So what ARE supposed to do, given that OLD seems so grim?!

[LightGlossyHold]

Posting as when I replied to another thread, it reminded me of my horrible OLD experiences:
-Nice chat, with someone i found attractive, then suddenly unmatched before we'd swapped numbers so he vanished before my eyes!
-Messaged then met up a few times, always me going to his (not deal-breakingly far away but a bit of a journey) not other way round, slow-fade, could probably see him again if I could be bothered but he's clearly not too fussed either way. Also learnt about 'negging' and he was definitely doing this to me plus a few other red-flags I won't go into now
-Messaged then met up, slept together, seemed really nice then he wanted nudes, then videos, didn't want to take no for an answer
-Met up, quite good sex, then came up with increasingly ridiculous and quite honestly insulting reasons why he couldn't meet up a second time (e.g. bank card stolen the day before. Then his shift pattern changed at the last minute. Then he got burgled. Etc.) Think he may have been married, in hindsight.
-Chatting online, moved to WhatsApp, he almost immediately proceeded to send me photos of his penis 😒
-Chatting online, still on the app, I didn't reply till the following morning, he got REALLY nasty and angry so I unmatched (this and similar has happened a few times and I'm not leaving ridiculous amounts of time to reply, just like I fell asleep and replied when I woke up)

• Chatting online, went for a meal, all was going okish till he told me that he had paid for sex. In a developing country known for sex work.

Plus loads of other slightly boring or outing horror stories.

But everyone I know (friends of friends, colleagues) who's made a new partner in the last 5 years met then online! I've only been using the apps for about 2 years but even in this time there seems to be a higher proportion of really horrible men who have no filter / no manners / are terrifyingly misogynist.

A male friend of mine said he's found Tinder and Bumble, as a straight man, to be full of bots or women promoting their Only Fans!

Honestly, those who have found love online, is it really a matter of just sorting through to find a nice man in amongst all the others?

Those who've met your partner offline, how did you do it? I don't have that much time / money / energy to have a proper hobby, thinking of the one person I actually know (an acquaintance from the school gates, as opposed to friends of friends etc.) who's found love relatively recently. She met her fiancee through a really niche sport.

I'm feeling increasingly despondent 😔
I have about 2 male friends who I've known for ages and they have both made it clear that they would potentially be interested (when drunk!) but I don't want to do something I would definitely later regret with an old friend just because I am a bit desperate at the moment, and ruin 25 yrs or friendship.

None of my friends know anyone single to set me up with (I'm 43, and most of my friends are around this age too I don't know if this factors into it). And virtually all of them are coupled-up. So are all the other adults in my family across all ages / generations. So it's pretty lonely at family gatherings 🙁
I don't have siblings to ask for introductions... Not sure that I would want to anyway 😅

I do have children (50/50) I don't know whether this factors into it. I have always been up-front that I am a mother. But at my age, a lot of women are so I would be surprised if that was putting men off.

I'm naturally quite shy but I have gone to all of the vanishingly small number of parties I've been invited to in case I meet anyone at them. Hasn't happened. I even tried going to local Church events to see if I met someone there (I was raised in a Christian household so wasn't totally out of character, I am agnostic I would say).

I work in an extremely female workplace and field so very unlikely to meet anyone through work.

The only things I can think of are singles holidays, speed dating, or an old-fashioned introductions agency. Or maybe one of the more old-fashioned dating website rather than the apps?

I don't think I am looking for a 'unicorn', just a nice normal man!

Genuinely, any suggestions or stories that'd give me hope would be very welcome 😃

I’ve found each site has a different vibe so it’s worth trying a few to see which you prefer. Some of the free ones are pretty awful.

You need to make sure you chat for a while to get the measure of them before agreeing to meet. Really look at their profile to look for hints about them. I got good at ruling out loads of unsuitable people this way.

I have always been strict on the 3 date rule before going back to one of our houses & that’s helped me weed out the ones that are only interested in one thing. I think that also helps to set the tone. My friend who didn’t do this got messed around a lot more.

My separated friends with DCs that were interested in finding someone have all found DPs & going well. Mostly via OLD (including 1 that have moved in together) & another through work. They all had to persevere to find the right one.

Try not to give up hope.

I had a good time doing OLD but I was fairly strict with rules and I didn't take it too seriously. I never met for a drink or a meal for the first time, always a time limited coffee. I never told them where I lived or worked, or went back to their place until I'd been out with them lots of times. I wouldn't have had sex with anyone, no matter how much I fancied them, until I'd been out with them lots of times. I never travelled to meet anyone, they always had to come to me. I never contacted them after meeting them, I always left it up to them to make contact. I didn't talk to people for ages online, I always thought I'd rather just meet up and see how it went. I had a few longish term relationships from it but ended up meeting my husband on a night out with friends. I did meet a few odd bods OLD but on the whole they were all ok. I think it's just like dating in real life, you have to kiss some frogs to find your prince.

Op you sound a lot like me. I have had a lot of similar experiences and circumstances to you. I thought I'd finally found a good one about 4 months ago but we split up today. I feel just so demoralised with the idea of putting myself back out there AGAIN at some point.

I feel like a pariah among my friends as the only single one. I just want some companionship and someone to have a nice time with. I'm tired of being alone. Feels impossible though.

No answers I'm afraid but solidarity from me.

With actual OLD (as opposed to ĥook up sites) I had 3 dates before meeting dp. The other 3 were fine but I had no interest in seeing them more than once. I'd go against the pp saying to chat for a while before meeting, I'd say move to some kind of visual contact within a week, but I'd include video calls in that. I just don't think there's any point wasting time if there is absolutely zero chance of chemistry. I'd also be strict about location, I wouldn't now want to meet anyone it was going to be really difficult to see regularly, particularly as I wouldn't want to consider moving in with someone for logistical reasons.

As for real life... the people of my age I know who have met in real life (tbh not many) have all started dating people who live in the same street. So volunteering for Neighbourhood Watch might be the way forward...

Thanks @UKposter for your reply - what sort of hints and clues did you look for on profiles? I'm swiping left on the ones that don't have photos, the ones who aggressively say stuff like 'no gold diggers or time wasters' or other really obvious red flags such as, idk, maybe a joke that is sexist / racist, or 'nice guy' energy.

How long did you chat for before meeting? Did you stay on the apps or move to WhatsApp? I don't like how you can't send photos on the app. And also I don't want the notifications going off when my kids might see my phone!

Yeah I kind of think the 3 date rule might work? I have always been quite gung-ho about sex but have ended up feeling quite used and grotty twice now. I really fancied the 2 I have slept with and it had been ages but I think that the second one is a bit of a shagger / cheater (no idea what to make of the first one, but he really started to set off my spidey-senses).

Maybe it really is just a case of sorting the wheat from the chaff. I am glad your friends have found other people! That is very heartening ☺

Is 'nice guy' energy a bad thing?

Making a list of what you would like in a man is a good start. Not living solely via dating apps is wise. Spend a week chatting to them to see if they are worth your time to meet. Know you own value and set boundaries for yourself such as the three date rule.
I waited 8 years. My OH had been online 24 hours. It's luck and perseverance.

@usernother thanks - I like the idea of a time-limited coffee. I got stuck eating a meal with the man who'd paid for sex work and I guess I could have just upped and left, but I felt like I had to stay for the whole meal.

Just wondering if you didn't tell then about your work, did people ask you? Did you just refuse to say? I am quite vague about my work as it's identifying but it's a big part of my life so don't want to not talk about it at all as honestly don't know what else I would have to talk about 😅

Another thing is that I don't really drink anymore so that is another thing that seems to weirdly offend some people when chatting. I have no issue with it, each to their own! And I really love going to nice pubs. I just get such a terrible hangover nowadays it's not worth it. But a few people have taken it the wrong way like I was criticising them when I wasn't .

@Superdupersomeone oh I am sorry to hear that 💐 I hope you're doing OK xx

I initially thought I was onto something good with the first guy, and was pleased thinking I would no longer be a pariah! Because that really is what it feels like. I've drifted away from some of the school-gate friends I'd made because it's a big group of married couples and they don't want me to be left out, as the only singleton at the pub quiz / watching the footie at the pub / at a BBQ someone is hosting, I'm guessing? And to be fair it is a bit awkward when everyone else is in a pair.

The idea of going back online again after the latest nonsense I have been through with someone just fills me with dread 😣

OLD is so exhausting!

@PermanentTemporary - to be fair I've not made that distinction in my mind between OLD and hook-up sights; maybe that is where I am going wrong?! I thought Bumble, Hinge, even Tinder, were all OLD sites (or apps, I guess) now. Unfortunately I can't see myself getting together with neighbours but I love the idea of meeting someone from Neighbourhood Watch 😁

@TheWoodlanders yeah I would say "nice guy" energy (as opposed to the energy of a really nice guy) is definitely a bad thing. Saying stuff like 'tired of being friends with every girl, but never good enough to be their other half' in the profile. That kind of thing... Peevish and entitled. I would LOVE to meet a nice guy. Just not a "nice guy". LOL.

@B1rd oh that's lovely, it must have been written in the stars for you guys!
I have written down a list in my head, but maybe having a hard copy so to speak would be better.

Yeah I agree with the boundaries; I felt like such a melt after realising I was being slow-faded.

I met my partner online about four years ago - I got lucky - he was my only ever actual Tinder date - we hit it off straight away. It started as a casual and mainly sexual thing for both of us, but feelings developed and here we are now - I have had quite a few LTRs in the past but I genuinely think and hope he is the last man in my life and the love of my life!

I think the fact that neither of us were actively looking for a committed relationship was weirdly helpful? It meant things weren't too intense or pressured too quickly, if you see what I mean. We messaged a lot but there was no pressure to do so, no awkwardness if one of us was quiet for a while, etc. In our first few months of dating we didn't actually meet that often due to work and family etc, but that was fine. We didn't actually EVER have an "exclusivity chat" - I just surprised myself and him about 3 months in by telling him I loved him (it just sort of came out of my mouth, and then I realised it was 100% true) - he was delighted and said he felt the same, and here we are.....

I guess what I am saying is, if you can take all the pressure off your internet dating - expect very little apart from the opportunity to go on some nice dates, have sex if that's what you want etc - it takes a lot of the stress away, so that love, if it is there in seed form, can grow organically? That may be impossible I know....

If I am ever in the position of looking for a relationship again, I probably wouldn't use OLD for that, though I would still use it for hooks ups if I wanted no strings fun. I get the impression from friends who use OLD that it has gone downhill from even just a few years ago, in terms of the number of catfishes, liars and pervs (both male and female). If I was looking for a committed partner and a full relationship, I might try:

• reconnections with people from my past such as colleagues, school friends etc I have on social media. This has worked for me in the past a couple of times - people I knew only vaguely at school or through clubs or former colleagues, who always fancied a bit, and then I have spotted they are single- find an excuse to message them about something they post, then see if the chat flows...
• meeting people in the wild - in the pub, at gigs, even just on public transport (I will chat to anyone, and if I am attracted and sense they might be too I am quite happy to offer my phone number - most people are flattered, so even if they aren't keen they just make a polite excuse, so it's never been embarrassing).
• possibly through work - if I liked someone at work I would make sure I attended work socials etc - never anyone I worked too closely with though for obvious reasons.
• set ups from friends - can be hit and miss but again has worked for me in the past at least twice... I am bi and actually have only met women this way now I think about it; don't know if women are more open to trusting their friends to set them up on a blind date?

I do think the best thing though, however you go about looking, is to not look too hard, and wait for love to find you..... But I appreciate that that can be incredibly hard at times.

Good luck!

Sorry, just saw that two of my suggestions - set ups from friends and meeting people through work - you have already said won't really work for you.

I also noticed you do have kids. I actually met one guy (it didn't develop into anything much, but was fun) as he was the (single) dad of my daughter's friend. And my daughter's dad is now in an LTR with a mom from our daughter's old primary school class!

So the school gate does have dating potential too! Not blind to the possible messiness of this though - your kids may not appreciate you hitting on their friends parents if it doesn't work out.....

But single dads at after school clubs etc could be an option? Depends how old your kids are obviously......

When they asked what I did I was deliberately vague and when they asked whereabouts I worked I just said something like 'maybe I'll tell you one day, but not yet' and they all seemed fine with that. I did however talk about jobs I'd done in the past so I had stuff to talk about.

I met DH as we were flatmates in a large shared house in the city. Most of my friends met theirs at university and are still together 20 odd years later. My SIL lived very rurally in her 20’s and 30’s and met her DH through a quite expensive introduction agency.

I’m no expert, but the problem here seems to be that you want to meet someone for a relationship but you’re using hook-up apps and going to theirs and having sex straight away.

You say your DC’s can not be off putting due to your age but for some blokes kids might absolutely be a deal breaker. I’m well over 40 but a man with kids would still be a hard no for me.

I think the ‘evening class/hobby’ thing is not very realistic, but perhaps a cycling club or something else that attracts men might be an idea.

If you want a nice guy, why are you meeting and having sex with men who send you dick picks???

Dating at that sort of age means that most people will have had an issue in a previous or previous relationships. It depends on the issue doesn’t it.

Also I think kids would put some men off, you haven’t said their ages but probably still at school. Lots of people just don’t want to parent other peoples kids, I wouldn’t. Once they have left home that’s different.

I would say you are on the wrong apps. Tinder is known for being a hook up site. I have a friend that swears by Bumble as the men can’t message you but I never tried it. From POF, I had a high level of unsolicited pics & random (very unwanted) offers. I had a bit of success with Match and paid for it for a bit which I think resulted in a more serious dating crowd rather than those that weren’t that bothered or just in for a fun time. I got recommended OKCupid. It gives you a picture & then initial useful information eg location, age & poss drug use. Then there’s the opportunity for them to write quite a long bio under categories. There’s also hundreds of questions you can answer which gives you a % match to the other person & you can see all their responses plus comments. I think it gives you a much better idea of character than other sites. Also they can’t properly message you till you’ve liked them so you can stop the horrible messages & unsolicited pics. They can send a short sentence if you haven’t liked them but I just ignored that section. There are restrictions unless you pay but I didn’t find I needed to.

I’d recommend:

• trying different apps
• carefully word your profile to give the impression you want (not trying to play games or worrying too much what will put them off)
• read theirs in detail to look for hints of the type of person you want (having a list is a good idea- mine was only in my head)
• chatting on the site maybe for a couple of weeks or so before arranging a meet up but to be honest I let them ask me (I might have done if I was ever keen but didn’t need to). I’d be chatting to about 4/5 people but once I’d agreed to meet up with someone I’d focus on them till I’d decided if it was going anywhere
• I only moved to what’s app with the people I ended up going on multiple dates with (less risk of kids seeing & they should have put enough photos up in their profile so no need for more)
• first date needs carefully choosing, I think a drink is best as you can look at each other (a walk didn’t help me assess chemistry) & def not a meal as that can take too long
• most men expect sex by date 3 which I’m not that keen on (from that perspective of having a deadline/expectation) but I definitely would avoid sex before that.

You've mentioned not drinking much now. I think if you explain why then someone that would suit you would understand. I have a drink but have the odd non-alcoholic gin or water between so I don’t go overboard. If it is about hangovers then one or two should be ok but obviously if you don’t want to then it shouldn’t be an issue to the right person. You could consider putting it in your profile but you may decide it’s better to explain.

I also think you need to get pickier. No photo is a definite no but I also avoided any with too many other people in (either scrubbed out or not). If this is important to them then making sure they have a few solo photos can’t be too tricky. I avoided any that gave off “I love myself vibes”. So ones that were more casual not too posed. Ideally a minimum of 4 to 5 photos. I also didn’t rule out ones that were borderline as I know some people look better in person (I don’t think in that photogenic).

In terms of bio then nothing which suggested they’d be burned or were fed up with dating. I only looked at ones that specifically said they were looking for a relationship. Also someone with a bit of humour & self deprecating.

In terms of type of person I decided someone my age ish in a similar situation to me (re Kids - both having them & childcare share, location, job wise) would work best and that seems to have been true. I’m also in my 40s with DCs that go to their Dad’s a fair bit (not sure if that makes my advice more helpful to you but it can’t hurt).

It is possible but it does take a lot of effort from my experience. I’d have patches of trying and then give myself a break. Having other stuff on helps. I live near a city but not London so maybe that gives me a bigger dating pool.

Good luck and happy to answer more questions. I read through the posts & you’ve been given some good advice. The one that was most different to me was the one they said there were more looking for a hook up. I think I’ve got to the point where I’m not looking for Mr Right but Mr Right Now. So someone to spend some spare time with now & enjoy it but don’t stress about the future. If it doesn’t work out then there’ll be someone else out there. People are breaking up all the time changing the pool of men.

Oh believe me, you'd know if you were on a real hook- up app - I'm thinking of adultfriendfinder, fabswingers, Fetlife, feeld and no doubt others I don't know about. The dating apps have a lot of people looking for hook-ups on them but that's different.

Tinder can go either way (never used it but i know a few relationships that started there), Bumble and Hinge are fine - I liked hinge, never liked the vibe of Bumble. You're too young for Ourtime which is where I met dp.

I also hear that things have changed post Covid and it's harder to meet anyone on there, but there was always good dose of luck involved. Agree with treating it like a fun hobby and get on with life otherwise.

Hi I'm struggling with this too.
I have a good social life. But I don't have many single friends so it's hard to go to places where you might meet someone. Im 55 separated a year but felt on my own for the last 6 years so though I understand friends telling me I need to be happy on my own first, I'm craving the couple stuff and connection Ive missed for so long - not with just anyone of course. I did meet someone on bumble, right guy wrong time 🤷🏼‍♀️
Past year has all been about getting through the separation practically, now im sorted in my lovely new home I'm honestly not sure what's next. I feel so very flat.
But not sure when to give it another shot.
The only thing missing from my life is someone at my side

Feeling your pain!

I'm trying speed dating & singles events as have my own horrors from online.

I can't find any speed dating events but I would try that but not sure I can do singles event without a single mate to give each other confidence and have a laugh

Going by mumsnet, men are almost universally obsessed with cycling, so if you could take that up it might help!

It's tough though. In 15 years, I've only ever had one relationship come out of online dating and it didn't last. Every other experience has been excruciating.

I would stick with church if you have the time. It's a good way to widen your local social circle, which in turn could lead to meeting people outside of actual churchgoers.

If you aren't into sports yourself, my area is always looking for volunteers to help with the local parkrun or similar.

Activities like taking a writing class or a language class might help you meet some interesting people. Some group classes have being held online since covid, so that might be an option if you're stuck for time/childcare.

@Opentooffers I'm not having sex with men who send dick pics 😅 I'm saying one of the less positive encounters I've had was that I was chatting to someone on the app, we moved to WhatsApp, and then he pretty much immediately sends me an unsolicited pic of his manky penis. Then I blocked him!