyone from things, especially occasions such as birthdays and Christmas and I go out of my way to make them feel included in everything and for them to know that our home is their home whenever they want it etc. My partner agreed and mostly things have been working ok with the balance of them all having time together alone several times a week.
It’s just this upcoming birthday event kind of felt like a bit of a jolt and I didn’t think it was just the sadness of me not being invited (as personally for me,that has its pro’s of a peaceful day to myself). I felt weird about my fiancé going off for a day of events with his ex and I guess a family event without this family member. My friends don’t give a balanced view as they have often pointed out that he has a weird relationship with his ex and kids and that he is scared of them, which I don’t think to be completely true, so I don’t feel like I can confide in them about this birthday issue as I don’t think they’ll provide a balanced view and open my eyes to other ways of thinking or seeing it.

Whether you like it or not, they are also his family. I think it's great

The ex isn't?