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Original poster

Do men care about weight / looks ?

33 replies

Goolagoo · 15/07/2024 20:09

I have some insecurities. Like a lot do.

I was always very slim , took a lot of pride in my appearance ( in all honesty probably spent more than I could ) . My husband is very attractive . As I’ve got older , progressed in to quite a stressful career , busy being a mother ( we don’t have children together ) I feel I’ve let myself go. I do still take pride - wear make up daily , do my hair etc, get my nails done … but not as much as I did ( I used to have Botox , fillers , lips ) . I don’t think I look dowdy at all, just not as glam. I used to wear heels all the time - now I go for comfort a still kind of stylish , but more like leggings / hoodies or dresses in the summer . My main thing is my weight , I’ve put a bit on over the years , I used to be very skinny , now I’m like a size 12 ( in between a 10 and 12 but more toward the 12 ) .. I have a belly , it used to be flat now it’s like dough ! I have bingo wings . I lounge around the house in mismatched pjs where ever I can … whereas it used to be silk robes etc .

I can’t afford all I used to and I don’t have the energy. I’m just bothered about enjoying my life and spending time with my family . I’m not unhappy - I do wish I looked more like I did but at the same time I don’t want to spend my life on a diet !

My husband still wants me as much as he always has ( admittedly I think I’m in perimenopause so our sex life is suffering a bit ) … he always calls me beautiful , is always affectionate , always wants me - but I can’t shake this feeling that I’m not what I was . He always tells me that I’m the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen , that I’m sexy etc but sometimes I look in the mirror and just think “ how can he still think that “ ??

He is absolutely gorgeous . I know women look at him all the time . He has put on a bit of weight and obviously - as we’ve been together 10 years - he has changed. But he is still the same to me … do you think that’s what it’s like for him ? Like I say he has put a bit of weight on but I just don’t look at him any different but I can’t accept that it’s the same for him - I always think he most look at my rolls when I sit down or feel my belly hanging when I’m lay on my side at night when we’re cuddling and think I’m so much different !

OP posts:
NoSuchThingAsTooManyDogs · 16/07/2024 14:57

Not every man is shallow not every woman is shallow.

Its not shallow not to be attracted to overweight people. It's just personal preference and we can't help what we are attracted or not attracted to.

Bobbotgegrinch · 16/07/2024 15:17

Thinking like this is going to be your downfall @Goolagoo .

My DP is at her most attractive when she's not worrying about her appearance. Whether that's because we're on a night out and she's put a lot of effort in, or because it's the next morning and she's too hungover to care that her hairs all over the place and last nights mascara is smudged all over her face.

Or maybe it's because she's absolutely engrossed in a jigsaw, or screaming at the TV because DD is beating her at Mario Kart.

Or because she's still in that blissed out state after really good sex and hasn't come round enough to pull the covers over her belly, or simply when she's fast asleep.

Those are the moments when she's really, truly beautiful. The moments when she manages to put all the anxieties about her appearance out of her head for a minute or two. The moments where I can just admire her without getting a "What are you looking at", or a "Yes, I know I need to lose some weight", or a "This top doesn't suit me any more"

Your husband fancies you. Not the makeup, the fillers, the nail polish, the clothes, the hair dye, the botox, the heels. You.

Original poster
Goolagoo · 16/07/2024 16:50

PeepChirp · 16/07/2024 09:25

Your husband told you and acts in a way that confirms he desires you why do you ask about men in general? If you are getting less male attention then yes it would be from your appearance and energy, looking stressed and unapproachable, scowling maybe or not making eye contact. There are men who want their wife to look the same or similar, there are men who feel an emotional attraction that they are still attracted after changes, there are men who like their wife in a range of sizes.

My advice is put effort in your appearance,don't wait til you are slimmer treat yourself today, buy the nice clothes for this body now because avoiding sex due to body insecurities and being negative will push him away.

Oh gosh no not at all - I wouldn’t even notice anyone else looking at me and I have no desire to be attractive to other men , I just meant is it a thing, do men feel like I do where I don’t see any changes with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Goolagoo · 16/07/2024 16:51

ChangeUsername123 · 15/07/2024 20:34

I could have written this. Only I’m a LOT bigger than you. I’m a size 22 now, having been a 12 for most of my life. I had a thread myself about something else and I realised that I am feeling very insecure because of numerous things, including my weight gain and chronic illness.

My husband has never given any indication he doesn’t find me attractive, even though I look in the mirror and want to cry. We’ve always mirrored each other weight wise over the 20 years we’ve been together yet at the end of last year, he began losing weight and is now fit and slim so I feel like things are unbalanced and he is ‘better’ somehow. It’s shit feeling like this. And although rationally I know it’s years of societal/patriarchal conditioning, it doesn’t help me feel any better.

Hope you feel better soon.xx

I hope you do too xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Goolagoo · 16/07/2024 16:54

NoSuchThingAsTooManyDogs · 16/07/2024 09:13

Some men will care more than others, just like women. It sounds like your husband still finds you attractive. If you are overweight, it's best to lose weight for your health though.

I’m certainly not overweight - but I do think I see myself as bigger than I am . To me , I feel huge ,. but realistically I know I can’t be , just going by my clothes even as yes , there are clothes that no longer look as good on me as are a bit tighter / smaller but I don’t have anything that I can’t physically get into aside from maybe a few things from many years ago . I do also know that there was a point I was too thin and I didn’t feel comfortable then either . My husband has said before that at certain points I was far too thin and I look at photos and I know I was but then in my head I’m down that that’s an acknowledgment that I have put on weight, even though I know that and I know he isn’t saying I look worse now but I can’t seem to take it in the right way

OP posts:
Original poster
Goolagoo · 16/07/2024 16:57

Bobbotgegrinch · 16/07/2024 15:17

Thinking like this is going to be your downfall @Goolagoo .

My DP is at her most attractive when she's not worrying about her appearance. Whether that's because we're on a night out and she's put a lot of effort in, or because it's the next morning and she's too hungover to care that her hairs all over the place and last nights mascara is smudged all over her face.

Or maybe it's because she's absolutely engrossed in a jigsaw, or screaming at the TV because DD is beating her at Mario Kart.

Or because she's still in that blissed out state after really good sex and hasn't come round enough to pull the covers over her belly, or simply when she's fast asleep.

Those are the moments when she's really, truly beautiful. The moments when she manages to put all the anxieties about her appearance out of her head for a minute or two. The moments where I can just admire her without getting a "What are you looking at", or a "Yes, I know I need to lose some weight", or a "This top doesn't suit me any more"

Your husband fancies you. Not the makeup, the fillers, the nail polish, the clothes, the hair dye, the botox, the heels. You.

Thank you , that’s a lovely reply and nice to hear from a man’s point of view .

I do wonder sometimes if I’m actually being off putting by obsessing . He has said to me before that he gets fed up of telling me I’m not fat or unattractive as he says it so much and that it’s actually horrible for him to hear me put myself down so much when I’m putting down something that he thinks is amazing and also he wonders what more he can do as he always compliments me but it makes no difference

OP posts:
Bobbotgegrinch · 16/07/2024 17:46

Goolagoo · 16/07/2024 16:57

Thank you , that’s a lovely reply and nice to hear from a man’s point of view .

I do wonder sometimes if I’m actually being off putting by obsessing . He has said to me before that he gets fed up of telling me I’m not fat or unattractive as he says it so much and that it’s actually horrible for him to hear me put myself down so much when I’m putting down something that he thinks is amazing and also he wonders what more he can do as he always compliments me but it makes no difference

Show quote history

Constantly pointing out your own perceived flaws isn't likely to be having a positive effect on your relationship.

DP never used to be able to take a compliment about her appearance. Any time I called her beautiful, she'd have some reason she wasn't. So I stopped complimenting her, as it seemed to spark negative feelings for her. That didn't go down well with her either! She is better now, and tries to accept compliments in the way they're intended.

Everyone has insecurities about their appearance, but going on about them to the person you really want to desire you isn't the best idea. I can think of at least 5 things I really hate about my body, but I do my best not to let DP know that. As far as she's concerned, I think I'm gods gift, even though I'm trying to suck in my belly and acting like the scar down my cheek makes me look rugged rather than really fucking ugly.

NoSuchThingAsTooManyDogs · 21/07/2024 19:15

I’m certainly not overweight

You said you had rolls when you sat down and your stomach feels like dough. It sounds like you have excess fat to have rolls and thats the only reason I said if you're overweight then you would benefit from losing weight for your health.

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