Sexless relationship - Divorce in my head

[kentlad]

Okay - I know i may get judged as these things usually go but I hope you can chip in with your thoughts. YES, sex isn't all there is to a relationship but It is a great part(for many of us)

I met my wife 3 years ago and we spoke online for a while before meeting, sex was discussed etc and we seemed to be on the same page.
We met, started to be intimate and it appeared the sex talk was all just talk on her part, she has very low sex drive compared to me.

Anyway, I credited the low drive to us just learning each other etc so I gave it a chace and she got pregnant eventually and It played a part in me deciding to continue although i was already questioning it as we were not sexually matched. Sex was once a week atleast and sex pleasure for the rest of the days.

Now baby is here, I expected that it would be low obviously as she is breastfeeding etc. but she said its because she wanted to have contraception first, now that was done and she then decided no it won't be a good idea because it would affect her mental state then reasoning now is because the baby is in the house/room, she is tired, I should be affectionate in the day blah blah(i am at work all damn day). I tried to listen and fix whatever the issue given is but no change.

Anyway now it has happened the other day only after I brought up the topic which obviously made me feel like she only did it because I brought up that it is an issue for me.

In the long run, I would likely not want to stay in a sexless relationship which pretty much means I would leave the relationship. I feel bad because I own the home, I support us all financially also. I do not want to cheat, and I do not want sex when feels like she is only do it because I said something.

Has anyone gone through this, what am I to do, what does one do? I would like to hear from you mumsnet crowd.

I've been there! Breastfeeding is draining isn't it and when you've got a baby hanging off your boob it's hard to feel sexy isn't it.

It’s an incredibly effective contraceptive, ill say that 😂

Oh yes 🤣

I should be affectionate in the day blah blah(i am at work all damn day). I tried to listen and fix whatever the issue given is but no change.

You're clearly not listening. Blah blah.

Should you decide to try to remain in a relationship with the woman you married despite knowing full well you were sexually mismatched, and the woman you then went on to have a baby with, the answer lies here.

You are not listening to her. She feels you are showing her no affection other than when you want sex. She is touched out and exhausted and her life has been turned upside down, and you are just another job on her list of things to do. She's not a receptacle, she's a whole human. Treat her as such and you might just be suprised.

Why are people saying the lack of sex is because of the baby? It’s very clear they were completely mismatched long before that. They were mad to get married.

Also not sure why the prenup is considered worthless, it’s not something I know anything about but women on here have often been advised to get them and that they are worth having in the U.K. now.

OP, you’re not happy, it sounds like you’re considering cheating, she’s either happy with the status quo while you’re not or she’s as miserable. Chalk it up to experience, be more cautious and realistic in your next relationship and spare yourselves years of unhappiness.

Aren't you a Prince.

Why did you marry someone with a mismatched libido? Why did you have sex without contraception when you weren't happy with her? Do you always make such incredibly poor decisions? Do you always think with your dick? Don't you care about her and your child more than you care about getting laid?

Oh and according to these solicitors she will have a claim on the house:
'Everything will depend on your individual circumstances. If a house owned by one person prior to the marriage is lived in as your marital home, this will usually be treated as a matrimonial asset, although that does not necessarily mean it would be divided equally.'
They are likely to take into consideration that she had your baby and is financially dependent on you as well, I'd assume.

Do her a huge favour and divorce her as you sound like an arse. Hopefully she'll get a good chunk of your assets.

Anyway now it has happened the other day only after I brought up the topic which obviously made me feel like she only did it because I brought up that it is an issue for me.

The only way sex EVER happens is because someone brings up the topic!!

Are you saying she did it when she did not want to - there's a word for that........

So where do you want your baby to live?
Surely you want to help your dc’s mother to put a roof over your dc’s head even if it means giving up half the house.
And there’s nursery fees.
Presumably you’ll pay half.

Divorce her then. You can leave your marriage at any point. The no sex didn’t happen because of your child it started before and you still stayed. Was your child an accident by any chance? Either way if you aren’t happy then leave but make sure you pay your way for your child.

Op reading between the lines, it sounds like you're missing the difference between sex and intimacy? What you need to do is work on the intimacy and safety for her before you move on to the sex side of things.

She's just had a baby, she's probably feeling vulnerable, overwhelmed, exhausted, hormones are probably affecting libido, and she's had lots of changes to her body to adjust to. It's a lot and I don't think many partners fully understand. One of the hard bits I found was the sudden lack of intimacy with dh. All of a sudden this new little person is your everything because they depend on you for everything, and its suddenly really hard to find time and energy and mental space to be affectionate, to have date nights, to feel even like you've anything to talk about outside of home and baby. Many women need that intimacy aspect to be in order before they can connect sexually.

So my advice is try to meet her needs more, plan a date night and arrange a babysitter, make a point of being more affectionate during the day (with no expectations that it'll lead to anything else) hug, kiss, tell her you love her that she looks great affirm what she's doing etc and try to make a point of having quality time together and make sure you make time for her to have alone time every week to clear her head. If you can get that part in order then after a few months you can move on to the sexual side but I'd be following her pace on that. After someone has a baby they have to set the pace because of recovery. It's your job to stand by her and have her back 100% here and show her that she is loved. You asked why you can't be me me me about getting your needs met - because being me me me in a relationship is going to end it. It's ok to have needs, but they have to be in balance with your partners needs, both are equally important.

Well if you split up you will need to start working part time, as you will have your baby for half the time . So why don’t you reduce your working time and your hobbies right now and spend your time with your wife and baby. That way you might fix your broken marriage.

Sex is overrated. Find a new hobby instead.

This.

You got into a relationship and later married her knowing full well that your sex drives differed, you had unprotected sex with her knowing that a baby takes your relationship to another level of commitment, she's had a baby and is presumably still in the fairly early stages of parenthood, a stage widely renowned for resulting in an absolute nosedive in sexual desire and you're moaning about lack of sex NOW?

And even when your wife makes the effort because she understands it's important to you, that's not good enough and you want her to be gagging for it?

And you're considering leaving her with a tiny baby because you're not getting laid enough right now despite knowing full well you've already pre-nupped her out of having a secure home?

sorry but why cant it be me me me when it comes to putting one's needs first? would you continue if you aren't happy? for whatever need you may have, emotional needs etc. whatever it maybe in your case

What did you say in your marriage vows, exactly? What did you think they meant when you made them? How long ago did you even make them, given you've only been together for three years?

You should definitely leave her. Divorce is the best answer here. She’ll be so much better without you.

This.For her sake leave, she 100% needs better.

You were never going to get reasonable replies about this on MN OP. Here, sex is not allowed to be important to men and if it is then it makes them shallow arseholes.

You’re not happy in your relationship and you don’t think it’s going to get better, so you are free to end it. You are incompatible long term if you have vastly different sex drives so if you don’t end it now, you will end up having an affair and causing more hurt.

Your poor wife. You sound awful.

You both got married, had a child. You have a duty to each other to try & make it work, more than you are! 3 years!! 🤦‍♀️

I'm not sure you quite understand the impact having a baby can have on a lot of women

You need to be a lot more understanding. You need to have intimacy for sex.

Are you loving, supportive and caring? Are you giving her a break from the baby when you get home from work? What support do you give her?

No, he does. He just doesn't care.

Sex once a week and ‘ sexual pleasure’ on other days is not a low sex drive. It doesn’t sound as though you love or even like your wife.