Disappointed in my husband

[exhausted73]

It is our 25th wedding anniversary in August and for the last 9/10 months or so my husband has been saying he is going to sort something out for our anniversary (his idea). He has told me various different things (unprompted by me in any way). Firstly he knew where he was going to take us, then earlier in the year said actually he decided we should go away for a city break type thing abroad. We talked about it about and possible destinations and then he lost interest - too hot and busy in August (we were talking back in May about it and the need to book it quite quickly due to the time of year.) So it ended up being discussed it would be a few days away in this country (I am fine with this). However, he has kept saying over the last few weeks he hasn't booked anything and last night asked if I would help. . He is the one who has made a big deal out of arranging it and now is passing it back to me. He NEVER gets involved in organising anything. For holidays he will say. "you know what I like - surprise me" - no discussion or help in any way. He doesn't get involved in Christmas, kids birthdays etc - has no idea what I have bought for the kids etc. The last time he organised anything by himself for the two of us was before our son was born (now 18....) I am so disappointed in him. I want to say something but we have a special family occasion this week and then go on family holiday on Saturday so I don't want to start an argument. I feel like I organise everything in life - because he simply just wont (I have always worked, and most of our relationship more hours than him + all of the mental load). I feel it is the ultimate insult to have been promising all of this for months and then not do anything. I know this is not a major thing like cheating or hidden debts etc, but I feel so let down by this - not sure why it is affecting me so much, but it feels like a real kick in the teeth.

I think you have every right to be upset and to feel let down. And it's worse because he said he would do it so it's not even like he has just done more of the same - ie leaving it all to you. He got your expectations up.

Personally, I would 100% tell him you're disappointed. You don't have to create a massive argument about it (although I'm reading between the lines that you think it WILL create a massive argument which is, again, another reason to be upset and frankly a red flag for this relationship over all). I think you should tell him calmly that you're very disappointed. That this was the one thing he said he would do, and he has not lived up to it and that makes you feel unvalued by him.

I totally get what you mean, I’m the planner of our relationship by choice because I actually love organising things and I’m possibly a bit of a control freak so I prefer to do the planning so I know what to expect. But if my husband had explicitly said he wanted to plan something for us and then last minute asked for me to do it I’d be annoyed as well, not because I don’t like planning things but because he had obviously thought it would be a nice gesture for him to do it and then couldn’t be arsed to do it!

Book a luxury holiday and send the bill to him- that should surprise him!

Sounds like he's always been a bit of a dead loss but I guess he has other things going for him. What is concerning is that you're scared to have it out with him because he will ruin some events coming up.
Have you thought about what you'd like the rest of your life to look like? You seem resigned and down trodden. it doesn't have to be like this.

It's not the money, it's the time and thoughtfulness that's in question.

Simple response to this one when he asks you for help

"Oh darling that's so sweet, but you know what I like... suprise me!"

In terms of how to manage it, I'd focus on the "I feel..." sentences.

"When you said you'd take responsibility for booking us a holiday, I felt excited because it felt like I would be able to enjoy a holiday without having to do the organisation."

"When you said that you hadn't booked a holiday, I felt disappointed, because..."

"When you asked me to help book the holiday, I felt frustrated because..."

There’s no need for an argument, simply tell him how upset and disappointed you are by him dangling something then deciding he can’t be bothered. Tell him to get the fuck on with a nice plan, to do it properly and that it’s the very least he owes you after running his life for 25 years. He’s got no come back as he’s being a twat so there won’t be an argument and if there is give some thought to what the next 25 years looks like. I’m really sorry, it sounds shit.

Just tell him no.

Say that his gift to you was, for once in your married life, researching and booking a holiday and letting you just show up. You're not his parent, you're not his secretary and if he's left it this late to book then that's his problem to resolve.

You don't want to fall out about it, but you are also not going to speak to him about it or any more until he comes to you with a booked holiday like he promised.

You don't want his 25th anniversary gift to you to be a lie, so he needs to ensure that's not the case.

Yup.... but what can you do?

You have two choices: you can sit him down and talk to him and risk being accused of "ruining the whole thing by never being happy" - typical male response.
Or
You can play them at their own game and be as nonchalant and dgaf as they are.

Weaponised incompetence can also be used by women in my opinion... my suggestion is use it. Men clearly understand it so why not give a little love back in that department. :-)

@roses321 but OP booking the holiday means his incompetence has worked and OP has to put in the effort as usual

Well, he kinda has and that’s the problem. If the OP still wants to go away for her 25th (Congratulations!) then they’ll have to have a discussion once she’s calmed down. Otherwise this will fester for the next 25 years. In what circumstances would it still be possible to go away and enjoy the celebration break, reminisce about the wedding day and reaffirm your love for each other? Try to aim for that, otherwise there will be no point in going.

I would say to him that you don't want to book it and ask that he please organises it, as for once you don't want that work.

I would rather not go than organise it, not in a cut my nose off to spite my face way. But I would fester that it was yet again something I had to be in charge of and just wouldn't enjoy it the same way.

It sounds like you think if you tell hi you're upset about this, he'll ruin things that are planned over the next few weeks. Is your relationship based on you walking on eggshells to keep the peace? It doesn't sound good.

I'm not suggesting she do it, i'm suggesting she uses weaponised incompetence for once and says "oh but ummm i just don't know.... help!".

You're well within your rights to be upset, by why not just say "no"?

No need to get upset with him, just say you were really looking forward to him surprising you with something, and now it just feels like a chore that you have been delegated, so say if he can't be bothered to put the effort in this once to organise something then you'd rather not celebrate it at all.

Keep it matter of fact, if he knows you're not going to save the day he'll have to do it himself or live with fact that because of him it was a great big disappointment all round.

I want to say something but we have a special family occasion this week and then go on family holiday on Saturday so I don't want to start an argument.

You don't have to start an argument. You use "When, I feel, because, please".

When you gave me back the admin for the anniversary break I felt disappointed and sad. Because I do most of the admin and this felt really special, that you would organise it for me. Please do organise it. I won't be.

And then listen. Don't get angry or score points, stick to, "I'm sad about it, I thought it would be special".

Yes I think the fact that you are hesitating discussing this with him for fear of ruining upcoming events is concerning tbh. Most couples would have a discussion and then resolve their differences and go off and have a nice time on holiday!

Does he usually sulk if you oppose him?

I wouldn’t book anything and if he complains on the day say but you didn’t either? You gave me a few weeks, when you had months to organise something - I don’t see why this should fall to me, like everything else.
Book yourself a nice spa day the following weekend to have something to look forward to!

It’s an absolute killer when a partner doesn’t think of you. 25 years of service to him and nothing in return, and note I say service, not companionship, marriage, love, friendship, no service. He has let you take the load for everything, and you’re not even getting a gold watch, that’s what my grandad got when retiring from 25 years as a bricklayer after working for the same firm. He clearly sees you as staff and takes you for granted, you were hoping for one nice gesture, and it’s been allocated back to you with a shrug.

In relationships we all work as a team and gradually allocate each other different jobs to do within that partnership, bills, bins, pick ups, drop off etc, but occasionally we notice the other one struggling, and without prompting, we take that task on for them, to give them respite. Occasionally we see something they might like and bring it to them, could be as simple as a chocolate bar we know they like, or we book a lovely get away for an anniversary, like your partner should have done, but no, he didn’t, why would he do your job for you, that’s what you’ve been employed to do, always and without complaining, so he can get on with his life unworried. I’m guessing when you became engaged, he saw it as the literal meaning of the word, engaged meaning ‘in use’.

Like previous posters have said, it’s also concerning that you don’t want to confront this as it will cause an argument, so guessing by arguing or sulking he has taught you to let him have his way. Maybe have a think about the future and possibly treat yourself to another 25 years or more of wonderful freedom and happiness away from this useless unloving human.

18 yo son? I don't know how old you are, OP, if the 73 there is a year you were born, you are six years older than me.
It seems that you have been giving and giving, letting others take your time, energy and biting chunks out of you.
Your son is now an adult (I'm not suggesting to forget him), so forget your lump of a husband and put yourself first.
Up to you how you choose to do it.
I'm child free, married for 20 years (to better my life, not to sacrifice) and whoever feels overly entitled to a chunk of me, gets cut out (even by deceit), if I cannot go NC.
YOURSELF FIRST, now. 😊

This is so sad - that he'd been lazy, stupid and thoughtless for 25 years and you're still hoping he'll suddenly step up. Also sad that if you point out to him what a lazy arse he is, it will cause an argument so you continue to accept his poor behaviour.

Ugh. I feel your pain. My husband for out while marriage has bought gifts for me (when he bought them) from the same store than has an Irish theme. Over the years he has bought everything appropriate and then started duplicating them, I asked him PLEASE find somewhere else to buy gifts. Our 25th wedding anniversary arrives - I saved and bought him a beautiful, expensive silver watch, I made the dinner reservations. He bought me a gift that was a duplicate of a gift he had given me several years ago. I was terribly disappointed.

...he hasn't booked anything and last night asked if I would help...

'No, I can't help. You said you would do the organising and that's what I'd like you to do'

If he takes the huff or starts an argument off the back of that, you've got bigger problems than him not organising things. I mean, for the love of God, how difficult can it possibly be to organise a few days in Edinburgh or wherever? It just shows a distinct lack of care or, frankly, love.