Disappointed in my husband

[exhausted73]

It is our 25th wedding anniversary in August and for the last 9/10 months or so my husband has been saying he is going to sort something out for our anniversary (his idea). He has told me various different things (unprompted by me in any way). Firstly he knew where he was going to take us, then earlier in the year said actually he decided we should go away for a city break type thing abroad. We talked about it about and possible destinations and then he lost interest - too hot and busy in August (we were talking back in May about it and the need to book it quite quickly due to the time of year.) So it ended up being discussed it would be a few days away in this country (I am fine with this). However, he has kept saying over the last few weeks he hasn't booked anything and last night asked if I would help. . He is the one who has made a big deal out of arranging it and now is passing it back to me. He NEVER gets involved in organising anything. For holidays he will say. "you know what I like - surprise me" - no discussion or help in any way. He doesn't get involved in Christmas, kids birthdays etc - has no idea what I have bought for the kids etc. The last time he organised anything by himself for the two of us was before our son was born (now 18....) I am so disappointed in him. I want to say something but we have a special family occasion this week and then go on family holiday on Saturday so I don't want to start an argument. I feel like I organise everything in life - because he simply just wont (I have always worked, and most of our relationship more hours than him + all of the mental load). I feel it is the ultimate insult to have been promising all of this for months and then not do anything. I know this is not a major thing like cheating or hidden debts etc, but I feel so let down by this - not sure why it is affecting me so much, but it feels like a real kick in the teeth.

Is a quarter of a century of this really worth celebrating? There seems to be no point to the man.
Focus on making a happy future for yourself OP, show the man as much consideration as he does to you.

The OP is on a hiding to nothing here.

If she tells him to get on with it and book something, he will then do that Performance Reward Demand thing whereby he crows about having booked something (shit probably) and stands over her demanding that she enjoys it and massages his ego for having clicked a fucking button on booking.com

OP - really sorry you've been let down, but after all these years, it's no surprise, right?

Sort something out yourself, and feel free to leave him at home to stew in his own juices.

What would I do? Absolutely nothing. I wouldn't acknowledge the day in any way whatsoever. No gifts for him, no trips, nothing. If he asked why I wasn't marking the day, I'd just say 'well, since you weren't bothered, then neither was I.'

And then I'd take myself off somewhere for a lovely time by myself.

Is there anywhere that you would really like to go on holiday, OP? Perhaps somewhere that you haven’t been before because it’s not the sort of place that your husband likes? Maybe now would be the time…

The plus side is that you can book exactly what you want to do.
My partner is forever making me walk up hills and sometimes I would just love to relax! So book something that is exactly what you want to do. Don't even consider what he would like as he had his chance to book it

I would tell him that either he does as promised and organises a trip away for both of you to celebrate 25 years of marriage...

Or you'll organise a solo trip away to reward yourself for 25 years of putting up with him and reevaluate whether you can manage it for the next 25 years as well.

For context I have been married 35 years and I am generally the planner in our relationship.

I wouldn’t bother booking anything, he has made it clear to you he doesn’t really think the anniversary is anything special through his lack of action so I would take the tone from him. You have been together long enough that you know what he is like and deep down you may well have expected this to happen, especially when the foreign city break morphed into a weekend in the UK.

I think it is a major thing and could be a turning point in your relationship, you either find a point to discuss how you feel or you bottle it up and gradually stop carrying all the mental load & some things just don’t get done anymore, now you son is older it will be much easier just to stop doing everything and less critical that stuff doesn’t happen.

Good luck & I am sorry that you husband has let you down this way.

It’s frustrating that he has shown a lack of effort in organising something and I can understand how you feel. Some people just lack the ability to do anything. A family member organises nothing, her DH does it all. She doesn’t work so has plenty of time on her hands however seems completely unable to do it - even basic tasks like a food shop.

However, I would use it to your advantage and book something that you want to do, regardless of his agenda. Spa break, city trip away. Book it otherwise you risk it not happening.

Don’t arrange it. It was his task, his big deal. Just don’t do it. Why should you? He’s not eight, and you’re not his mother or his PA.

Tell him how disappointed you are and that you are not organising anything for your anniversary. It doesn't have to be a row, just tell him matter of factly that you spend your life organising stuff for everyone else and he should stick to his promise that he would sort out a break for you both. Then leave it to him - he'll either sort something out or he won't. If he doesn't, I'd organise a trip just for you and take yourself off and have a lovely time doing things for you!

If he’s always been like this, it’s a bit late to get upset about it 25 years later!
All couples have their ‘things’ that each of them do/are better at etc.
Focus on what he brings to the relationship rather than what he doesn’t. And organise something nice for you both - apparently you’re great at it!

I'd book a solo trip away to spend time thinking about what you want for the next 25 years.

Tell him he's been bigging it up for months. You will not help. Do nothing for him. If he does nothing for your 25th. Then don't buy him a single gift ever again. His first birthday or Christmas will be painful but I expect he'll start being decent when he learns how it feels and sulks at no gifts for him.

I'd be really disappointed too in this scenario. If I were you, I'd not book it. But if you still wanted a trip away, then book yourself, and you only (or a friend, anyone but HIM), a nice expensive spa or country hotel or something that you'd love. Then fuck off without him for a few days.

Reminds me of my 40th when STBXH wrapped up a city break book that I had bought for him a few years previous. Said we should book something together.

At marriage counselling he said he didn’t book anything as he thought it was a risk as might we not stay together.

Same thing happened with me for my 50th. I met my partner just before I turned 41...my 40th had been an utter disaster (was splitting up with husband). Partner spent 9 years saying my 50th would be better. Supposed to be going abroad (his idea), like your husband he booked nothing, despite constant reminders (my birthday is in August). I book a city break at last minute, partner manages to get us on the wrong train. I'm so upset by this time I cancel the hotel and go home. Didn't even get a present (holiday abroad was supposed to be his present to me).

His 50th was 2 years later. Smack bang in the middle of lockdown. I'd already told him I would make as much effort for his 50th as he'd made for mine i.e. none. I kept that promise.

If you don't tell him how disappointed you are, then how is he ever going to know.

He might think you're not too bothered?

Talk to him (not argue) and see if he can book something September/October time when the kids have gone back to school and it's cooler.

You can also mention Christmas/birthdays etc too.

This!

Took the words out of my mouth. If you can’t explain to your significant how you feel without them getting into an argument then there is something wrong in the relationship.

Does he book trips with friends etc? If so he is more than capable

does he worry that you won’t like it?

25 years is a good time to sort of the basics of what’s next. Sounds like you two need to set some new ground rules and expectations

Been there, got this T shirt. Basically he hasn't organised anything for decades, you've done it all so he has no skills (and if i'm being kind, lack of confidence to get it right). If you push it he'll probably end up booking something random and overpriced as the line of least resistance. If you want to go away with him I think you have to choose and either book it yourself or give him all the details to do so. Trust me, he won't change now.