How do you accept it's over when you know it's over?

[sadabouti]

We've been together since 04 and married since 11. Three DC 10, 7 and 3. Apart from the kids, we just have nothing in common any more. No shared interests at all. Every conversation is dull and repetitive and results in arguments. We don't even watch TV together because our taste is so different. There's no real intimacy. I moved into the spare room about a year ago. I couldn't bear being in the main bedroom any more. My OH has what I suspect is untreated ADHD and to say it's a very bad and unhygienic mess would be accurate. The bed is never made properly, bedding and sheets rarely changed. The onsuite is foul. There is stuff piled everywhere (I think it's called a floordrobe, clean and dirty clothes mixed together). OH just can't bear to throw anything away and churns it all in heaps (there are parts of our house that basically shuttered because of it - it's a big house so we manage).

I keep going in the hope of change. There's no adultery on either side. But I just feel so sad. I've lost respect for OH truth be told and I just think our life together has become really grim. OH has caused real strain on the shared finances as well in the past by comfort spending. One time, all of our accounts were exhausted, and I realised OH had spent £900 eating in cafes and buying things for the kids from overdraft in the prior two weeks.

At the moment I'm finding the lack of intimacy very difficult. I'm having a period where I want that more and really miss having a true partner.

But I always pull back from separating. I worry about the kids and about how OH wouldn't cope (emotionally and financially) and so we trundle on in misery.

I wondered if anyone else is or has had the same, and whether they found a way through it, or if separating was for the best in the long run, and how they found the courage to do it.

OP my ex was like this..unclean... messy..unhygienic...blase...never put effort in anything etc. i did EVERYTHING...worked...cleaning... cooking...food shopping... emotional labour..all the planning...i did all diy..fixing stuff... decorating etc. i was worn down with it. We also had adhd and avoidance personality with child we had few days week.. it was all overwhelming...was all left to me..the ex added to work load. I think he was ADD. I also let him stay for a long long time after we split...it was damaging...me not him. He promised many times to change.. lasted few days tops. If i had my time again..i would have left well before i did. Id advise you to do the same. I realised it was over when there was only ever me doing the hard work.

Just to be fair. OH isn't personally unhygienic, she's just terribly inefficient and wastes time unproductively. She can and will spend a whole day "cleaning" for things to look worse or the same at the end.

She'll hyperfocus on one area of the main bedroom, clear the floor there, hover dust and polish. But without having cleared the adjacent area, and having dumped all the stuff she has moved on the furniture (thus unusable). She then runs out of steam. And the next time, churns the stuff she has moved back into the area she "cleaned" to open up the space she has cluttered. And around it goes with no insight into why the house is a disaster zone, or what we could do to make it easier to manage (declutter).

She used to stack things up the stairs "in transit" between floors and then forget about them. All sorts. Toys, canisters for the bathroom, magazines, clothes. I nearly broke my ankles twice tripping or losing my footing on things and falling (it hurt) had to threaten divorce in anger to get her to stop creating such an obvious hazard. That took 18 months alone to change.

I think heading to couples counselling might be a good idea. Whatever happens in your relationship, you and OH will always need to address these issues and for your dc's sake, improved communication around this will help. Joint counselling might be the catalyst for your OH to start facing the issues...

That's where DH and I are now. Things aren't great, but they are improved, enough for me to know if we do split we're in a better place than we were.

No I reported the rape but after investigating the CPS didn't take the case to court

That's worthy of a whole thread of your own @Nat6999 I hope you've got lots of support

Op I find decision making horrendous particularly if I'm given multiple choices.

If I make a decision and another option is offered I breakdown. Was my decision wrong? It’s must be wrong otherwise they wouldn’t have given a third. If they preferred the third option why didn’t they say initially? Why is it always me making the decisions?

Life admin- I get overwhelmed. I get someone round (eg parent for a cuppa) they say in an hour should we get those forms done. That can work well.

Dad visits and offers something specific to help with (OR just starts doing it) eg hanging out the washing and I usually feel guilty that I hadn’t done it myself and get up and help.

Whatever we do though, they recognise that I need to stop regularly for breaks aka cup of tea, cuddle the cat! Then 15 min later the next thing might be suggested but with an offer to leave me alone if I’d rather stop.

Generally works well. When it still gets too much and I burst into tears, they ask if I want a hug, not just assume.

It’s May not help but there could be ideas that you could try?

Me too! Going through it right now. Years of thinking about it, spent last year dropping significant hints and was very blunt at times, then a year on, finally called time. I think you just know. It's sad thinking about what could have been, but we change as we get older and are certainly no longer the same as we were 20 years ago. Some couples change and evolve together, some drift apart. Accepting the latter is the first step. As for the children, children are so adaptable. And I think they pick up on lack of connection between parents. When we told our children, the oldest actually said he was relieved. Not because he's growing up with parents fighting, he had just realized we didn't make each other happy. Happy parents = happy children and all that. I'm hoping by being brave and now waiting it out til the kids have left home will have limited the build up of resentment and that we'll be able to co-parent amicably... not sure if any of that helps, but rest assured you're not alone x

So, yesterday, OH late for work. Forget youngest shoes and had to turn back home during school/nursey run. Manager caught her coming in late. Cue argument with manager when asked to make up the time 🙄. She told her manager that she'd work to rule in future if she insisted on it 👀

Obvs regrets that now because she's woken me at 3.30am to as anxious and not sleeping about not been on top of anything. I mean, I'm happy to have that talk, but at 3.30am - no? I have work in the morning. This is my point though, we are totally codependent (and it's crushing me). I know she needs help but now I'm going to be sleep deprived tomorrow. I can't get back to sleep. ☹️

Can you have a talk with her parents about this? See if they had any concerns when she was younger? Maybe they can help too?

@moonlightwatch not really. Her dad has poor coping skills and frailty. He worked into his seventies had a stroke and is (in my view) sadly in the foothills of vascular dementia. He is probably ADHD, still cannot bear stillness, over exerts himself and has always been easily stressed. Her mum was a SAHM and managed the finance well, but has self esteem issues and can be a bit of an inverted snob / judgmental as a result. They are both loving and did/do their best but not people to turn to in a crisis. They go into headless chicken mode.

I realise that this is a factor in OH's own MH and difficulty seeking help with her undiagnosed ADHD.

My own dad can be well intentioned but overbearing and difficult to manage. He was the unspoken boss in my family. Not authoritarian, but would just strike out with spontaneous decisions affecting everybody, not communicate this, and then expect everyone to go with it. So he and OH have a tricky relationship because she cannot handle that.

And then there is me. In the middle of it all, literally as I'm now middle aged, having attained a level of personal self awareness about my own foibles (I am not perfect) and serving as mediator, facilitator, conciliator, and action man to keep the show on the road. It's exhausting.

It is exhausting. I guess you have to weigh up whether you want to try to fix things (even if you can't see how right now) or call it a day.

Fixing things means her getting professional support, either on her own, or with you in couple's counselling. If she is reluctant, then counselling for yourself while you navigate this might also help you find space for your own thoughts and feelings, as well as support for whatever decision you make.

Sounds like your robot is malfunctioning.