Paedophile apologist?

[NCmybloodyfather]

Name change for this in case outing.
I suffered CSA at age 12 through to 18, at the hands of 3 different people, all people in positions of trust. Two one off incidents and one prolonged over years. My parents knew about one and did nothing to stop it. I made a disclosure about another when I was in my 20s, and barely anything was said.
Then my father made a comment a few months back that a teacher in the news accused of CSA had probably been set up, and in my anger I made another disclosure because the other abuse I suffered was by a teacher. My father heard what I said and literally changed the subject. Like I hadn't said anything.
I have been low contact since then.
Tonight, when I went to see my mum (who is bullied by my dad) he said that he was having 'a problem' with a facebook incident, and went on to explain that he was annoyed that a post he made was removed from a group because it was praising a local convicted paedophile. He praised him because he liked him and despite his crimes this man had made many positive contributions in his life, apparently. He was upset that the post was taken down. I asked him, what about the victims, and he sort of shrugged his shoulders. I got up and walked out.
We have had several nasty fallouts about his minimising of CSA, and yet he does it again. To his own child who was abused on his neglectful watch.
I'm already pretty low contact with him, but am now seriously considering going NC.
I just can't stand it anymore.
What would you do?

I probably would go NC. He can think what he likes about the convicted man, but to have that conversation with you when he knows what you went through.. I can't think of the words for that.

Two things;
First, you don't have one bad parent and one good parent who is a victim of bullying. You have two parents who are flawed human beings,
And second whatever you decide to do, you can't trust either of them with your children.

Go no contact. It’ll never change and you’ll constantly get triggered. Take it from someone who went NC with 2 family members because of this exact reason.

Neither of your parents protected you from CSA. That's unforgivable. I suggest you get counselling and keep away from them.

Thank you for the response. Yes that was the most flabbergasting thing about it. Imagine saying such a to someone who is an actual victim of the crime - and your own daughter! He hasn't been in touch to apologise either. I think I'm done...

Thank you for the response. Oh I've had years and years of counselling, and had to have more recently because of his behaviour. I asked for a financial contribution, and didn't get one. I don't understand him. Or my mum, really. If something like that happened to one of my children I'd do anything, absolutely anything, to try and help them through it. Ho hum.

Thank you for the response. How did extended family and friends etc respond? You're right though, the triggering is insane and massively impacts my life. Why should I have to put up with it? I never asked for this!

I know. This is the thing I find hardest 😫. I know my mum is equally to blame, and that being weak and a victim of coercive control is no excuse for turning a blind eye to CSA. But there's a part of me that feels sorry for her and as an only child with barely any family (apart from my two wonderful children), the thought of cutting them both off feels daunting.
But when I visit my mum (I only went yesterday because she's been in hospital) it means I have to see him too.
She shows more regret and contrition than he does, but still doesn't get it.

So basically what happened me was 2 of my family members kept in close contact with the man who abused me (he was a family friend) and kept it secret (so they knew what they were doing was wrong). My grandmother who is like a second mother to me defended them and my aunt told me that my accusation was ‘my perception’ of my abuser.

my relationship with my granny has gone to bits. I got married recently and she rang me a few days before the wedding to say she wasn’t going because I wasn’t inviting half of her children and that hurt like absolute hell. What was the alternative? Have those family members at the wedding and feel triggered and unsafe on my own wedding day?? She ended up going to the wedding but the whole family dynamic is strange. It’s horrible and it’s hard but trust me you need to put yourself first and you will have to face awkward conversations and be so strong but please trust me it is sooooo much better for your mental health

for example, since I have come to terms about cutting people out, I drove to my grandmothers about 2 months ago and my aunt was there and it didn’t cost me a thought just driving on by and going home. Its a pity our relationships have soured but anyone who can be a rape apologist is not someone I want me (and since my child was born especially him) to be around.

@Wtfmothernature thanks again for taking the time to respond and I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. You have been very brave in the way you have dealt with the situation with family members, and I'm glad it's brought you peace.
I only see my father on his birthday and at Christmas usually, but went there yesterday because my mum has been ill, and straight off he says something unforgivable.
My mum came after me to the car and apologised on his behalf but within half an hour was texting me about what was on the telly, as if nothing had happened. Meanwhile, I was in bits, of course.
It's all so shit...

My family do the same. My aunt actually bought me a wedding present and a present for my son and text me and all on his birthday as if nothing had happened. I was like is this arrogance or stupidity or what?? I just text her back and said thanks but no thanks. Trust me it gets easier to distance. Their continuation of normality is not normal or ok.

he said that he was having 'a problem' with a facebook incident, and went on to explain that he was annoyed that a post he made was removed from a group because it was praising a local convicted paedophile. He praised him because he liked him and despite his crimes this man had made many positive contributions in his life,

This is raising huge red flags with me. I don't think he is an apologist. I think he most likely looks online himself and this might explain why he doesn't care about your feelings but does care about a paedophile's feelings. Be very, very careful if you have children. I'm sorry OP and I really hope I'm wrong.

I have wondered that too but have no reason - other than the bloody weird behaviour - to think that.
The only other thing I've wondered is was he abused. And in trying to push that down he's minimising it for everyone else.
He's absolutely always made excuses for paedophiles, be they in the news or known to us. Kind of "i know it's awful, but..." And then there's 'well speak as you find i always got along with him; he made a huge contribution to xyz; i'm sure he'd never have acted on it; that's how it was back then' etc etc.
I could stomach those kinds of responses slightly more easily if he didn't have an actual daughter who has suffered CSA and who has told him time and again about the devastation it's caused!!!

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Sadly, I don’t think this is uncommon. I think for some people it’s because they are genuinely in denial that something bad has happened, so they just sort of stick their heads in the sand. Some find it so distressing that they just can’t even consider how someone else might feel. For some, it comes from a place of unprocessed trauma of their own. Others are just thoughtless jerks.

I had a very similar situation in my family. I experienced abuse as a child and was assaulted as an adult. My mum went on to marry a convicted paedophile. She knows what he did. He confessed to her. She knows he has offended again since they have been together. She thinks he’s wonderful and it’s fine and everyone makes mistakes. She posts really performative bs on Facebook about supporting survivors of CSA, but is completely dissociated from the fact she’s married to a man who did this to a child. When speaking about my own experiences of abuse, she literally can’t process them, like can’t understand why I would be upset. It’s like something shuts down in her. She is cold and avoidant. Personally, I do think it’s because she has her own pain to deal with that she’s been running from. But I can’t force anyone to heal.

Ultimately, yes, I did go NC with her. Obviously, it’s a much more complicated situation as she and her partner pose an actual risk to children (including my own). But I’m very comfortable with the decision. It’s been really healing for me actually.

He's absolutely always made excuses for paedophiles, be they in the news or known to us.

Nope. Red flags OP. Being waved proudly. I am so sorry.

Yes. I suppose I have to look at that, don't I.
But also, with my father, he's an intellectual snob who looks down on everyone if they are not a towering intellect like he thinks he is. It's almost as if he thinks that getting upset about paedophiles is a bit hysterical and for stupid people who read the tabloids. Especially if the paedophiles in question have some sort of intellectual standing.
But i accept that it's a bit of a red flag...

He sounds like a sociopath. He thinks getting upset about CSA is 'hysterical' and can see a paedophiles good points. He ignores his own daughters abuse and doesn't care.

Just keep away from him. He's not going to provide any answers and he's highly dysfunctional.

@cupcaske123 Yes, I think that's about the size of it really. I've been waiting all my life for him to change/realise/understand and it's just a waste of energy isn't it.

It's an absolute waste of your time. Focus on healing and grieve the dad you never had because you've been so let down.

Gosh that's pretty bloody incredible isn't it. How are people able to compartmentalise things like this? CSA over there = bad, CSA under own nose = well, just a bit of a mistake.
So sorry for the abuse and then for the re-traumatisation via your mother's relationship.
Thank you for your considered response x

Sorry, I think so too.

The “bloody weird behaviour” is a reason. I would cut contact, especially as you have children.

What would you make of a situation where a small child is in the bath with their father and the father allows the child to walk small plastic animals across his penis as a game. Would you think that was inappropriate and lacking in boundaries, or would you think it was potentially encouraged and abusive?

Sailing very close to the wind as a game but, and it’s a big but, if the child was able to walk plastic animals across the “bridge” I’m assuming he must have had an erection and therefore 100% totally unacceptable.

@urbanbuddha I don't think so. But don't remember well enough either. But i remember it enough for it to be a childhood memory that was always played on my mind a bit.

If I found out DP did this I would put a stop to it immediately. I have to add the caveat that I can sometimes be overprotective of children.
I think the basic point is if your father makes you feel undervalued and uncomfortable it’s best to keep away.