How many marriages survive infidelity?

[iusedtobeasize8]

7 months ago I found out my husband of 20 years had been having an affair. He completely denied it at first and tried to explain away evidence I had found but I knew in my gut that I was right. I threw him out of the marital home and was completely heartbroken. He eventually admitted to meeting someone else but denied that anything physical had happened as the other woman didn’t want to get involved while we were still together. All lies of course. Through much digging I finally found out who she was and I messaged her - she blocked me. She is nothing like me at all and I do wonder what the attraction was but he has since told me that it could have been anyone who paid him some attention. After I threw him out they continued seeing each other for around another month until he realised that he didn’t actually want her and he wanted me all along.
Since then he has tried to build bridges with me and our children. We’ve been to marriage counselling which has helped but I still can’t get over the way he’s treated me. He apologises all the time saying he was in a bad place at the time. I don’t trust him and feel 7 months on I could still throttle him for what he has done to our family. My counsellor says it will take take time but if me and DH are invested in making it work it will. I’m not so sure. I do love him deeply otherwise I wouldn’t be trying to repair the marriage but what if love isn’t enough? Has anyone had experience of this and it has all worked out? Or am I best to just get on with my life. Kind replies please - I know what he’s done is horrendous but it’s hard to switch feelings off after 20 years. Thanks

@AmandaHoldensLips

Probably more than most of us realise, because it's not something people discuss with all and sundry. And there's a lot to be said for forgiveness..... after 20 years, it's surely worth a try?

Yes, money.

So is this guy a multi millionaire?

My guess is no. As a result. Next sensible response.

I tried to make it work after 26 years of what I thought was a happy, solid marriage. We were best friends (or so I thought). We limped along for about 3 years after the affair with him trying to make things right. In the end I realise that I could never really forgive. He caused so much pain and told so many lies that he just wasn't a person I could love any more and every time we had sex I wondered what he'd done with her.

Pombear - can you explain this model further please?
My counsellor said DH’s reasons for the affair were what was lacking in our marriage. In his case he said fun and regular sex.
I do feel she stuck up for him a lot blaming his behaviour on childhood trauma. He also said he never felt that I wanted him. Of course that’s why I married him and had 3 children with him 🙄

Counsellors like these cause untold damage! That is prime victim blaming. A marriage of 20plus years is not the first flush of youth and constant bonking. It's real life with highs and lows and aging parents and money worries. He clearly wasn't in it for the long haul if he wanted to escape to lala land with ow. Why couldn't he whisk you away for some romance if he felt it was lacking? At least talk to you?

You will be his jailor if you stay, in my honest opinion.

@Beth216 @BePinkPombear
I do not need your pity, nor am I a victim.

Part of choosing to reconcile a marriage requires accountability from both spouses. Like it or not, infidelity rarely happens in a vacuum. It is not as simple as cheaters are all bad people. After 20 years together, there is a lot to pull apart, to recognise where you each went wrong. My husband has had his own counselling to recognise his. I am not going to lay out our history here, as this is not my thread, and I have name changed, as I frequently do, so that none of you can go and hunt for my past. Like a lot of couples, COVID brought all our problems to a head. Suffice to say that after years of making my husband feel unloved, rejected and unwanted, it did not really come as a surprise to me that he sought it somewhere else.

I take Esther Perel's view that most of us will have more than one marriage, some of have them all with the same person. I had my first marriage, we got a lot wrong. We are now building a new one.

Hi OP
Im sorry your counsellor said that to you! Can I ask is this an individual counsellor or a couples counsellor?

blaming unmet needs seems to be more prevelant in old school individual and couples counsellors.

The main point of an individual counsellor is to counsel you…help you understand yourself and heal.
the point of a couples counsellor is to heal the relationship and this should focus on communication not ‘he didn’t/she didn’t’

Trauma in your H’s early life can be a cause of infidelity, if it’s given him shitty coping mechanisms and low self esteem (and other things)
If he came out a said that he was missing fun and regular sex that is quite shocking but I suppose his honesty is quite refreshing. But he needs to explore ~why~ he needed extra fun in the form of an affair and why he didn’t have the coping and communication skills to work on things with you first

i think I’m rambling…
survivinginfidelity.com has an Ask a Wayward section which is very illuminating but you might want a strong drink before you sit down with it. However the cheaters that answer the questions have done the work to reform themselves. Some were given the opportunity to reconcile but not all were

ill try and dig out some resources if you think it would be useful for you?

@iusedtobeasize8

My counsellor said DH’s reasons for the affair were what was lacking in our marriage. In his case he said fun and regular sex

The thing with this is that it's not up to one partner to meet the other's needs. So, if he had unmet needs, it was up to him to get them met, and crucially, he had the option of doing that healthily, within the marriage, by communicating to you what was happening for him, how he was feeling, what changes he would like, etc.

Did he do that, before going and finding someone else?

It wasn't your job to guess his needs, and magically get it all right for him. You were having your own life.

As for childhood trauma... well, it can explain a lot, but it doesn't make inexcusable things excusable. I used to have a very explosive, unpredictable temper, due to childhood trauma. But it didn't make it ok. And I had to deal with it. Childhood trauma doesn't mean you get forgiven for treating people badly, it just explains why you do.

All lies of course. * don’t trust him*

I absolutely agree that it's not the actual infidelity that scuppers the relationship but the lies that destroy trust. Once the trust has gone then well, what do you have left.

So sorry, OP Take your time to think about where you want this to go and what you want to happen. There are really no good answers so make sure you do what really works for you and your own loved ones.

Wow - so it’s basically ‘your fault’ he had an affair? Absolutely not! He could have talked to you, discussed his needs - and yours! Instead he did what he did.

What he lacked in the marriage was respect for you.

The marriage can survive, ie. If you want a husband at home with you. The relationship won’t be the same, You cannot forget what he did. It’s pretty insulting to you for anyone to tell you to pretend otherwise.

If you’re going to stay together you both need to put your hands up, admit to your mistakes, talk about what went wrong and what you both need to work on to make this time round successful.

You need to have some really hard talks, set new rules and routines and ultimately draw a line in the sand and see your marriage before the affair as your old relationship and this fresh start a new one.

it will never work if you keep bringing the affair up etc.

What was your marriage like before the affair?

"Extensive research conducted by the American Psychological Association found that 53% of couples who experienced infidelity in their marriage were divorced within 5 years, even with therapy.

The study says that couples who have been unfaithful are three times more likely to separate than monogamous couples."

https://www.marriage.com/advice/infidelity/how-long-does-a-marriage-last-after-infidelity/

After five years it drops even lower.

If memory serves, the figure about 70% who want to reconcile which you quote was based on the five year survival rate, but drops after that.

You have clearly been brainwashed by reconcilation scam artists that proliferate on the internet. You had no part in what your husband did. None. The "environment" of a marriage does not cause cheating. Bad character on the part of the cheater does. I'm sorry that you have fallen for this con job. You're going to have to find out the hard way that cheaters seldom, if ever, really change.

I was your DD but my parent admitted it as soon as they knew I knew. I don't think I would have ever forgiven them otherwise
In my parents case, they admitted it within a couple of weeks, there was no lying involved. I think the lying is the worst bit.
My parents did a lot of soul searching. My mum (who had the affair) move out of the family home for about six months but continued to participate in family life.
They went to a lot of therapy and we went to therapy (I hated it).

It wasn't all one sided, my dad was emotionally detached for several years.
It took a lot of work but they are still happily married and in their 80s.
I think the big difference is that my mum fessed up immediately and agreed to work through it. Your DH has repeatedly lied.so the trust is gone.

Your counsellor is an idiot. Unfortunately, a lot of them are.
A trauma informed approach recognizes that what you have experienced is betrayal trauma, and that it's a threat to your mental health, not just a "mistake" that you need to "get over."
What you need is individual therapy that is focused on what you need, not what the cheater needs.
It is very typical for marriage counsellors to take the cheater's side. That's because therapists know that if they were to tell you the truth, which is that most cheaters do not change, they will lose clients when clients realize there isn't any point to marriage counselling. So they tell you there are ways you can prevent it from happening again, which there are not. It's completely up to the cheater whether or not they do it again. You cannot affair proof a relationship.
Marriage counselling is often questionable, if not an outright scam.
Visit the chumplady blog to hear the truth that counselors won't tell you.

We are not accountable for the actions of others. We are only accountable for our own. No matter what you did, your husband had other options. He could have had an honest conversation about it and suggested therapy. He could have informed you that if there were no changes he was going to end the marriage or he could have just ended it with no discussion. He chose to lie, risk your health and betray you instead. Yes, that does make him a bad person.

But you've clearly drunk the koolaide, so I'm probably wasting my time. The fact that you admire Perel makes it all the sadder and more sterotypical of people who go the reconcilation con route. You're being scammed and don't know it.

Someone’s worked a blinder on you! ‘Years of ‘making’ my partner feel unloved?! Goodness me, talk about blaming yourself.

If you feel unloved, you speak to your partner, you don’t go off like a spoilt brat in search of someone else. You take your marriage vows seriously, you act like an adult that loves & respects their wife a communicate.

Op, you have a tough road ahead & only you can work out whether the trust/love is broken enough to part ways but I wish you the best of luck.

One of my close friends marriage survived an affair. It was the wife who cheated and went off with another man. She moved in with him and left her husband at home. They had three grown up children and been together 27 years. She came back when she realised the grass wasn’t greener and he allowed them to carrry on as normal. The hurt took a while but he had the attitude that she was a fabulous wife and mum for 27 years and she made a mistake. Yes a big one but he didn’t want to throw away all the good times. They are still happy now and just celebrated 40 years together.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. What do you really want, ask yourself this question and put answers in a pro cons list and see what you think. Don’t like that he carried on with the affair after you found out as it shows a complete lack of care towards you. Did she dump him or did he pick you over her? If he only came back because she dumped him I would get rid. He lied about the affair then lied about it not being physical is he lying about choosing you? I would find out then make my decision. Good luck

I have a friend whose DH had a 2 year affair. They have been married almost 25 years. They stayed together and still are. Turns out she secretly had a one night stand when she suspected him but in stead of confronting him she decided a fuck you behind his back was her way to go. Don’t condone either of their actions but had to agree with her that his affair was on the face of it far worse. Anyway they worked through it for the kids. As I say still together, seem happy. They no longer talk about what they both did, they made the call they had to trust each other or it wouldn’t work. So that’s what they did.

I don’t think I could ever get past it, but I also don’t know if I’d want to walk away and start again at my age with young kids, not that I’d ever tell him that. DH and I came close to splitting a few years back, I couldn’t stand the thought of starting again so we worked on our issues which were bad at the time. I’m glad we did. Twenty/thirty years ago it would have been a no brainer I’d have said absolutely walk away and I did, twice, but I was younger, no kids and not as tired as I am these days.

He says he ghosted her. But she was actually the one who deleted and blocked him on social media.
I know they had made plans for the future together. And they’d told each other ‘I love you’.
He says he’s disgusted with himself but he essentially chose her over me which is another reason I can’t forgive him.

Thanks for all replies- they’ve been very helpful.

I am stuck on this bit OP. And when I read it, I don't even know you but it filled me with rage on your behalf.

At the end of the day, he made a CHOICE to cheat. Many many people (including myself) have suffered childhood trauma, and have managed to carry on to adulthood without blaming our childhood for lying and degrading other people. No fun and no sex. Oh cry me a river! Do you really believe that therapist is right OP? As I really really do not.

What else is he now going to blame on this trauma?

And if he really does have such serious trauma, what is he doing about it? Couples therapy is not for this. Is he having therapy alone to get to the route of it?

This is part of the reason why I say 7 months is not a long time for you to make a decision. As he may be doing and saying all the right things now, but for how long? What is he actually doing to save your marriage really? He cheated. He needs to fight for you. Not the other way around.