Sexless relationship - Divorce in my head

[kentlad]

Okay - I know i may get judged as these things usually go but I hope you can chip in with your thoughts. YES, sex isn't all there is to a relationship but It is a great part(for many of us)

I met my wife 3 years ago and we spoke online for a while before meeting, sex was discussed etc and we seemed to be on the same page.
We met, started to be intimate and it appeared the sex talk was all just talk on her part, she has very low sex drive compared to me.

Anyway, I credited the low drive to us just learning each other etc so I gave it a chace and she got pregnant eventually and It played a part in me deciding to continue although i was already questioning it as we were not sexually matched. Sex was once a week atleast and sex pleasure for the rest of the days.

Now baby is here, I expected that it would be low obviously as she is breastfeeding etc. but she said its because she wanted to have contraception first, now that was done and she then decided no it won't be a good idea because it would affect her mental state then reasoning now is because the baby is in the house/room, she is tired, I should be affectionate in the day blah blah(i am at work all damn day). I tried to listen and fix whatever the issue given is but no change.

Anyway now it has happened the other day only after I brought up the topic which obviously made me feel like she only did it because I brought up that it is an issue for me.

In the long run, I would likely not want to stay in a sexless relationship which pretty much means I would leave the relationship. I feel bad because I own the home, I support us all financially also. I do not want to cheat, and I do not want sex when feels like she is only do it because I said something.

Has anyone gone through this, what am I to do, what does one do? I would like to hear from you mumsnet crowd.

You can leave a relationship for whatever reason you like. But you’re married so the house is a shared asset and you’ll have to pay child maintenance - you don’t get to walk away from those responsibilities.

if you’re asking for permission to cheat because you’re divorced ‘in your head’, then no. Don’t be an arse. Separate properly and fairly.

(I have Opinions on how you’re behaving towards your poor wife who has only recently had a baby, but I sense that you aren’t going to suddenly become considerate and just want out - there is absolutely no indication that you love her or care for her in anything you’ve written - so I’m not wasting my breath.)

you clearly don’t love or value her

Pretty much what @GoingRoundThatBlockAgain said.

Sex often suffers after babies, life is a long game and if it doesn't take much to make you throw in the towel then there probably wasn't much holding you together in the first place.

I've been with DH for 22 years and kids are 12&14... Things are great sexually... We've had times when they weren't... The reason that's past tense is because we both cared for each other and solved it in a listen to each other and work together way... Not in a pressure and performance is required or I'm out way.

So you clock of work after she has had the baby all day and probably all night and want a divorce because she is tired and doesn't want sex ? Also birth is traumatic did she have stitches etc sex would be somewhat scary after that and the last thing on her mind. Do you pull your weight around the house ? Cleaning ? Night feeds ? A baby is a full time job the sleep deprivation alone knocks you for six so you going to work during the day is no excuse not to help her. I don't blame her not being interested if she has a baby 24/7 and I'm presuming little to no help. If I was her I'd leave you not the other way around you sound awful, you clearly value sex above all else and don't seem to have any empathy let alone any love for her the poor woman.

OP you've created a bit of a mess here. You knew from early on in the relationship that you had mismatched sex drives yet you continued the relationship and didn't use contraception. Then you got married.

Unsurprisingly you're now in a marriage with someone with a low sex drive. Your sex life is unlikely to get better because it's always been mismatched.

You can choose to stay in the marriage or find another relationship where you're better matched.

Being affectionate during the day is blah blah?
Righto then.
Useless twat territory it is.

Why did you stay with her and have a baby with her? You already knew your sex drives were mismatched. What did you think was going to happen?

What should you do now? Well, you have some options
a) learn to live willingly with much less sex
b) you carry on nagging her for sex and she hates living with a sex pest and you know she only has sex with you because she has to for a roof over her head and food in her mouth and you are both miserable
c) you find sex elsewhere
d) or you divorce.

I suspect you can’t do a), b) is the most miserable option, c) is the nastiest option and will lead to acrimonious divorce eventually. So d), divorce.

What does one do? Stop being so selfish. Everything in your post is me me me. What can I do to get more sex, all the changes you've made are just to get more sex. Then when she gives in to pressure from you and has sex that's still not good enough for you.

I really feel for her - she's been through a life changing experience and breastfeeding makes some women feel like their body is not their own. Just to go a few hours without being touched by anyone can be so important for mental health if the baby is feeding a lot. On top of this her husband is thinking of leaving because she's not putting out enough.

Also, once a week is low sex drive??? It's entirely normal for a large proportion of people, you might want to think about your expectations, especially in a long-term relationship. If you think a woman is going to be up for it every day years into a relationship then you are likely to be disappointed in any relationship you enter into.

"house is a shared asset". The law says otherwise, I have owned the home a decade before married, prenup says otherwise.

sorry but why cant it be me me me when it comes to putting one's needs first? would you continue if you aren't happy? for whatever need you may have, emotional needs etc. whatever it maybe in your case

Oh you're a real treat, I wonder why she doesn't want to have sex with you?
Where are you OP because prenups don't stand up in England

what a delight you are....not! doesnt sound one bit like you are loving or supportive of your wife,so you would be doing her a favour by leaving and hopefully, eventually she'll meet someone who really values and loves her

Yet another man coming onto a predominantly female forum, expecting us to tell him how to make his wife have more sex with him

If your username reflects your location, any prenup you've signed will hold no legal weight

Please try to show some empathy to your wife and imagine things from her position. She is physically and mentally exhausted and does not want an extra job of making sure you have the sex you want. Of course sex is an important part of a marriage, and mismatched libidos spell trouble long term, but just after childbirth is a time when your sex drive needs to go to the back of the queue and you need to make things as easy and as stress-free as possible, because I promise you if you make things worse for her in this emotional, difficult and highly meaningful to her time, she will remember it for the rest of your life, and not in a good way either

Surely this is a joke? If not, try pushing a watermelon out of your urethra, not being able to sleep to recover, then have someone nagging at you for sex. Here's an idea: take the baby, give her time to herself, do your share, give her loving affection without expectation and then see where you are.

The drip feed does nothing to persuade me that you didn’t actually despise your wife before you married her and, for some unfathomable reason, had a child with her. You are just a common or garden wanker, after all.

Now baby is here, I expected that it would be low obviously as she is breastfeeding etc.

It's a bit more than breastfeeding. The "etc" sounds like you don't quite realise what other baby related tasks she has to do.
It's exhausting. Sex will be the last thing on her mind.

My DH didn't get any sex for ages but he still held my hand, hugged me and told me I was beautiful. He helped me. Sure he couldn't breastfeed but he could still do chores. The sex picked back up later on and even now they're older it can be hard to get time. Last month we joked it was only once and we do what we can to talk about it and make things better. Some months are better than others.

How often are you currently having sex and how old is your baby?

Pre-nups are NOT legally binding in the UK and if the house has been lived in as the marital home, it becomes a marital asset no matter when it was bought.

You were very silly indeed to get into a relationship including the commitment of bringing a child into the world with someone with whom you were not sexually compatible. You felt it from the start but went ahead anyway for unfathomnable reasons.

Do everything in your power to be a good husband. Do as much possible around the house, do child care, be kind and loving, and be patient. Forget sex for a while. Then, in a year's time, think again.

OP, what do you do, when you're not at work all damn day, to make yourself emotionally appealing and sexually attractive to your wife? What do you do to mentally turn her on? What do you do to help her get out of 'mum mentality' into 'woman mentality'?

You're brave coming on here lol.
Sex is important but trust me when i say whatever relationship you get into and have a baby this is normal. You might be tired from work but don't dismiss the fact that your wife is exhausted, not feeling sexy at the moment and you keeping on about it won't help, it'll just put pressure on her.

Love really is more important and also showing it, I wouldn't just base it on sex as one day your drive might go as it can even in men. You can find closeness in other ways.

Is she breastfeeding? I’ve always been quite sexual but I can tell you honestly I have zero interest in having sex. I don’t masturbate, nothing, I am sexless. If you told me I’d never orgasm again I’d shrug. I’M SERIOUS. I’ve been breastfeeding or pregnant since summer 2021. You need to understand the problem but I guess I offer my experience to give you some balance. I’m hoping to get bk to a decent sex life soon 🤞