Paedophile apologist?

[NCmybloodyfather]

Name change for this in case outing.
I suffered CSA at age 12 through to 18, at the hands of 3 different people, all people in positions of trust. Two one off incidents and one prolonged over years. My parents knew about one and did nothing to stop it. I made a disclosure about another when I was in my 20s, and barely anything was said.
Then my father made a comment a few months back that a teacher in the news accused of CSA had probably been set up, and in my anger I made another disclosure because the other abuse I suffered was by a teacher. My father heard what I said and literally changed the subject. Like I hadn't said anything.
I have been low contact since then.
Tonight, when I went to see my mum (who is bullied by my dad) he said that he was having 'a problem' with a facebook incident, and went on to explain that he was annoyed that a post he made was removed from a group because it was praising a local convicted paedophile. He praised him because he liked him and despite his crimes this man had made many positive contributions in his life, apparently. He was upset that the post was taken down. I asked him, what about the victims, and he sort of shrugged his shoulders. I got up and walked out.
We have had several nasty fallouts about his minimising of CSA, and yet he does it again. To his own child who was abused on his neglectful watch.
I'm already pretty low contact with him, but am now seriously considering going NC.
I just can't stand it anymore.
What would you do?

Thank you for the responses. It really helps with working through things x

Something similar playing out in my DH family. The person who was abused was for years the 'crazy and difficult one' but now that the truth is coming out I see the entire situation differently. Just CSA and pompous men and enabling women everywhere. It is horrible to witness. And far too common. The recent news about Alice Munro underscores this. OP sometimes the healthiest thing you can do for yourself is to just take a step back and go NC. Protect yourself, protect your DC if you have them. Good luck.

What?! My parents were full on hippies and seeing them naked was normal, taking baths together when very small was normal.

Walking toys across a penis is NOT normal.

Thanks for drawing my attention to this, really interesting and helpful. This piece is especially good:

www.vox.com/culture/359588/alice-munro-daughter-andrea-skinner-gerald-fremlin-sexual-abuse

@IamaRevenant Yeah, that's what I thought. Hippy family here too, so trying to work through what it all was.

OP I am so sorry you had to go through this.

I would cut contact with both your parents if I were you.

Your mother is in denial and your father sounds seriously dodgy.

They did nothing to protect you when you were a vulnerable child which is appalling and your father is supporting abusers.

Bluntly from I would really be concerned that he is sympathetic to these men because he has similar tendencies. What you describe in the bath is not appropriate behaviour from a father.

If you can get yourself some therapy to get support in processing your childhood and memories.

Lacking in boundaries and any encouragement is skirting the line of abusive.

It is normal for loving parents and children to bathe together. It is normal for children to be curious about adult bodies (especially opposite sex bodies) and even try to prod them or look.

It is then most appropriate for the adult to say "oops, that's daddy's body, it's not a toy, let's put your animals up the edge of the bath" or similar - bodies are normal and it's okay for family to see them (as long as we both feel okay about it) and be curious, but there's a boundary that children don't touch intimate parts of adults and that some parts of our bodies belong just to us.

Sorry you're in the quandary, OP. I had abusive parents, but not sexually abusive as such. I do think in your situation I would go very low contact with the pair of them. The hardest thing I found was to let go of the hope that they would change or that there might be be some way to get through to them. Therapy knocked that right out of me, and low contact gave me the time to heal as much as I could.

I feel sick on your behalf just reading that, bathing together while very young is normal, as is curiosity about bodies. However, being encouraged to touch genitals is absolutely crossing the line, I'm sorry this has happened to you.

@NCmybloodyfather sounds like you've broken the cycle and are a great empathetic switched on human / mother.
I'd go NC in this scenario they've made their bed they can lie in it

You have 2 parents who were, and continue to be unsupportive. Your DF may have been SA and by being an apologist for that ghastly behaviour is the only way he can "justify" it to himself?

Whatever, VLC/NC is the only way forward to protect yourself and your DC. If any flying monkeys want to know why tell them that their unsupportive behaviour makes any relationship untenable.

Yes I think this is where I am. Whatever the reasons for his behaviour, the outcome is the same for me isn't it. And a relationship with him just isn't sustainable...

Thank you for your kind words. Having my children was how I realised how dysfunctional my parents are, because there is no way on this earth that I would treat them as I have been treated. My parents have said that they weren't cut out to be parents, as if that somehow excuses their behaviour. I on the others hand have loved and do love being a mum, and have a fantastic relationship with my children - something that is my proudest achievement. I have been a single parent for most of it because of course I married a sociopath just like my dad, didn't I. Not abusive in that way, but cruel and controlling. He left, thank goodness, and had no desire to have contact with us. So it's just me, the kids and dog! And my good friends. So I have much to be grateful for.

Thank you all for your unbelievable kindness and really high level thoughts and advice. It's really helpful. I have had lots of therapy over the years but stuff still comes up that I need an emergency sounding board for, and this thread has been fantastic.
Thank you for taking the trouble to respond and my heart goes out to those of you who have suffered similarly.

I think there are people who are detached from other people’s emotions. They can grasp ideas intellectually but don’t have empathy for others.

So they can grasp medical ethics, but do appalling research ’because it’s worth it’.

Accept that a great artist is an abuser, and separate the art from the artist- allow the abuse to continue so the art continues.

They are the kind of people who think queer theory, pushing boundaries, is all about intellectual freedom and development, and totally ignore that boundaries protect people.

Boundaries are, apparently, for other people. They are above them.

Your dad has absorbed that way of thinking- that what he does is fine, what he likes is good and he knows best.

The damage done to children by pedophiles is just an abstract, unimportant side effect. Not ideal, but not the end of the world- don’t make a fuss.

I’m so sorry. Honestly, I think you are retraumatising yourself every time you go there. You are colluding in the idea that it didn’t matter, it wasn’t that bad. What he thinks is more important than you.

You matter. You are important. He is wrong. Step away.

@KeirSpoutsTwaddle I'm not sure at all about conflating queer theory with CSA, although I understand the overarching point you're making. Theory vs real life harm. Thank you for your kind words.

OP that story haunted me because of the parallels in my DH family (minus the being famous/nobel-prize winning bit!). I am the DIL of the abuser, not the child of the abuser. But I made a choice to stop centering this person and his version of reality and ally myself with my SIL who was abused. I no longer see him or speak to him or attend family gatherings. I am a people pleaser so this was hard for me. But I have never looked back. I realized that the most powerful part is not having to be complicit in this fake story anymore of him being a hero/intellectual titan/arbiter of what is reality. I don't have to sit around and listen to him bloviate anymore and watch my MIL prop him up. True freedom! Good luck - you have really had such a hard time - keep us posted.

@lifesrichpageant you make a very interesting point about how hard this stuff is when you're a people pleaser. And it's especially tough when you're trying to 'win' a parent over to love and care for you as they should. You get into all sorts of destructive habits and forgive people for the most hideous things.
You're right about the freedom of not centring these awful people. I have been pretty low contact for a while now but got sucked back in because my mum is ill. So I'm done now. It has to end here.