Disagreement in a casual relationship, weird comment from him?

[Kindsofweirdness]

ive been seeing this man for about 4 months now. I am admittedly very avoidant in relationships and dislike the thought of “needing” someone, so I can come across as uninterested (so I’ve been told). A relationship has never been mentioned, but there is an expectation that we see each other every weekend and talk everyday.

Anyway, we argued on Friday about something that needed to be rearranged, and I said I just wanted to speak about it another time as I don’t like arguing over the phone.

He started sending me multiple messages saying that my way of dealing with disagreements wasn’t good and that he was not happy with my lack of commutation generally. Again, I said I was sorry and could we talk another time. He was persistent. I said I feel like we’re arguing like we’re in a relationship but we’re not, how is this fun for either of us?

he replied “you constantly make out you don’t want a relationship, so don’t put that criticism on me. You can change that if you want to”

the last bit threw me - is he saying he wants a relationship? Or saying that I need to cut things off with him?

he has asked to meet with me tomorrow and I don’t know what to think

"There is an expectation that we see each other every weekend and talk everyday"

You're already in a relationship @Kindsofweirdness , whether you've defined it as such or not. You may not be exclusive, or may not be introducing each other as boyfriend / girlfriend / etc, but there's definitely some form of relationship going on here, and I'm reasonably sure your not-a-boyfriend thinks so too.

As a result, he's expecting to be able to deal with conflict as is healthy in a relationship, by actually talking about it, but instead he's just being stonewalled by you, which can be really frustrating and upsetting.

How is it not a relationship?

Any interaction between two people is a relationship. Whether its between partners, family, friends, business / customer, employer / employee. Any form of interaction between two human beings is a relationship.

And this particular relationship involves the two people meeting up frequently at mutually agreed times, so it's an ongoing relationship.

Furthermore, while the OP hasn't explicitly spelt it out, I'm reasonably sure this isn't just friendship, and involves dates and possibly even sex, so it's a romantic relationship.

OP and her bloke may not be boyfriend / girlfriend, they may not be "going out", they may even be just Friends with Benefits, but they're definitely in some form of ongoing romantic relationship.

Well, yes, @Bobbotgegrinch

You and I are in some sort of relationship right now, because we're communicating with each other.

I think there are lines between the word 'relationship' (which exists between any two people who attempt to relate to one another, in any way), and 'being in a relationship' (which has many meanings, from FWB to committed for life)

Nobody can tell a person they are in a relationship if they don't feel that they are. It's ridiculous. It's a decision to be made by the couple; it's an agreement between them. And that's where the problem lies with OP and this bloke. He feels it's a relationship, she doesn't. It's not that one is right and one is wrong; it's that they disagree on how it feels to them. And that's why we can't tell OP she's in a relationship: because she doesn't feel like she is. So it's disrespectful to tell her she's wrong, because we don't know best about her feelings. She does.

Sorry to talk about you in the 3rd person, OP.

I feel like we’re arguing like we’re in a relationship

I don't really understand this point of view.

You can disagree and deal with that disagreement respectfully, how does being in a relationship (or not) change that?

How does whether you are in a relationship change your preference to talk in person and his preference which seems to be to 'get things cleared up'?

You sound a bit like my now DH whose preference turned out to be just to ignore differences whereas I prefer to talk them out. I thought we were discussing and agreeing a way forward while he was just ignoring the differences.

Appreciate that I'm projecting here but you don't sound compatible to me.