Partner spending time with his ex as a family

[lulubelle4]

Wondering how others would feel about this …….
I’ve been with my fiancé for 2.5 years. We have 4 month old baby. He has 2 children with his ex wife, they separated 7 years ago. His children are 18 (has moved out and living with Uni friends) and a 15 year old that lives with ex wife.
The 15 year old has asked that for his birthday this year (with 4 days notice) that my fiancé goes over to his ex wife’s house, spends the morning there with his ex wife, 18yr old and 15 yr old for present opening, then drives them out for lunch and then spends the afternoon bowling, so a day out as a family.

It felt odd to me when my fiancé told me this.
He gets on ok with his ex wife, I get on ok with her and both children, they stay with us regularly and I spend time with them on their own and together with my fiancé. We usually all go out for birthday/celebration meals together or he’ll go out with one or both children on his own. When it was the 18 year olds birthday we all went out for a meal (all being myself, fiancé, his ex wife, her parents, her partner and all kids).

I’m slightly sad that I haven’t been invited, but not that bothered, as I’m used to my fiancé going out with one or both kids without me and pleased they have time alone together and pleased I don’t have to tag along for every outing.
It just feels so strange to me to think of my fiance going to his ex’s house spending time there just the four of them, then driving them out and having a lunch as a family and bowling, when I’m sitting at home with his baby. I presumed that my fiancé would take the 15 year old out or they’d be at our house at some point during the day or night and I’d either come along for a meal or activity or they’d do something on their own.
I’ve only just found out about these suggested plans and don’t want to act unreasonably or say anything unreasonable, but wondering how others would feel in this situation.

I understand why your a little hurt by being left out, ride it out gracefully.

But why? Surely as he becomes an adult he will dictate terms more and more? Wait until he has his own house and then can invite whoever he wants over? His new partner can’t demand a relationship with his kids as it’s likely just to backfire, she can just try develop it naturally and hope it becomes whatever it is she wants it to be. But saying you only see your father on my terms will destroy that.

I can understand why this would hurt. I think if the mothers new partner was invited and you wasn't it would be very rude, however, if he just wants to have some time with his mum and dad then I think that's understandable and shouldn't be taken personally.

Finally, somebody who gets it. If I had a quid for every friend who had told me, let him be a good dad and spend time with his kids. It's not the kids, it's the playing happy families with the ex that's the issue. They're divorced for a reason. Before you know it, this won't just be birthdays, it will be a regular thing.

They probably just want to spend time with just the 4 of them before they get older and harder to arrange spending the day together.
Its nice they can do that and be civil for their kids.

I just need some advice that my fiancé said after we get married he still will always go vaccination with his ex wife and kids together even we have our own kid and even while I’m pregnant he will leave us at home and he still will go vaccination with them . Is it acceptable or am I only the one can not accept and think too much ?

Reading this after 3,5m breakup exactly because of all this fuss.
We've been dating 4y and I moved to his apartment, but his family [2grown up sons 19 and 23 who because of breakup acted as child's not adults] with ex-w lived at neighbor's door. So I felt as moving in with his family, and it was a constant mix up with no boundaries. He was OK with it, and I not.
Eventually - it is very difficult to handle such situations, for me it was too much and having no real place-feeling for me in our relationship, so I left.
Bottom line my joke is - find a man without kids.

"The 15 year old doesn’t actually have any friends due to being home schooled online and not having hobbies or activities where they’d get the chance to meet any friends" This is really wrong and unhealthy. What are the parents doing to facilitate them making friends?

If your child was older I’d be upset they were being left out but not at four months. You and the baby is an added complication of faff and car seats etc … and it’s a bit different the new wife and baby being out in a community setting vs being in the home. I cant imagine I’d want my exes new wife and baby in my home all morning unless my son specifically asked for that. I think you should let this go but tell your DH you don’t want it to be a usual thing in future that you and baby are excluded from things like Xmas outings etc

Not normal unless you’re the second wife and he is into polygamy. Start a new threat though

I'm a soon-to-be stepmother and I understand why you're feeling that way. 15 can be a difficult age though. I agree with the advice to ride it out for now when it's just for a few hours on his birthday. I suspect that once he's older and his little brother is older, he might feel differently. I've found that I'm getting closer my DPs sons now they're past the teenage years.

Are you still on MN OP? If so, would you mind updating on how this went please? I’ve just read a similar post and commented that I thought it was a bit weird (I could never have imagined wanting my divorced parents in the same room so maybe that skews my thinking) but most people seem to think it’s really normal. I try to be a reflective person so it would be interesting to see if things like this can happen and just be normal and not a sign that there’s an issue within the relationship. Thanks x

He just wants to spend time with his family and I understand that.

I would have loved to be able to do things like that with my exDH and our kids but unfortunately he ended up with an incredibly jealous and insecure girlfriend. So we haven’t spoken for nearly a decade, not even via text. It’s sad really.

Don’t be like girlfriend OP, let his son have a nice birthday

Just noticed this is a zombie thread, ignore my previous reply

@Notsurewhatisnormalanymore
It seems like ages ago now, but as an update, my dp barely discussed it with me and did what he wanted to do regardless of my thoughts or feelings. He went ahead & spent the day with his ex and (then) 18 year old & 15 year old. I think the not talking it through with me or considering my feelings hurt more than the actual event in the end. In reflection though, that's what he always does, if he thinks I wouldn't agree with something or I'd be hurt by it, he either just won't tell me and would lie about it or he'd tell me, hear me raise an issue about it and then tell me he's decided to do it anyway and its not up for discussion and he'd just go ahead and please himself. Its the main reason I've been put right off him. We are barely in a relationship now, we live together still & function well with day to day stuff most of the time, but are in the limbo of not really together, but haven't officially separated yet.

On another note, the 15 year old is now 16 & is at college! He is loving the course & being around people his age. He hasn't actually made friends that he see's outside of the classroom yet, but its still early days. It's bound to be a bit more of a struggle for him to make friends and maintain friendships, due to not being socialised at all since he was around 10 years old, so it may take some extra time and hurdles because of the unique situation he was put it, but he's told me he'd love some proper friends to do normal 16 year old stuff with, like going to the movies and events with them and have someone to hang around with outside of college. I have hope he'll find that soon and it all goes smoothly.

Every situation with these circumstances is different though as there are so many different factors and dynamics at play, it may work for some, it just didn't work for me.

Thanks so much for updating! I thought that might be how it is now or even worse. I’m sorry.