Does my ex genuinely have narcissistic personality disorder?

[Confused1232]

I will list out things I encountered with her, I feel like I’m emotionally drained and just wanted clarity. Im no expert on the type of traits these people have but done a bit of reading over the last few days.

1 - Started talking sexual within the first day or two of speaking. “Addicted to porn” was the thing she said which i thought was odd for a woman to say so soon.

2.caught her texting to an ex while at my house. His message said “we should stop speaking now you have a partner” she said they are just friends

3.never knew where i stood, some days would fly off the handle at any little thing, it could be as simple as me saying I had an headache. Would start calling me negative etc

4.would repeatedly call me insecure and that i always accuse her, although she was exactly that. I recall one day she told me never to speak to her again because she saw i wasnt at home on the location sharing. I was at my daughters dance show. She never even apologised for that.

5.constantly had to have her phone in her hand looking at herself pouting through the camera, not even taking selfies just with the camera open. Im talking 30/40 times a day.

6.caught her messaging a different ex on three occasions, this ex is what i believe the “main supply” to be. On and off 6/7 years with the likes of me being the mini relationship.

7.told me he stalks her and drives past her house and calls and emails, which to be fair was also true. However she unblocked and messaged numerous times and the 3rd time i made her go home and didnt speak to her the next day until i got a message…..

8.after ignoring her she sent me a printscreen of her on the phone to the police, she was reporting him for stalking. I foolishly believed her and went to the police station with her

9.just 2 week later i stayed at her house and found a condom wrapper in her drawer that was still oily, i asked her civilised when it was from and she went absolutely crazy and called me out for “accusing again” i went home and she blocked me after failing to get a response from me

10.that night i went through to her house to find her “main supply” was there and theyve decided to get back together. Despite both families trying to stop it as being “toxic” his family also warned me away during the relationship calling her “poison”

11.i have her now blocked but everything was blamed on me. Repeatedly telling me she never cheated but how the accusations forced her into this situation. Also saying she feels like killing herself?

is this a true narcissist? Or is it a form of personality disorder? Its the first time ive had a relationship with someone like this so apologies if i am mistaken

Does it matter?

Firstly, no one on here can diagnose a personality disorder. Although you'll get a lot of people saying she does because a lot of people on here like the sound of their own armchair diagnoses.

Secondly, the real question is why are you boundaries so poor that you started a relationship with this person in the first place and why you didn't end it sooner?

This isn't a case of someone becoming abusive once the relationship was established. This was a case of you ignoring the warning signs that were present before you'd even met.

We are all responsible for our own actions. You included.

it matters to me yes, i feel an idiot and mentally exhausted. Constantly questioning my own doings when everyone around me is telling me its not my fault. I also feel sorry for her which is fkin stupid.

with regards to the boundaries, should have ended it sooner yes. First person to show interest since my childrens mother of 9 years left so probably a factor

Sounds like she was still in love with her ex and you were just something to fill the time with .

It doesn't sound like a disorder more that you were into her a lot more into her then she was into you .

I would ask why do you need a diagnosis for their behaviour and not yours - most people would have left earlier .

You are obviously vulnerable in someway to this

i know i fell for the bshit, a week ago telling me she loves me more than she’s ever loved anyone. Sending me links to engagement rings after 3 months which is ridiculous .telling me he makes her feel sick. She called the day after getting back with her ex on no caller ID telling me she feels like killing herself and crashing the car. I dont know why i im looking for answers its done with, I think i just want an excuse to believe she can be a good person and its not her fault.

Hi confused - your partner was an emotional mess and not emotionally fit or healthy to have any form of relationship. It was not you. I suppose the only thing I’d say is why you didn’t get out quicker. Keep blocked as these types of people really mess you up emotionally- hence you questioning your self and feeling responsible. It was ALL about THEM and that’s not healthy. 🌺take care

If I was going to diagnose anything it would be that they were obsessed with their ex, rather than particularly NPD (and not seeing most of that behaviour as NPD, tbh).

They were not a nice person and you are better off without them. They don't need to have a personality disorder.

it matters to me yes, i feel an idiot and mentally exhausted. Constantly questioning my own doings when everyone around me is telling me its not my fault. I also feel sorry for her which is fkin stupid.

But it can both be true that her behaviour wasn't your fault. And also that you should be reflecting on your part in it.

It doesn't matter to you whether she has npd or not and, most obviously, you'll never know. The reasons for her behaviour are her reasons. The reasons you put up with it are yours.

Eg if you approached a chimpanzee and it ripped your arm off, what is going to he more useful to you in the future? Understanding why a chimpanzee might be motivated to rip a human's arm off? Or understanding why you approached it in the first place?

with regards to the boundaries, should have ended it sooner yes. First person to show interest since my childrens mother of 9 years left so probably a factor

This is the bit you need to focus on. Not why your ex behaved I the way she did. Focus on yourself. Not her.

I like that analogy, I feel better today than I did yesterday and its only been a few days. Just got to focus on sorting my own head out and figure out why I let it carry on as long as it did

I guess that's just what I needed to hear. Never really met someone like that before and so many brand people narcissist's these days I dont know what is and what isn't! I know it don't matter in the grand scheme of things but its something to watch out for going forward

Doesn’t matter. What matters is why you continued the relationship when there were ‘red flags’. Wouldn’t date again until you’ve worked on that.

People with NPD desperately want to be liked and look good. They tend to start off by putting you on a pedestal, love bombing you and thinking you're perfect and then when you're not (as no one is) they slowly start to resent and despise you and you become the scape goat. They are never to blame for anything and you think the problem must be you because they lie and gas light you so convincingly and the whole of the outside world think they're nice people. They have huge issues with rejection and would never ever want you to leave them, even when they despise you. They don't have any genuine personality, they try to be what they think people want them to be, like a chameleon.

It doesn't sound like this relationship went on long enough to guess if she has NPD, but it sounds like she was just using you so who needs to know more than that? Next time if you think something is really off after the first day or two see it as a huge red flag and put a stop to it.

Could be a personality disorder, mental health, or no mental health issues whatsoever and very manipulative

Regardless - do you want to be with someone who you can't trust and who gets excessively angry and irrational? It's not health and can't work

They walk amongst us. Labelling it doesn't make it easier to experience, use this as a learning curve and next time you encounter someone similar steer clear.

It doesn't have to be a personality disorder because you don't like the way you were treated.

it probably isn't

Its quite clear that she has issues. The messaging exes. Victim mentality. Blocking. Back with ex. The condom wrapper. Considering its to put over a mans willy to protect i understand you wanted to ask. But it seems like anytime you needed reassurance you were denied it.

Ive dated normal people and dated a "liar" who came across "toxic" because he was toxic! He lied about money. Messaged his ex. Messaged other women. Had major mood swings and was impossible to talk to. I remember feeling so flat in his company because he literally robbed me of my peace. This is what she has done.

Many people look narcisstic. Addicts can look like NPD because they lie and are selfish and live in their own bubble and neglect others and steal and borrow and loose interest in their partners and no longer function. They become nasty and unpredictable.

There are also so many mean shitty people in the world who cheat and lie and want more than they can.

You got so attached because of her victim mentality and the highs and lows have you anxious so when shes happy you gaslight yourself into thinking ahhh her nice side that makes it worth it. This is why i stay because we are strong really.

I think shes a head fuck and i hope you stay removed from her toxicity. If shes back with her ex why message you suicidal messages.

I remember little things now i've a clearer head, sat in a beer garden once and she scowled at me and said "ergh ive never seen you this up close before" despite been together a couple of months and seen eachother 3/4 times a week. Made me feel shit.

Once made a joke and she just started whacking me in the arm while laughing, but it wasn't like tippy tap she proper went for it. Then when I said dont ever do that again she said what I barely touched you haha.

Used to call me a beg whenever I put a post or anything on social media and get really funny about it calling me an attention seeker. She was 10x more active than me on every platform but I didn't see it as a problem. Every situation was double standards.

There's loads, I know she takes propanol for anxiety and depression daily.

Why do I still miss and care about this person? I just want her to be better. Infront of others, especially my children she was perfect.

I understand. Its the way they mess with your head. In more technical terms the chemicals get altered due to all the stress they cause. Anxiety and confusion. I would get silent treatments and digs about social media too but he was on zoosk. Then when they give you some niceness, a lovely message or some rare sex you get a tiny break in the bad feelings. I guess its like a band aid over a massive wound, but band aids peel and fall off then the wound is exposed again. Back comes the anxiety hurt etc.

He did the full works to hurt me. Cheated. Lied. Borrowed and never returned. Triangulated me. Put me down about my hair, clothes etc because he wanted me to have the same stuff and style as his ex. Hed throw me out and deny me a conversation. Id then be tortured with silence or hed scream at me then hang up so i could barely talk about any issues. It becomes a trauma.

Everything you wrote is very triggering as it is exactly how it is.

It's impossible for anyone other than a pysch to diagnose NPD in a person, and there are not a huge number of them out there that really understand NPD enough to do so.

Sometimes it can take months.

Regardless, what I learned was to focus on the behaviours. That's what is important, not getting "confirmation".

It's almost as though if you have the confirmation, you can be at peace, and i totally get that. I have no idea if my ex has NPD or not, but what I do know is that his behaviour towards me was extremely harmful and it made me extremely unwell in every way possible.

Focus on behaviours. What are they doing? How is it affecting you? Needless to say... this one is not a good catch. She could have any type of cluster b disorder, certainly sounds it. It could be BPD, but you'll probably never know. Just stay away from people like this.

It's awful when you have been awfully treated by someone who has put you down and you then spend so long trying to work out why they treated you this way. You want to look at the good in her because just seeing her for what she is means you accepting that you were totally used and abused by that person, essentially a 'victim'. Responses here are correct which ask you does it matter whether she's a narcissist or not? Even if everyone said 'yes she's a narcissist' then you would feel worse for being targeted by one and wonder why. Unfortunately for that while she found an easy target to mistreat, and put you down to assert her own dominance because she doesn't have any in her other relationship. It does sound like she has narcissistic traits, many have been the victims of one, but don't continue analysing her and just be thankful you are well rid.

Why do people have to have a label for someone's poor behaviour?

Why can't they accept that the person was awful to them and may just be a horrible person?

We are qualified on here to tell you shes a (insert a swearword of choice).
The most important thing i learned from all the chaos inside my brain was people dont change really and peoples personalities remain the same at the core. So if shes comfortbale saying the stuff she has and behaving the way she has then she is not going to be capable of behaving in a plesant manner with any future people. The man i mentioned is 51 now. 51 and his life is a shambles. Genuinely is. He had a marriage that was volitile. They were both toxic. A girlfriend after that ended in so much drama. She slept with someone else so he slept with her mate. The girlfriend before me was clearly top notch and and he cheated on her. Borrowed and became an alcoholic. She remained in contact with him for 2 years of our relationship. Then along came me. So 4 relationships as an adult and a massive fail they all were.

I think i just want an excuse to believe she can be a good person and its not her fault

This is the mindset that kept you involved. You'll look past anything, including abuse, in order to forgive, and not 'break the love'. It's not her you need to be figuring out here, it's you.

Where did you learn that love was something you got when you endured hardship within the relationship? It's often our mothers... distracted or neglectful or hurtful or ill or busy or... what was your mother like when you were a kid?

Because humans don't like having and overhanging 'Why?' in their mind, and the way that we're treated by our partners is a massive concern for many of us, especially those who were raised without an understanding of boundaries.

It's often the case that a parent was horrible to them sometimes, and loving at other times. So, if they 'did the right thing', they received expressions of love. When they grow up, they try to 'do the right thing' in relationships, and sometimes receive expressions of love. The idea of receiving love consistently, just by being yourself, doesn't occur. And if a relationship ends, you have 2 options for certainty: 1, it was your fault. You 'did it wrong', and 2, they have a diagnosable condition.

If you can manage to get '2', you have both absolved yourself of blame, and avoided a critical opinion of the other person (i.e. 'getting it wrong')

You many not have had that sort of upbringing, so it may be hard to understand. But many will recognise it, because it's common.

So, her and her ex she left me for have fallen out. Now she's texting me saying she didn't realise how good it was with me and how nice I was to her. I have met with her like an idiot, am I making a mistake?