How do you accept it's over when you know it's over?

[sadabouti]

We've been together since 04 and married since 11. Three DC 10, 7 and 3. Apart from the kids, we just have nothing in common any more. No shared interests at all. Every conversation is dull and repetitive and results in arguments. We don't even watch TV together because our taste is so different. There's no real intimacy. I moved into the spare room about a year ago. I couldn't bear being in the main bedroom any more. My OH has what I suspect is untreated ADHD and to say it's a very bad and unhygienic mess would be accurate. The bed is never made properly, bedding and sheets rarely changed. The onsuite is foul. There is stuff piled everywhere (I think it's called a floordrobe, clean and dirty clothes mixed together). OH just can't bear to throw anything away and churns it all in heaps (there are parts of our house that basically shuttered because of it - it's a big house so we manage).

I keep going in the hope of change. There's no adultery on either side. But I just feel so sad. I've lost respect for OH truth be told and I just think our life together has become really grim. OH has caused real strain on the shared finances as well in the past by comfort spending. One time, all of our accounts were exhausted, and I realised OH had spent £900 eating in cafes and buying things for the kids from overdraft in the prior two weeks.

At the moment I'm finding the lack of intimacy very difficult. I'm having a period where I want that more and really miss having a true partner.

But I always pull back from separating. I worry about the kids and about how OH wouldn't cope (emotionally and financially) and so we trundle on in misery.

I wondered if anyone else is or has had the same, and whether they found a way through it, or if separating was for the best in the long run, and how they found the courage to do it.

I could have written your post word for word @sadabouti
I don't have any answers. Sorry we're in the same boat.

Oh I’m so sorry you’re going though this. You deserve happiness, you do. I think it’s very telling that the reasons you state for pulling back from separation are about other people’s feelings - not your own. Don’t outsource your own happiness. What do you think will make you happier for the next forty years?
And whilst I’m not an expert it does sound like your other half has some mental health issues, possibly sounds a bit bipolar or severe ADHD - the money thing is a dead giveaway. He deserves help too. Can you go seek help together: does he understand that his lack of intimacy, spending and messiness causes you hurt?

@WhereAreWeNow what's your situation? Genuinely interested to hear.

Why did you get together in the first place?

@sellotape12 low self esteem and anxiety are defo in play. Not bipolar though. OH isn't very resilient and struggles to let things wash over and takes things personally. Says to me how upsetting it is that maintaining relationships with people is so hard, and I sit there thinking it's because you blow up at people over tiny things, have difficulty letting go and carry it all forwards, and can be quite unyielding in a sense of having been wronged by others. It's exhausting and confusing for everyone so friends drift away ☹️.

I suspect lots will say it's dead in the water given all you've described but I don't think it has to be. I do think it needs a huge and deliberate pulling together from the two of you as a couple, a big open and honest talk, and lots of grace offered for imperfections while you try to straighten out your relationship. The fact you have a 3 year old suggests you are in/on the way out of a really testing stage of life for any marriage, and not a good one to make life changing decisions during. You're probably both at your worst when in the trenches of small children (I know I was!) and if this is the worst it can be that's not irredeemable. Obviously this will require your husband to be on board and you cannot make that decision for him. Plus it sounds like he will have a lot of stepping up to do to address his own mental health etc. But I would personally want to give him the chance to know how bad things are for you and turn it around. One thing that can be helpful is to write a list of priorities as a couple. What are the most important thingsfor your marriage to work, and work down from there? Then try not to focus on lower things when the higher things haven't been attended to yet.

We met at Uni final year. Different times and we were different people. We had a lot in common back then. I've grown and changed a lot over the years. We've had some bad times, including one of the kids being autistic and having school breakdown. But whereas I've come out of it all humbler and more open, OH has become more angry with life. I have other things going on though like a good career so I have other centres in my life.

@Rodion I just don't think OH has the capacity to change. Is still in denial about the ADHD and can become very angry when I've tried to discuss it. It's really hard because the mindset is that you are attacking and criticising when you are actually supporting and caring ☹️. It's why I worry about what would happen if I left.

Sorry fistbump here too op

Scarily similar situation, think I am adhd too but with better strategies than dh. We kind of prop each other up but I worry for both of us. Neither of us happy though.

We got to the stage we couldn't bear to be in the same room as each other, if he was upstairs, I was down. It took the catalyst of him raping me & trying to burn the house down with me & ds in it to force me to leave. I knew it was over when he was in hospital for 6 weeks, not long before we split, I didn't miss him & actually felt comfortable to be at home without him.

Gosh @Nat6999 that's horrific! I hope he is behind bars.

@sadabouti almost the same as yours word for word. The messiness, the hoarding junk, the being crap with money, the lack of shared interests, the zero sex life (because I just don't feel that way about him anymore), the probable ADHD.
I feel really sad and lonely but I just focus on DD and my job and try not to think about it.
The thing that stops me from ending the relationship is worry about him. Where would he go, how would he cope on his own etc? I know I'm not responsible for him but that's how I feel.

We tried counselling for a while. And all the while we were going things improved, but without someone holding us to account neither of us really tries to do the things that helped. Which was mainly carving time out for each other. We've fallen back into our rut. It just never enters DHs head to try to address any of it and I'm fed up of being the healer.

“I keep hoping things will change”

The only thing that will bring about change for you is taking the bull by the horns and doing something about it.

splitting up is always tough but if you don’t, you will have this for the rest of your life. He won’t change as it’s seem like it’s part of his make up.

It’s not your responsibility to stay with your OH just because you think she won’t cope without you. You have a right to be happy and to live in a peaceful life where you are not walking on eggshells in your own home.

I think it maybe is a test and you need to have a good long conversation, but I don't think it's necessarily the end. Marriage is something you need to work at.
Also why is the main bedroom so bad!? If your OH has issues with changing sheets/cleaning en suite etc why don't you do it!?! They might find it easier to do little bits if they don't have to worry about everything. And I think moving into a different bedroom may not have been the best thing here.
Out of interest is your OH a man or a woman?

OH is female. I am male. OH becomes very upset and angry if I attempt to clean the main bedroom or to process the stuff in there. Likewise the shuttered areas were it's being contained in other parts of the house. I would literally rent a skip and bin it all over a weekend if I could. It's a mild hoarding thing and not straightforward to resolve. There is no violence in the relationship.

It's an accumulation of other things too. We never complete anything in the house. One son had no curtains for 18 months because OH couldn't decide what to get. In the end I ordered some from John Lewis, with underwater theme, he was happy but it caused a row because I'd done it without OH. I think it's the adhd, like the fact of a decision has severed an opportunity, but without any awareness of how limiting the procrastination has become. There are areas like this everywhere. Unfinished and unfinishable. A bit like the marriage.

What @Rodion and others have said is so helpful.
It's clearly a MH breakdown - 3 kids at this age, one with particular needs will be so challenging and she sounds like she's just lost her way.
As the partner thinking straight and parent to these kids you should not be thinking about splitting up the family but holding you all together. Does she want to split up from you? Could you see that as helping her or the kids? Or you? So often separation is a massive trauma that doesn't resolve anything and just leaves everyone feeling lonely and worse overall - the effect on kids is well documented. Obvy lots of scenarios where it helps but this isn't one of them.
Good luck finding her MH support

With you on the unfinished projects!

It's horrible having the insight yet feeling powerless to make the changes needed, and that's because they have to see and want to make the changes themselves. I'd dearly love DH to come in and skip everything and start again!

I don't want intimacy because I don't find living like this attractive. He sees intimacy as the marker of the state of the relationship but doesn't understand, or want to/know how to make me feel alive and happy and want intimacy. (By proactively addressing stuff/getting help and sorting this shit out!). It's stalemate and not for the first time.

We are at least on the same page that's it's not working.

Have you thought about counselling? You would hope on some level your OH might want to look at what issues there are and how they're impacting?

Everyone deserves happiness and to feel loved, if this is how it is then it's time to call it a day, you can't keep being in a relationship with someone because off the kids and because of you worrying about your OH struggling financially and emotionally. Life is too short, I know it sounds awful but you have to be a bit selfish here, I reckon the kids can pick up on it a bit too and you want them too see what a happy and healthy relationship is and they want to see their parents happy even if that's with other people as you both deserve it.

If you want to work things out as you don't want to leave maybe you both need to talk more between you see what the issue is work on it? Maybe spend some more time together like dates and days out together, also do things as a family. Regards to the adhd has your OH been diagnosed with it? If soo maybe do some courses on it and research on adhd and how it affects the individual, if it isn't diagnosed then maybe get to the doctors about it and start from there.

Sorry your feeling this way OP and your in this shitty situation 😔

Great advice from @moonlightwatch.
Do you make time for each other emotionally and as a couple? I do agree that with 3 kids and SEN it must be hugely draining. She's probably feeling her needs aren't being met either. Very common for men to want to look for practical solutions when women just need their feelings heard. Communication is key.

I have 4 children and I'm a single mum with my eldest having adhd and it is hard and draining, he's 14 and he is messy and unhygienic I have to battle him every day to keep up with just daily showering and brushing his teeth and taking his meds. His room is always a state and he lives like a slob plates, cups and rubbish everywhere, he's getting better as I have to approach him in a different way to the others and there are less arguments and massive explosions now, he does have a little moan like 'mum really' and I just say yeah come on won't take long but living with adhd is extremely hard and very draining, I think since he turned 11 up until now were the hardest years for me. There are lots of courses and Info on adhd online that you can do and join and they are very helpful in understanding adhd. OP defo needs to get the OH to the doctors as a diagnosis will really help because it opens doors to lots of help and support too.

You have a child with ASD, that will genetically have come from somewhere, your wife is probably autistic too but functioning at a different level/in a different way - our doctor pointed this out to us when DS was diagnosed. Spiky profile and all that might mean her profile is completely different from your child. Of course quite possible she is AUHD and has both ASD and ADHD.

She says herself how difficult maintaining relationships with other people are - that really is so, so typical of being autistic. Autistic inertia is as much a thing as ADHD procrastination, and hoarding is not uncommon with either condition and can be a way of managing stress and anxiety for autistic people. Money management can be difficult for both. She sounds completely overwhelmed which is probably not surprising with 3 kids who are a mix of NT and ND.

It might be too late/have gone too far to fix this but have you tried sitting down and making decisions together with you suggesting it and then taking the lead. Sometimes decisions can seem overwhelming when there is a huge amount of choice so in the case of the curtains you could say 'I found these 2 pairs of curtains that I thought would be great in DS's room, which do you think is best'. Or alternatively, 'They've got some great curtains in x shop, I'll send you the link to see which you like best', or if all that is still too much choice 'I found these 2 pairs of great curtains, shall we ask ds which he likes best?' It's about finding a way to involve her in the process while not leaving her to wade through an infinite amount of possibilities.

Hoarding is an extremely difficult thing to tackle without professional help I'd say, and a very difficult thing to live with - it only tends to get worse over time without help. Cleanliness is often not a priority for an autistic person, I have plenty of experience there! Cleaning is about the most boring thing ever and something I do the very, very minimum of, I just don't care about it. Nobody died from not changing their duvet often enough - but I appreciate other people feel differently. If you're sleeping in another room then I guess you change and wash the sheets from there - so why not just change the bed in the main bedroom yourself if that's the issue? Maybe the hoarding in there is the problem too though.

The problem here is your OH doesn't have the capacity to change easily, her ASD/ADHD holds her in these patterns and change is likely to be slow and difficult. Greatly reducing her stress and anxiety is likely to help though - through meds/lifestyle changes/emotional support. You would need to work much more around her, try to learn and understand why she does what she does and find ways to work together that work for her. It's going to need a lot of patience, understanding, selflessness and a real want to make things work though and I think you're probably not going to want to do that at this stage as you sound pretty unhappy and distant from her - which is fair enough. If she won't seek any help with her MH, and her hoarding then life is likely to always be a struggle - and you leaving may well cause her to spiral. That doesn't mean you should be forced to stay of course but you need to be aware for the sake of the kids future. I'm sorry you're in this very difficult, messy situation.

So, our son has a diagnosis adhd and asd. Demand avoidant, so low demand parenting techniques. I have to dress him and brush his teeth. He can do it, but won't unless prompted. You walk the razor's edge to keep him regulated. It's like a battery with a charging misfunction. It will overcharge or under charge unless you monitor constantly. I have to be the emotional regulator for him. I'm not perfect, and maybe use devices too much, but he is most relaxed when with me.

With OH, there comes a point in adult life where you have to take control of your own MH. You can't do it for another person and it will break you trying. Unless the person accepts the problem and embraces treatment and personal change, it doesn't happen. It's a bit like a weird addiction to self-pity and drama, and I speak as someone who has overcome several bouts of depression in my own life.

It's been years now of me trying to encourage OH to get help. But she just finds it too hard, improves for a short while because we've hard some form of catharsis in the relationship, and then spirals down again ☹️.

I must love her to keep going on. But I'm also loyal you see. I have a need to look after and protect those around me, and yes I realise it is probably enabling some of it because the fact I'm there prevents total crash.