Do men care about weight / looks ?

[Goolagoo]

I have some insecurities. Like a lot do.

I was always very slim , took a lot of pride in my appearance ( in all honesty probably spent more than I could ) . My husband is very attractive . As I’ve got older , progressed in to quite a stressful career , busy being a mother ( we don’t have children together ) I feel I’ve let myself go. I do still take pride - wear make up daily , do my hair etc, get my nails done … but not as much as I did ( I used to have Botox , fillers , lips ) . I don’t think I look dowdy at all, just not as glam. I used to wear heels all the time - now I go for comfort a still kind of stylish , but more like leggings / hoodies or dresses in the summer . My main thing is my weight , I’ve put a bit on over the years , I used to be very skinny , now I’m like a size 12 ( in between a 10 and 12 but more toward the 12 ) .. I have a belly , it used to be flat now it’s like dough ! I have bingo wings . I lounge around the house in mismatched pjs where ever I can … whereas it used to be silk robes etc .

I can’t afford all I used to and I don’t have the energy. I’m just bothered about enjoying my life and spending time with my family . I’m not unhappy - I do wish I looked more like I did but at the same time I don’t want to spend my life on a diet !

My husband still wants me as much as he always has ( admittedly I think I’m in perimenopause so our sex life is suffering a bit ) … he always calls me beautiful , is always affectionate , always wants me - but I can’t shake this feeling that I’m not what I was . He always tells me that I’m the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen , that I’m sexy etc but sometimes I look in the mirror and just think “ how can he still think that “ ??

He is absolutely gorgeous . I know women look at him all the time . He has put on a bit of weight and obviously - as we’ve been together 10 years - he has changed. But he is still the same to me … do you think that’s what it’s like for him ? Like I say he has put a bit of weight on but I just don’t look at him any different but I can’t accept that it’s the same for him - I always think he most look at my rolls when I sit down or feel my belly hanging when I’m lay on my side at night when we’re cuddling and think I’m so much different !

You do your hair, makeup, you're a size 12. You are very far from "having let yourself go", even if that was a thing, which it isn't. If you're not bothered to do more grooming now, because it sounds like you have better things to think about now, that's a good thing. It reflects the fact that you achieve more in the wider world, through your work, bringing up and supporting your children, than you did before as a young thing.

As you move through adult life you see that people whose main field of agency and achievement is their own looks are not as mature as people who put their energy into other stuff. You're more of a person now, as you should be, than when you were younger and had only yourself and fillers and botox to bother about. That's something to celebrate not berate yourself about.

Maybe your husband finds the you now, with maturity, knowledge, wit and skill infinitely sexier than the earlier slimmer groomed version? Maybe the you who has been through life with him gives him a deep peace and sense of erotic joy that can only be achieved through years of being together.

You have still got the hangover of your younger years though, when it seemed that you valued yourself based on your looks and expected other people to do so as well. Looks like your husband doesn't value only one conventional highly groomed youthful form of looks. (Or, I dunno, maybe he is incredibly shallow and appearance oriented, whatever, because you are still a size 12 well groomed beautiful woman it sounds like!)

In general I'd say try to broaden your horizons even more, try to value things beyond the beauty standard you have and try not to worry. And enjoy your life and your fit gorgeous husband and be grateful for your health and ability.

Thank you - that’s a really lovely reply! Not a way I would have ever looked at it so thank you ☺️

I could have written this. Only I’m a LOT bigger than you. I’m a size 22 now, having been a 12 for most of my life. I had a thread myself about something else and I realised that I am feeling very insecure because of numerous things, including my weight gain and chronic illness.

My husband has never given any indication he doesn’t find me attractive, even though I look in the mirror and want to cry. We’ve always mirrored each other weight wise over the 20 years we’ve been together yet at the end of last year, he began losing weight and is now fit and slim so I feel like things are unbalanced and he is ‘better’ somehow. It’s shit feeling like this. And although rationally I know it’s years of societal/patriarchal conditioning, it doesn’t help me feel any better.

Hope you feel better soon.xx

Some men will care more than others, just like women. It sounds like your husband still finds you attractive. If you are overweight, it's best to lose weight for your health though.

To be honest, maybe he prefers your more natural look now? I as a woman really dislike the botox, fillers, lips, high heals look and I know many men who feel the same!

Your husband told you and acts in a way that confirms he desires you why do you ask about men in general? If you are getting less male attention then yes it would be from your appearance and energy, looking stressed and unapproachable, scowling maybe or not making eye contact. There are men who want their wife to look the same or similar, there are men who feel an emotional attraction that they are still attracted after changes, there are men who like their wife in a range of sizes.

My advice is put effort in your appearance,don't wait til you are slimmer treat yourself today, buy the nice clothes for this body now because avoiding sex due to body insecurities and being negative will push him away.

If he is a decent man- and it sounds like he is- then he will value that wobbly tummy for what it is- a reminder that you grew and birthed his children.

Also, just talking about the weight and size thing: I constantly diet. I was overweight when younger, and have to work quite hard at the age of 50 not to be so any more. I'm now a size 12, and have been doing OLD on and off for about 5 years. Many are the men who have confessed to me that they're not attracted to fat women. I've always thought that a bit tactless, seeing myself as fat, but I have come to realise that when most men say fat they really mean obese, or nearly so, and that they class a size 12, or even a bit larger, figure as well within the scope of attractive.

Many are the men who have confessed to me that they're not attracted to fat women.
Yeah they see it as a compliment because you're clearly not fat to them. Men do this in reverse too telling fat women that they don't like skinny women, I even had white men say they don't like dating white women. To me it's a redflag when he puts down other women's characteristic as a way to boost mine.
In your 50s, a size 12 is rarer than 20s and 30s so is really slim for your demographics. I assume the op is younger and an apple looks heavier at 12 than an hourglass size 14 IMO.

I've been with DH for more than 20 years. Of course neither of us are the same as we were in our 20s, why would we be?

I'm quite sure he mostly still sees the 21 year old he met. He loves me for all that I am, the history we have together, and the future that will come - what size trousers I'm wearing isn't really relevant to him.

I'm fairly confident that you look better without the Botox, fillers and lips. No one wears heels anymore. They're very dated.

He probably prefers you as you are now.
Many don’t like the fake lips/lashes/ botox / full make up look.
Less is more.

And size 12 is slim. Try to enjoy life OP. I used to feel like this about my weight and when I look at back at old photos I think I looked great but just didn’t appreciate it.

If he liked her skinny and glammed up chances he still likes that look but also likes her now
Men can have a wide range of types of women they like.

My dad used to say to my mum that he still saw her as the 20 year old that he had married - I genuinely think he meant it (they were married almost 60 years when he died).

In answer to your title question
Yes. By and large they are shallow fuckers, more so than women in general.
However you may have found a decent one. Plus if he already loves you then that carries weight and you don’t sound to have changed drastically since he first decided you are attractive.

Do men care about weight/looks?
Yes, despite what's being said and how rules changed, they do massively.
The first question a man would ask himself still today is "Is she pretty, is she slim?"
Not "Can she talk to me about politics or accounting, or can she cook".
All this comes second.
I know it's rage inducing and degrading (I cannot spell misogynist), but that's what it is.
I keep the good work for myself, because
I no longer care about neither do I need a man in my life.

Men do care about looks, bit they don't all care about the same looks. For every man who wants a size 8 gym bunny, there will be one who wants someone who has softer, rounder curves. Some men like make-up, others are less bothered.

I'm female, and I'm also fairly choosy about men's looks - some people suit me, others don't. They may not be traditional pin-up material, but they are what I like. Likewise, I have friends where I don't see what they find physically attractive in their men - but they do, and they're the ones in those relationships, not me, so it doesn't matter thst I can't see it. Looks are only initial attraction though. Someone might be perfect looks wise and a complete loss as personality. It's the whole package which is important in the end.

By and large they are shallow fuckers, more so than women in general.

Seriously? When women stop being so rabidly obsessed with a man's height they will gain the right to accuse men of being shallow for caring about weight and looks. At least a woman has a degree of control over her weight and looks. Whether she chooses to exercise that control is, of course, down to her. A man can do nothing about his height but by there way women talk you'd think any man shorter than 5'11" was some kind of lazy deadbeat who hadn't tried hard enough!

Anyway, do men care about weight/looks? Some do, some don't. Of the ones that do, that doesn't mean they all want women who look like Victoria's Secret models. Some men who care about weight have a preference for larger, curvier women. I prefer slim/athletic women, which my best mate can't understand as this typically means small boobs and he can't understand why a man would be attracted to a woman with small boobs. We all have our own tastes.

The only fairly universal preference among men is that none of us really like excessive amounts of makeup, botox, lip filler... anything fake basically.

Personally I think it's the same as women. Not every man is shallow not every woman is shallow. I think people, men and women, prefer people comfortable in their own skin.

Lockdown I think put an end to heels and the need to dress up glam, I'll occasionally wear some boots with a heel (that I can walk in) but day to day it's trainers or flat boots.

Size 12 isn't fat. Perimenopause is a fucker for your body shape and weight though and your view of yourself so you have my sympathy (I'm going through it and go through days of hating how I look).

OP This sound like it could be the beginning of perimenopause affecting your confidence. It can play havoc with your mood as hormones are all over the place at this stage. If you feel this might be he case then hrt is your friend and can help a lot.
You sound in a good place in your life though, and secure, loved and desired in your relationship so thats great. Oh and size 12 is fine and your husband obviously thinks you are gorgeous. Actions speak louder than words and from what you have written he shows you this so believe him!

Sounds like your husband still fancies you. You need to get comfortable in your own skin, life progresses and changes. For most happy couples it’s the emotional intimacy and the feeling that you are with someone who will be with you come hell or high water that starts to matter more.

DW was a petite size 8 when we first met, 4 kids and many years later, she’s a 12/14, really dislikes her belly boobs and bum, often comments that she looks fat, I genuinely don’t care, she still looks great to me but I do understand that she doesn’t feel like that

And you are rude. Plus you have clearly have not read my full post.

Man here, yes looks are important but it's the connection (for me anyway) that is the key. I do have a type, normally blond, and not a fan of tomboy look, lots of tattoos etc...

My last GF blew my mind in terms of looks and my pre-conceived ideas. She was pretty, blond but in many other ways not my type at all. Slightly taller than me, and often would wear little/no makeup. Clothes wise, not my style - she did have quite big thighs and she hated her legs so at best only ankles were on show. No shorts or dresses (other than long ones). In terms of some of that totally not my type. But I quickly fell in love with her as a person and it surprised me how I didnt care at all.

In the past I probably would have been conscious of that, or her not looking 'glam enough' but the connection we had and the way I felt made no difference at all. I never saw big thighs or anything just an amazing person who I loved. I am sure your husband thinks that same.

You may feel you are not as pretty as others, have more lumps and bumps than you would like, but a good solid relationship will mean that doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter what other men think. Your hubby finds you attractive that's all that counts.