An unremorseful spouse is not reconciliation material. Unless he realise this had nothing to do with you he is at risk of doing it again. The comment he made suggests he is either still in the fog created by his rewriting your history and justifying his poor choices or he’s an unremorseful cheater who doesn’t believe the rules apply to him and such a type will NEVER be reconciliation material.
How to help your spouse heal from your affair by MacDonald is a book you could download and read quickly. It will help show you what he should be doing.
Ignore anything that mentions unmet needs. It’s nonsense. I’m not a fan of Ester Perel either.
You need to realise as quickly as possible that you cannot make someone cheat. You are Not that powerful. By saying ‘you treated me like shit so my only choice was to put my penis into another human’ he sounds a bit silly to me, as it is nonsensical. And yet here he is trying to retain his marriage with the woman he purports to treat him
like shit. It’s nonsense . For your self esteem you need to really understand this.
My spouses behaviour cannot make me throw away values I truly believe in. It’s nonsense. You are the prize here. A lady who trusts, believes, is faithful is a prize in a relationship. A cheat who lies, sneaks anround (like a 14 year old with a packet of cigarettes) and blames his spouse for his actions - er nope can’t see why he’s a prize.
Marriages don’t cheat. He had options if he was unhappy that would have allowed him to retain his honesty and dignity, he could have 1) spoken to you and said we need to do counselling. 2) divorced you 3) put up and shut up. but he chose to cheat and hide it from you.
Nothing you do or didn’t do can MAKE someone betray their values. It’s absolute nonsense. You are not that powerful.
Not to upset you further but he is likely to still be lying (cheaters like to control the narrative and remain the good guy in their story). They often push the affair underground until the coast is clear. The website surviving infidelity has resources which will help you.
Do not share your resources with him. You need safe places to post. Be aware cheating causes ptsd in victims. And be aware most people don’t really understand the impact of infidelity on victims. It is very sad that it has such a devastating affect on thousands of people every year yet so many people seem to struggle to understand the extent of the damage it causes.
There is no going back to your old marriage. Occasionally people can build a new one. You will be going through the grief cycle and you have to have time to process, cry, rage etc. There are no shortcuts. But trickle truth will make matters worse but cheaters sadly are too selfish to put their spouse first.
After watching the damage it causes I believe infidelity is abuse. It puts victims at risk of sexually transmitted diseases and it is mental abuse. Victims are gaslit, lied to and made to feel they are going mad. That is abuse. Him blaming you for his actions is abuse. (And it is what domestic abusers often do). Affairs aren’t love stories. I see them more as Titania and Bottoms love story in Midsummer Nights Dream! Films and series with affairs - I look for the characters flaws.
The traits that allowed him to say he loves you while stabbing you repeatedly in the back are the same traits that are blaming you for his choices. Selfishness, poor impulse control, people pleasing tendencies, okay with lying, poor self esteem, needing ego kibbles, kisa, unable to self soothe etc.
At present he is in damage limitation mode and he will have spent time blaming you in his mind for his poor choices. By devaluing your relationship and character he could remain the ‘good guy’ and blame his behaviour on you. Most Cheaters have cognitive dissonance. You will now have cognitive dissonance. You cannot rugsweep. You need real life support if possible. I wish you well op.
Every day remember to Acknowledge the minutes or seconds you feel okay and on an even keel. Those seconds or minute will grow into minutes, tens of minutes and then hours over time. But you may find as you notice his poor character traits the feelings you have for him diminish. I do believe this is why people divorce 4/5 years post affair. It is when the betrayed person is on an even keel. And they realise the person they are sharing life’s journey with has character traits that are not life partner material. Get legal advice without telling him (he is not your friend) and take a friend with a clear head to make notes. Know where you stand. look after yourself.
(sorry for typos on small screen and not feeling well)