Feeling numb after lovely date

[pancakesallday]

I went on a first date today. He was lovely and attractive. Kind, respectful, smart. I think I fancied him.

My most recent ex hurt me so badly, I can't feel anything. I wasn't excited about meeting this guy today or about a potential second date. I'm numb.

What do I do? I feel so empty.

You’re not ready to date yet and need more time to heal.

Don't put pressure on yourself. How long ago did your relationship end?

How long since you split from your ex? Maybe give yourself more time?

Gosh, is this numbness extended to everything else like in a depression or just about dating? The obvious is to ask if you had therapy and whether you should date at all as i feel it's wrong to waste people's time when you aren't in the mindframe to pursue something. How long ago was the break up?

Breakup was 2 months ago, a 6 month old relationship.

I don't feel depressed in other areas of my life.

I haven't had therapy. It was a relatively short relationship and I didn't realise it would affect me so deeply.

OP, do you think you really feel ready to date again?

Don't beat yourself up, you're probably not ready yet or he wasn't the right person for right now

I often feel like this after a date. It has to do with previous trauma. Usually within a few days I start feeling something. So if I were you, I would wait and see how you feel in a few days' time. If you enjoyed the date, then why not go on another one? It may also be that you need some time for feelings to grow.

Just be honest with him. Tell him you really enjoyed his company but aren't ready to date yet. Ask if you can get in contact when you're more ready. Obviously he might have met someone else by then, but he might not.

That’s really soon to date if the relationship (no matter how long, sometimes the short intense ones hurt more than the long ones you just grow out of) effected you deeply.

How would you feel about telling this guy that? Or maybe, even with those boxes he ticked, you just didn’t feel it.

Can empathise. After a really intense and actually toxic relationship, I’ve started talking to someone who on paper is much better, but thinking about being with him intimately makes me cry in that it’s not my ex.

You’re not ready. Seek a therapist instead of a date.

The chances of meeting someone attractive, lovely, respectful and smart seem so low, that I'd find ways to work to overcome the numb feeling asap. It's not surprising that you feel burnt by the your most recent ex though, but it would be rubbish if that experience made you lose out on this new bloke. If he really is as kind as you think, then he'd be happy to go slow.

One date is no time at all. Don't put pressure on yourself to 'do' anything. Just go with the flow, but keep noticing your feelings.

@pancakesallday I've been in same position as you so what I suggest is take the pressure off yourself - don't expect to be feeling fireworks instantly or even fireworks.

From what you've described he seems like a nice guy so just go on another date with him but reframe it in your mind that it's a possible new friendship that may develop into a relationship, but it's not the be all & end all & just look forward to having a night out.

@SinkingFeelingSoph snap, I totally get it as I'm experiencing exactly the same right this minute & my feelings are flip flopping all the place - should I stay or should I go.

I feel exactly the same, this is good advice.

How old are you? And why are you dating if you feel no interest or excitement - just don’t do it!

It sounds like it's too soon and that's okay.

Do what you feel.

Are you under the impression that something is wrong if you're not desperate to go on a second date with someone you only 'think you fancied'? Why? What's wrong with 'sorry mate, great to meet you, I'm just not feeling it, good luck'?

Not feeling something for someone you've only just met and aren't sure you fancy isn't 'numbness'. Numbness is a lack of feeling where there should be feeling.

Op, It’s good you are testing the waters, but your body is telling you that you aren’t as ready as you thought you were. Be kind to yourself, listen to your body. Maybe focus on you for now and try again later.

The numbness may be your brain protecting you from repeating the experience you had with your ex. It’s saying ‘look what happened last time, we did this, didn’t work out too well. Better not do it again’. But with time you can overcome that. This guy sounds nice. Take it slow and see what happens.

It's hard to say. Could be that you're not ready, could be that this man is not quite for you, could be that you're reserving a bit of judgement so as not to jump straight in.

If he messaged right this minute and asked you for another date, how would you feel?

Yes, or even ‘That was quite nice, but I’m not gagging for another encounter’ or ‘Not sure whether I’d ask him for another date’? Those are equally valid responses to a date that went perfectly well, but didn’t cause internal fireworks. You seem to be putting a lot of pressure on yourself about how you ‘should’ be feeling.

This is good advice imo. A date doesn't necessarily need to lead to anything romantic but if you liked him and he seems like he could be someone that you could be friends with and have a laugh with and you're up front then there's no harm.

If I'm honest, my inclination would be to try another date but be clear if you're not feeling much after that. Could just be more a friendship vibe