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Original poster

did your DH ask "for your hand in marriage"?

50 replies

bohemianbint · 12/04/2008 08:52

How common is this these days, and what's the etiquette?

DP's thinking about doing it because we're thinking of signing the papers in a month but having the party a year and a day later. He hasn't proposed as such, we can't afford anything at the mo so it's about as un-trad as you can get at the mo.

Is it just a polite thing?

OP posts:
maidamess · 12/04/2008 08:55

I think its lovely and romantic. And its something my dh didn't do, and he is still paying the price to this day

His line was 'Well, shall we do it then?'

Barbara Cartland eat your heart out.

MrsMattie · 12/04/2008 08:55

lol@'hand in marriage'. No. DH woke me up at the crack of dawn after a very boozy night out and said 'I think we should get married'. There was no 'on bended knee' action, not even a ring at the time! I still have fond memories of it, though

sarah293 · 12/04/2008 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Alexa808 · 12/04/2008 08:58

I think it's a lovely gesture and in my eyes absolutely vital if he wants to hear a 'yes'. My dp and I aren't married yet but will have a registry wedding around June and the 'white wedding' in February or so (2009) as I'm pregnant and don't want to waddle down the aisle. Whatever suits you is right for you. My way isn't traditional at all and my Dad took his time to get used to the idea but I don't care what others say. Have a nice lunch or evening dinner at your place with friends on your wedding day and do a 'proper' party later. Sounds nice.

Wishing you a great time! Oh, and congratulations!!

skidoodle · 12/04/2008 08:58

Do you mean asking you? Or asking your father or another man in your family whether he can take you off their hands?

Some people really get off on the tradition of being traded like goods, so go for it if it will make you feel valued (like furniture or vegetables).

It's not really a matter of etiquette these days since women are now supposed to be independent and capable of giving their own consent.

dizzydixies · 12/04/2008 09:00

nope, we decided we'd better not go and tell my parents I was pregnant before being engaged and I told him not to be buying me any old shite from Elizabeth duke at argos as an engagement ring I'd be designing my own

ah swoon over my mills and boon like life

wouldn't mind a bit of romance on occassion

skidoodle · 12/04/2008 09:04

Oh right, well if you just mean did my DH propose to me, I'm not really sure.

I think he did, but by the time he got around to it we had both had a lot of (very nice) wine and it's all a little fuzzy. I think we both kind of knew it was time to make a big decision, so I kind of guessed where the conversation might go and I think I might have spoilt it

I think whatever way you come to the decision to get married becomes part of your story as a couple, and that's where the romance is really - in the reality of you guys coming to the decision to spend your lives together.

LilyMunster · 12/04/2008 09:07

mine did bended knee. on pavement in knitsbridge. then we did ring shopping. then ring wearing.
the latest stage (the wearing of the ring with no particular drive to do much of anything about it) has been going on 5 years now.
humph.
(have only recently realised im bothered)

Original poster
bohemianbint · 12/04/2008 09:07

Ha - glad to see there's some equally romantic weddings going on!

Cheers Alexa, sounds like you're doing a similar thing to us, although we're not doing the white wedding bit (have a fear of being stared at by everyone I know!) I'm thinking most of my family won't be too surprised at us doing the registry office in jeans kinda thing, although there's bound to be someone that has issues with it...

Skidoodle - it's the asking my father thing, I actually didn't make that at all clear, oops!

Am not mad for "being traded", and I won't be given away. But it seems quite important to DP, who is more trad and romantic than me, and probably wishes it could all be a bit more traditional. I viewed it as one of those weird wedding quirks, in the same way as carrying flowers or wearing something blue, but when you think about it's a bit offensive!

OP posts:
Original poster
bohemianbint · 12/04/2008 09:08

Bugger, shame I can't edit the title!

OP posts:
LilyMunster · 12/04/2008 09:09

am quite enjoying the word knitsbridge

dizzydixies · 12/04/2008 09:11

no not mad at all, its quite an old fashioned notion and not everyone wants to be a princess for a day being 'given' away
no offence to those that do its a very personal choice

we did get married in a church, I was given away by my dad but more for his sake than mine, I turned up at church in dad's 4x4 wearing a blue dress with dd in tow

we had a meal and a big piss up - that in itself qaulifies as a wedding but we still did it 'our' way

congrats and enjoy it however you do it

LilyMunster · 12/04/2008 09:11

asking me dad???

why??

its not me dad hes marrying is it??

random.

Original poster
bohemianbint · 12/04/2008 09:17

I'm not sure if DP doing it might make my dad feel better about me not being a nice normal white wedding type daughter.

Then again, he might not give a monkeys. And he's got another daughter who is!

I wonder what percentage of men ask the FIL? Can't be high, can it...

OP posts:
Nyeh · 12/04/2008 09:55

DH put a ring in a pot of Hagen Daz for me, and wrote "Marry me" in the icecream

Original poster
bohemianbint · 12/04/2008 10:45

I like a bit of romance...

Must be hideous though, if you ask someone and they say no...

OP posts:
fortyplus · 12/04/2008 10:48

Nyeh - if that'd been me I would've been so busy guzzling the ice cream I would've choked on it

Nyeh · 12/04/2008 11:12

I was frantically trying to finish coursework due in the next day and he kept offering me bloody icecream, which I couldn't face because I was worrying.

In the end he whinged enough that I went to get it for HIM to eat

We had already agreed to getting married, chosen the ring together (well, he found it and checked i liked it far too picky for my own good). Then he said he would propose sometime in the next 12 months.

AnAngelWithin · 12/04/2008 11:14

no cos my dad was dead and him and my mum hated each other!!

DoodleToYou · 12/04/2008 11:14

Message withdrawn

skidoodle · 12/04/2008 11:25

Well my Dad walked me down the aisle, which I guess is pretty much the equivalent of being given away. And my DH and I wear rings (well I haven't got around to putting mine back on after giving birth 3 weeks ago), and that also has ownership connotations, but not to us. I guess you take the traditions you like and interpret them your own way.

If you think your Dad would like to be asked and your DP would like to do it and it doesn't make you feel uncomfortable, then go for it. I think my Dad would have been mortified if he'd been asked and would have reacted pretty much like LilyMunster. And I would have absolutely HATED it if my dad and boyfriend had been talking about me in those terms, but that's me.

"(have a fear of being stared at by everyone I know!)"

I hear you. I ended up doing things far more traditionally than I would ever have imagined as I didn't want to draw too much attention to myself. It felt easier not to make any big statements.

In the end, you are the focus of attention on your wedding day, regardless of what you wear because people have come there to celebrate with you and wish you luck as you start off on married life. But it's GREAT, really. All the people that come have come because they love you, and it's a far less shy-making day than you'd think.

foofi · 12/04/2008 11:27

FWIW, I will always feel bad that dh didn't ask my dad's permission as he's very traditional and was a bit put out that things weren't done that way.

elportodelgato · 12/04/2008 12:12

Seriously? you want your DP to ask your father for your hand in marriage? Is this 1830?! Last time I looked women are able to vote and make contracts on their own behalf. Marriage is a contract you enter into on your own behalf, what on earth has it to do with your father?

I know some dads like the idea of it being "tradition" and "respect" or something but in what way is it respectful to treat you, his daughter, like goods and chattel? My dad raised me with pretty feminist principals and if my DH had asked him for my hand he would have been appalled.

Things like this really depress me - so many women seem happy to keep themselves in the dark ages, and then we wonder why gender equality hasn't been achieved... [hmmm]

eandh · 12/04/2008 12:16

Yes my DH gets on really well with my Dad, we went there for dinner onChristmas day 1999 and him, dad and my brother went to pub before lunch, he asked my Dad whether he minded and my Dad answered 'well shes not coming back home ) (we'd moved into our house September '99)

He then propsed as big ben struck midnight on millenium, we had friends round for dinner so there is photographic evidence of him on drunken stooper bended knee and me pissed looking happy!!

edam · 12/04/2008 12:18

Yup, I made him to get my revenge for his oh-so-amusing proposal, which involved really winding me up.

Sadly my mother said 'take her, please'! Which I thought was bit cheeky given I'd left home three years before...