My ongoing troubled relationship

[Realjournal123]

My partner of 20+ years- I've caught him arranging g viagara through a friend when he was on a business trip abroad. Recently confined him about it BUT he simply denies it and won't talk at all about it! I'm not coping with it. I need answers. Even told him to just be honest and tell me the truth and I so t mention it again! (Idiot). Anyway last night I asked again to talk about his continuing secretive lifestyle( taking another home in France) - anyway last night he told me he loves me but he doesn't LIKE me! What does this even mean? Does he mean it's over? I've been so good to him. He's 12 years older than me and I have two step children whom I took under my wing. Unbelievably ungrateful and such a user. I still care inform him but he's a brutal and nasty person which I didn't see until now. Do I end it? Or is he having a mid life crisis that he will get over? I've nobody else to talk to about this.

Can you explain the taking another home in France?

Of course you should leave him, he sounds horrible! A secret home in France? What on earth!. I reckon you can do a whole lot better!

Mind you regardless of this your description of him as brutal, nasty and a user tells me this is a relationship you need to be out of !

Its ridiculous to even ask these questions. You described a terrible person. Figure out the finances and get out. He will soon enough.

A lot of men use viagra or other such medication and don't tell their partners. They find it embarrassing and don't react well when it's raised.

As far as the home in France and him not liking you.. that's something else.

You deserve better.

He rented a home there and told everyone aparrt from myself and my sons. He even told strangers at a New Yeats Eve party and the man came to me and said ‘he’s got a other life’! I had already found out about it via overheari g him on the phone. Hes not discreet. He then faked marriage arrangements for us and we even went to arrange the marriage certificate then he lost interest. I tried pushing it but he went cold on me. He lies about me and tells relatives very intimate personal details about me that only he knows. It’s torture but I feel trapped as I nowhere else to go.

Goodness me, what on earth are you doing staying with this man.

Get all your paperwork in order and leave him.

There really is nothing else to be said.

Why can’t you just leave?

I can’t leave because I’ve nowhere to go. I’m not young but I’m still slim and attractive but my confidence is very low. He supports us quite well and pays the bills but boy do we hear about it. He wastes a lot of money himself. My heart tells me to leave but my head tells me to stay. He told me yesterday that he thinks we need a long time apart. It’ll be forever. He keeps telling me he can get any young woman he wants! He can be very vindictive. He will cut me off without a penny. I dont have a leg to stand upon.

I guess that it's time you started to take responsibility for yourself. You need to find work if you don't have a job and somewhere to live. He's obviously moving on and it's going to happen sooner or later.

What a horrible person he sounds.
He doesn't seem to like or respect you.

It sounds as though it's only a matter of time before he ends the relationship anyway.
Surely you would be better off taking the initiative and making plans to leave and start a new life.
Do it on your terms rather than one day him suddenly just ending it and leaving you high and dry.

Unless you want more miserable years ahead, then of course you should leave him. He's not worth it!

There's so much history. We lost a child, I have been through SO much with him. So much stress and heartache. No money at all. Then plenty of money with him usually blowing it.
I was told he said he respects his ex more than me because she left him! So fked up. His son told me he thinks his dad is a sociopath/ narcissist and when I looked this up it was like reading about him. It was a lightbulb moment. He doesnt care about anyone e or anything if it doesn't affect him. Sometimes we dont speak for a week then when he's feeling like it he talks and we just go back to the old mundane ways. Hes constantly travelling g and loving his life right now.

Yeah fuck him off, what a self absorbed twat thinks he's better than you and can do better than you! What an absolute bellend. He's a nasty piece of shit. How dare he speak to you like that honestly some men really piss me off.

Maybe do it without him knowing will shock him more just leave one day pack all your shit up when he's living his life in France and don't tell him. Then start organising finances and stuff have you got family or friends you can go too?

Situations of financial dependency give rise to contempt. He had no respect or regard for your abs sees you as an inconvenience.

Imagine he drops dead tomorrow and doesn't leave your anything. What would you do?

Dependency will lead you to stay and get abused. This is no easy to live.

He sees you being treated terribly and your stay. He's not going to stop.

What has you bneing slim ans atrractive got to do with your ability to leave?

It reads as though you think you can only leave if you can get another man (and as though only slim, attractive people can get relationships).

I wouldn't be looking for another relationship. I'd be looking to get out, and to stay single, and to build yourself back up again before you even start to think about whether you want to be in another relationship.

This man sounds vile. He's told you he doesn't like you. He doesn't act as though he loves you. He lies. He doesn't respect you. He appears to have a secret life. He sulks / gives you the silent treatment for days at a time.

Does he have a single positive trait?

Please please please leave him. Much better to be happily single, and to be independent, than to be dependent on a man who treats you so badly and clearly doesn't love you.

I'm so sorry you're in this position, but please don't rely on him suddenly turning into a decent, trustworthy person. He clearly doesn't have it in him.

Thanks for your comment. I merely wrote this for context. I’m not now or in the future planning to have another relationship. That’s actually the last thing I want. I want peace and tranquility and a dog which I will receive love and respect and loyalty from. I’ve had plenty of trauma one way or another so there comes a time in your life when simplicity and serenity are what is required. It’s just that I feel after all of the years spent with this man, I deserve for him to take responsibility and secure me at least in part. This is what happens in a divorce. We are not married.

You say 'Do I end it?'
But it's ended already, you know that. For both of you. He's not a good person.
I hate to join the LTB chorus that usually ensues on here but in this case, yes you've got to do it, take the pain now because if you don't, it will be worse later and you'll be beating yourself up for wasting more of your life.
Reset, restart. On your terms, your timing, not his.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this vile man? Please make plans to leave.

How old are you? Do you not work?

Ok you might “deserve” money but you aren’t going to get money since you were not married you get nothing when he dumps you or when you leave.

This fantasy that he will wake up and voluntarily share his wealth you, or recompense you in any way (even rhetorically) for your supposed sacrifices is just a fantasy. This kind of servile, self abnegating, wishful thinking is what got you into this horrible, disrespectful, relationship in the first place.

You came in to the relationship with hopes, dreams, assets, capabilities and he strip mined you and sold you for parts. That is the reality. Run away as fast as you can, plant yourself in new soil, and start to build up again.

'I deserve for him to take responsibility and secure me at least in part. This is what happens in a divorce. We are not married.'

People have to choose to opt in to the state getting involved in your relationship by way of marriage contracts. You and the boyfriend have chosen not to.You must secure housing for yourself and your kid, focus on that, not the gross man.
You cannot be dependent on a boyfriend who doesn't like you, for housing or anything else.

OP in my opinion he's used you for free childcare and as a domestic servant. He's been very savvy in not marrying you.

I'd guess he's not faithful hence the Viagra and has a mistress hence the secret rental. I'd say he disengaged a long time ago but likes his home comforts.

Can you make an appointment with the citizens advice on how to proceed or phone Shelter regarding housing. I'd start making plans to leave.

Latest revelation is he’s taken membership of a London club and added me as a member but strangely forgot to tell me.! I only found out by default and he let it slip. Tells me I’m paranoid. And jealous of his lifestyle.