Am I paranoid

[MsSheppy]

My husband and I have been married 7 years. I've never had concerns about him cheating. He's always said he hasn't got time for it, doesn't agree with it, what's the point, if he people are unhappy they should leave the relationship blah blah blah. This is my attitude also.

I've never been jealous or paranoid about him cheating until a few weeks ago. I've never been like that in any relationship.

A few weeks ago we'd had an argument about something and nothing. I can't remember what about. He said I feel you don't want me here. It was what he said in that argument that made me think something is off. He said " if you don't want me here, then tell me now, while I still have time" I said what a strange thing to say. Still have time for what exactly? He said. " While I'm still young enough to move on and have a life"

I said no more and moved on. But this really stuck in my head. I've been quietly observing since. I've carried on as normal and not mentioned anything about it.

For quite a while now he stays up late. This isn't new. We don't go to bed together anymore and there's not really any intimacy. On my behalf it's because I'm tired and fast asleep when he's going to bed.

This morning I had a text on my phone from him. Which was obviously sent accidentally to me. It said "boo, going to the beach" I dunno if it was a question? We don't live near any beach. I'm just so confused? He has also took his phone to bed every single night. This is a new thing. Like me, he'd usually leave it in the living room and charge overnight. He's not been going out anywhere. But I m thinking he is talking to another woman.

Have you heard of the 7 year itch?
I think it’s common around that time for a relationship to lose its way.
I would keep an eye out for changed behaviours
eg

• being more body or clothes conscious
• increased focus on fitness
• more secretive with phone
• going out more
• more being away from home due to ‘work’
• more difficult at home

My exH ticked all these boxes and was sneaking around behind my back. When intimacy has gone often men look elsewhere. I hope this isn’t true but it sounds like a message was sent to you rather than OW in error.

Personally I have no patience for any bs from my DH so I would ask him about that message. I would also have a frank conversation about whether to stay together or not. You say there is no intimacy and sounds like you are just two housemates in one address so what's the point. Unless you both commit to work on go marriage and build something meaningful again then it's for the best to go your separate ways.

The text may well have been accidentally on purpose.

What he said during the argument could have been him trying to manipulate you to ending the relationship. "I feel you don't want me here" could have been him reversing his thoughts - ie "I don't want to be here".

Our first go to is usually thinking we're paranoid but I do think we should listen to our instincts more.

I'm sorry you're going through this @MsSheppy , even if it does turn out to be nothing, it's a horrible place to be, in that place of doubt and worry

I think @TwoThousandAcresofBlueSkyThinking is right.

And if you can't remember what that argument was even about, why it started, is it maybe because he manufactured it out of nothing? I'd be having a little look at his phone just to see if it's what you think. Or just cut straight to asking him what he wants or say you notice he's been acting differently and ask why.

That text is pretty bizarre if you don't live near a beach.

I'm thinking the same thing. I feel I need something concrete before I confront him though. I don't want to come across like a crazy person. Thank you

It is beginning to feel like housemates. The way I'm feeling right now is not helping at all. I feel I need some proof though. Otherwise I just seem crazy

So on MN there’s an army of people who will tell you it’s wrong to snoop. However I believe as a one time only to confirm suspicions that already exist that it is justifiable. Without proof (and even with) many will deny (even if they plan to leave anyway). Some twist to make it all your fault.
Location tracking, bank statements, SM stalking can work if you don’t want to or can’t look at his phone/tablet.
I am sorry you are going through this.

It's a bit difficult. He doesn't use social media. His bank statements are all online. I guess I'll just have to wait it out. Hos phone is glued to his hand. Even when it isn't it's turned face down and on silent

I’m not really sure you’re focusing on the right thing. All this I need evidence observing stuff. You’re asking your husband to be celibate. Clearly not something he is going to do for long. I think you need to address the problems in your marriage as they are huge, rather than play Jane bond.

Asking him to be celibate? Thats 100% not the case. He's choosing to stay up all hours. If he chooses to stay up all night doing whatever, that's his choice. I'm not here to pleasure him on tap. I'm his wife, not a piece of meat.

It sounds like he wanted a way out, the cowards way; you ask him to leave and he moves on guilt/blame free.

Why do you need proof that he is up to something? This can't be the relationship you want? Especially as it is now. Talk to him about your marriage, if it can be fixed and what you both want.

I suppose I just want be sure before accusing him of anything. I could be completely wrong. But you're right. Either way we need to talk. Thank you

F

No one goes into a marriage intending to cheat.

I think you're putting too much weight on what he's said in the past.

If he is choosing to stay up late rather than go to bed with you then his heart isn't in this and his changed behaviour needs discussion.

If you don't want to ask him about an affair then raise this. Ask why. Ask what he does.

If he gets angry I'd suggest it's a sign of a guilty conscience.

So I asked him last night if he was talking to other women. He did get really angry and hardly spoke to me for the rest of the night. I obviously expected him to deny it. But I don't know what to think.

ask to see his phone, it will answer all your questions.

If he says no that gives you the answer.

i believe people are allowed their own privacy in a relationship however that doesn't mean either person can hide behaviour which isn't acceptable.

If there's no intimacy in the relationship, you go to bed separately then it's a perfectly reasonable question from your husband to be honest.

Why are you still together, aside from habit?

What did he say when you asked him? ..

But you have to make some effort?

By the way - you don't need any proof to end the marriage.

Just some balls to admit it's not working, then you can both move forward and hopefully be happy.

Not a negative thing, just the end of a chapter.

Either: A - he is up to no good, or B - you have paranoia.

Which one of those two scenarios is the most likely, based on what you have told us? Because I think A.

I’m speaking from experience. Something is going on. The getting angry when you confronted him is classic deflection. The face down phone always glued to him. Not coming to bed. It’s all signs. Signs I wish I’d seen for what they were and not just because my husband was tired and stressed running his own business. I do agree about needing proof. Without it, he’ll gaslight you and make you think you’re losing your mind. You’ll end up apologising to him and nothing will change. I’m sorry if it’s not what you want to hear but sadly cheating men tend to behave in the same way. Even if you think he doesn’t have time, he’ll be making time. Mine used to take days off work without me knowing.

@MsSheppy how have things been?
I’ve read your update and was thinking how I’d react if someone accused me of cheating. I don’t think I’d get angry. I’d just say no I’m not and ask what led them to think that. I think I’d be sad that someone had thought that of me but not angry. I suppose everyone is different though,

How did he explain the beach message OP?
The comment about leaving while he still has time wouldn’t on its own say cheating to me, more perhaps general insecurity about the relationship. It doesn’t sound like either of you are terribly happy.
The message is really really odd though and I would need a clear explanation for that

Getting angry and stonewalling instead of reassuring you would be signs of guilt in my book.
Being protective of the phone is another sign.

Maybe he feels like you don't want him there. And in the heat of an argument has blurted out what he's been feeling for months? And I think saying at least tell me know while I'm young enough to have time to get over you before starting again is a reasonable way of saying "don't string me along if you don't actually want me anymore"

What was your response to him?

The fact that you don't want to be intimate with him and that you don't even want go to bed with him would suggest that actually you don't want him there; and that in fact you don't love him anymore.