Disagreement in a casual relationship, weird comment from him?

[Kindsofweirdness]

ive been seeing this man for about 4 months now. I am admittedly very avoidant in relationships and dislike the thought of “needing” someone, so I can come across as uninterested (so I’ve been told). A relationship has never been mentioned, but there is an expectation that we see each other every weekend and talk everyday.

Anyway, we argued on Friday about something that needed to be rearranged, and I said I just wanted to speak about it another time as I don’t like arguing over the phone.

He started sending me multiple messages saying that my way of dealing with disagreements wasn’t good and that he was not happy with my lack of commutation generally. Again, I said I was sorry and could we talk another time. He was persistent. I said I feel like we’re arguing like we’re in a relationship but we’re not, how is this fun for either of us?

he replied “you constantly make out you don’t want a relationship, so don’t put that criticism on me. You can change that if you want to”

the last bit threw me - is he saying he wants a relationship? Or saying that I need to cut things off with him?

he has asked to meet with me tomorrow and I don’t know what to think

It sounds like he is open to the idea of being in a relationship with you. You need to decide if that is what you want. It also sounds like he's a little bit cross that you haven't wanted to call your friendship a relationship. I hope you and he manage to find a way to communicate about the thing that needs re-arranging.

He should have respected your wish to discuss it face to face as opposed to on the phone. He didn't let it go either. He sounds spoilt. Was he stomping his feet at the same time?

You guys need to talk

But you are in a relationship already! It might not be a committed, exclusive one, but it is a relationship of sorts.

He maybe got pissed off with you dictating that you wouldn't talk about an issue at that point and could you leave it ? That kind of thing would irritate and upset me too. Did you have a time fixed to meet up?

I hear that. We were seeing each other yesterday but that got cancelled after the conversation we had. I just find it much better to talk in person when the issue has blown over and we’re not acting out of proportion? I understand why it might have pissed him off though.

On the flip side of your need to avoid/shelve any difficult conversation, perhaps yer man here is more comfortable to clear things up in the moment and not have negative energy/unresolved stuff hanging over him.

"You can change that if you want to"

That's his way of telling you that you need to change yourself in order to fit in with what he wants.

After a comment like that, I'd be changing boyfriends.

I said I feel like we’re arguing like we’re in a relationship but we’re not

I don’t think you’re compatible and I think you need to end things and then hold off dating until you’ve worked out what you want. As a first point, you shouldn’t be having arguments this early on, and especially not ones which are protracted over several days because you want to avoid the subject. Secondly, most people who had been dating somebody for four months, spending most weekends together and talking on the phone most days, would consider themselves to be in a relationship with that person. I’m all for not assuming things after a handful of days, but this is four months of regular dating and relationship-building through daily communication. Something isn’t right with it if you’re confused he might consider what you had more than casual friendship.

No I take that as he would be willing to make it an exclusive proper relationship but the OP is the one who wants to keep it casual.
Sounds like he’s more invested than her.
Also he is probably an advocate of never go to sleep on an argument and wanted to resolve it straight away and got annoyed with the let’s do this another time approach.

I read it as he’s saying you have the option to make it a relationship. He sounds frustrated with you and I would be too OP.

Either walk away or make it a relationship, if that’s what you want. Don’t leave the poor guy hanging if you want different things. You shouldn’t be arguing so early on

For me he wants a relationship. He's saying you've just got to say the word and it would become that under his expectation.
I think if he didn't want to be with you he'd say you're not committed enough, so I can't handle it if it's not gonna get serious. He may say something like that when you meet.
It's up to you if you want it to go further, but don't feel pressured.

It feels like he wants to be in a relationship and from what you’ve described then you actually are and he’s frustrated that you don’t see it that way.

Why would it have to be in person? I can understand through messages, but why not just talk it out on the phone? Why don't you like arguing on the phone?

It sounds like an excuse to prolong the argument. I would be annoyed if something was left unresolved until YOU said so, that's not how communication works.

Whiel I am usually 100% Team Woman, I'm not sure here.

You see him every weekend and talk on the phone daily - that's a relationship. The fact that you've never discussed it but he has responded the way he has makes me think he has tried to discuss it or to suggest it's a relationship and you have batted that away (eg persistently calling him your "friend" or getting annoyed if he suggests more).

Then you're having an argument about plans and you decide you are done with the argument. Except, that means you then can't get together because the plans aren't made or are up in the air? Of course that's annoying. It's all very well saying, "i want to talk about this when we're calmer" but that's not in the slightest bit helpful when you then can't arrange it.

You're clearly not that into him, or not willing to admit that, and seem to expet him to accomodate all your needs and wants. He doesn't want to. So perhaps you're not compatible.

I'd be hurt at someone saying they weren't in a relationship with me when clearly they were.

You're in a relationship op. I'm with him.

I was in a "relationship" like this for 3 years and it was so frustrating. Didn't know where I stood, a kid at a function asked if I was his girlfriend once and he said yes, but we were never official, never used the L word in 3 years, it was a bore in the end and I ended it in the May, met someone else in November and 6 years later I'm engaged with 2 beautiful daughters, situationships suck, shit or get off the toilet so to speak.

decide what you want or move on

Seeing him for 4 months, meeting on a weekly basis and talking every day IS a relationship OP.

I can understand why you want to talk about disagreements in person but maybe make that clearer in your communications? "Can we shelve this and talk about it when we next meet?" perhaps?

Sounds like you're scared of commitment. That's a you problem, not a him problem. You will end up pushing him away if you don't confront (within yourself) why you're afraid of commitment. It sounds like he's already getting a little hacked off with they way you're being but giving you the benefit of the doubt.

If it's him specifically you don't want to commit to then set him free.

I've similarly been seeing someone and I upset him, because he said he sees me as his girlfriend and I said I didn't, giving him reasons why - which I did by text, because I am better at expressing myself that way, and face-to-face, it can be hard to get a word in edgeways sometimes. I thought we were just seeing each other for sex, and I'd expect a lot more put of him (and rather less flakiness) if we were really committed. Though any changes have been rather thwarted by covid (both of us) and then a family member being in hospital.

I am okay with discussing changes in expectations, as long as it's a discussion, not an argument. but you need to have that discussion and it sounds like your communication styles aren't really aligned.

Exactly - he wants a proper relationship and he's asking the OP to change her outlook in order for that to happen.

It's never a good sign when someone asks you to change your behaviour this early in a relationship.

I said I feel like we’re arguing like we’re in a relationship but we’re not, how is this fun for either of us?

he replied “you constantly make out you don’t want a relationship, so don’t put that criticism on me. You can change that if you want to”

You sounded as if you were complaining that it is no fun arguing like a couple when you are not a couple. You sounded like you were complaining that you are not a couple. When it is clearly your own fault if you're not a couple. Personally I think it's fair enough for him to defend himself against the perceived criticism.

If you want to know for sure what he thinks about being a couple, do the adult thing and ask him. You're avoidant for whatever reasons, but if you want to develop as a person, you're going to have to do something about it; take a chance, step out of your comfort zone. That's what makes a relationship/life meaningful. Seek help if you need it!

This is a relationship! What do you think a relationship means?

He's taking your statement that the two of you are not in a relationship as a personal criticism. It isn't. The fact is, you don't want to call it a relationship, despite the fact that others might (and might be sure they're right. Why people here think they know is beyond me. You could be spending 24/7 together, but if you don't call it a relationship, it's not)

It looks like he wants it to be a relationship and is frustrated when you do things he sees as un-relationshippy. If you're avoidant, that's just going to make you want to avoid him, isn't it?

You are in a relationship. People who see each other every week and talk every day will eventually come into minor disagreement. You can't refuse to resolve it because you're 'not in a relationship', tbh that sounds like a cop out.