Help me get through the next few hours please

[Ladybughoping]

I posted on an old thread but I think it’s been buried so I’ve started this out of desperation.

Husband has just left after I asked him too and I’m broken. I’m in house with my son (he’s on his computer so largely unaware) but I need to hold it together.

i want to call him and beg him to come back already. I just feel sick. Please help me get through the next few hours and put one foot in front of the other. There’s no one I can call anymore, I don’t have any one in real life x

Hey, I’m on a train and can chat a while. You’ve done a massive thing and you’ll probably be in a bit of shock so can you do something small for yourself just now like make a cup of tea, coffee or a warming drink?

I'm sure you've done the right thing. Why did you ask him to leave? Do you feel safe?

Hi. Here to hold ur hand. What’s the back story?

I’m sorry you are going through this, I haven’t see your old thread but would it help you to write here what has lead to this?
I think it always feels easier to go back to what is familiar but if you do that you will be back in this exact position in a few weeks or months x

If you asked him to leave there must be a good reason, well done for standing your ground,

He had an affair last year and we have tried to make it work, but he’s angry at me every time I struggle lately - if his phone pings I’ve been on edge, he said he’s done everything right, but he’s stopped reassuring me and trying I guess.

He spent £80k of our savings last year, I have no idea how I’m going to cope.

i love him so much, a small part of me clicked that it shouldn’t be like this though. That if I am finding it hard, his last reaction should be anger and telling me to get over it. That small bit of courage and realisation is being buried by my anxiety though!

Thank you all so much for replying and distracting me. I’ve taken my propanol, but I’m spiralling a bit and I need to stay strong and not call him to come back.

OK so he had an affair, gets angry with you because you haven't got over it, and burns money.
You DEFINITELY did the right thing OP.
Big hug, big handhold. One step at a time. Have you had anything to eat for the last few hours? Got anything lined up for dinner?
Oh, and you are amazing - well done for asking him to leave.

Sending hugs and you will look back on this brave lady…honestly, better you’re going through this now than realising in decades’ time that you should’ve done this earlier. I say this from experience (did this in my early forties with two kids). I was terrified of waking up in my seventies thinking just how unhappy I am and hating him. I really feel for you coz it’s bloody bloody hard but you will come through this 🥰🥰

You have both made me cry. I don’t know if I’ve done the right thing but part of me must think I have or I wouldn’t have said it to him? I hoped it would have given him a kick up the bum to realise what he was losing, but he’s just driven off to goto a hotel. He wants me to tell the kids. We have 4 between us but just our son living at home. The older 3 are going to be devastated, they knew about the affair and it damaged their relationship so badly with him. I’ve just fed the dogs and made son some pasta - I want a glass of wine but it’s too risky incase I fall apart. I don’t know how to fill the time will this feels better?

I’m passing through the Lake District. So pretty but missing some sunshine!

I love it over there, have you had a nice weekend? What were you doing in the lakes? X

Please call a RL friend and ask them to come over and be with you tonight.

You are in shock of course but that doesn’t mean you have done the wrong thing. It’s only natural that you are scared and upset.

He wants you to tell the children?

What a coward.

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. It sounds like you've done the right thing.

@J0S

Did you not actually read the OP?

There’s no one I can call anymore, I don’t have any one in real life x

you're just making it worse!

This advice is good. I can relate after finding out a year ago my husband was having an affair - you’ll be in shock for a while but you need to stay strong and be in control. Don’t let him control the scenario. If he tries to come back, you’ll be forever walking on eggshells. I think you need to keep him at arms length, let the dust settle while you adjust and gather your thoughts. Then be decisive about how to move on, protect your finances in case he’s further depleting them, sell your house in due course if you have to and garner support from any local likeminded ladies you might be able to make friends with on forums/meet-ups. If you action a divorce, do so online on the gov.uk website. It will cost you £600 to start the process and you will still need a lawyer. Good luck to you.

You know you’ve done the right thing. Hopefully hearing it from other people will help just a little bit. Let me be another one - you’ve 100% done the right thing.

That’s what I feel like, that even if I’m falling apart I need to stay in control. He’s just messaged that he loves me and I want to reply that he should have fought for us then, but he knows that already doesn’t he? I need to not reply I think, or he’s drawing me back.

I moved about 300 miles away from everyone when we got married. I have lost touch with everyone really because he’s done more stuff than what I’ve mentioned and it’s slowly isolated me. We moved again a month ago and so I don’t even know a neighbour here. We are really rural. There’s literally no one in my life except the kids now really.

My first dh spent all my money and repeatedly cheated on me. I was devastated, thought it had ruined my life but I got through it and my life is so much better now. You can survive this, have that glass of wine and a nice long bath, make sure you eat something, you have to look after yourself and start putting yourself first. Sending love x

Just seen your updates OP.
You have been through a lot. More than 1 betrayal within the relationship and breach of trust wrt to an affair and money squandering on the sly.
If he really wanted to repair the damage done he would have to accept that you are hurting and struggling to move on. The impact of his actions is so devastating that it’s not going to be like before. Any recovery would need masses of time and support to heal. Professional support is probably what’s needed but if something in your gut has told you he needs to go then you MUST listen to it. It’s all we have to guide us and keep us safe.
Don’t doubt yourself. Your instinct is to ask him to leave and you need to listen to this 6th sense. You will rebuild and recover and seeing yourself manage this on your own will actually build your confidence and self belief on a daily basis. My mum has had the most wonderful life on her own terms after separation. She is so happy, independent, busy, fulfilled.
You will achieve this too. A partner that causes suspicion or puts you on edge and blames you for reacting the way you do is not worth your time. You deserve the best. Don’t ask him to come back.
You CAN do this.
The kids - you don’t have to tell them straight away. Take time to get your head around things first. You will miss him in many little ways and that’s ok, but overall keep reminding yourself that this is for the best.
Ways to keep busy

• tackle the doom piles
• go for a walk
• bake a loaf of something
• tidy up the garden or some pots
• go to garden centre or ASDA and get pots, soil and plants and plant something pretty to look after and cheer you up every day.
• have a shower/bath/treatment w hair or face mask.
• call an old friend
• start a journal to record all of this. Write it down. It really helps and is incredible to look back on 3-6-12 months down the line.

We're all here for you x

@Ladybughoping

Stay Strong!! Keep talking to us, DO NOT call/text/contact him. You'll regret it.

It's hard, it hurts, it's lonely, scary and generally just hideous. BUT it does get better, you WILL be ok, better than 'ok'

unfortunately, many of us have been where you are, the good news is we've popped out the other side!

mine was very apologetic & sorry, at first and we decided to 'try again' it didn't take long for him to be fed up of me being hurt by it & not trusting him etc. one day he dropped the mask and said 'oh For Christ sake I just want to put this to bed' red rag to a bull!! I replied something along the lines of 'if you hadn't put her to bed we wouldn't be here now. Go to your mothers, or hers , I don't much care, but you're no longer welcome in my bed!! Fuck off'

The time in between the affair & that moment destroyed me more than the actual affair.

but, like you. Once he left I wanted him to come back, I wanted the person he was before & the future we should have had!

Eventually your heart catches up with your brain and you do get through this horribly raw stage. Honest xx

Had a fab weekend in Manchester! Loved it. Such an interesting city. Loved all the red brick and industrial architecture. Friendly people and relaxed vibe.

Don't be rushed into making any decisions or be rushed into telling kids/anyone. He can tell them if he wants to but don't let him tell you what to do. Take things at your own pace, although I'd make sure you know how you are fixed financially and take the opportunity to look through stuff while he's out of the house in case he's been hiding anything. You aren't alone, you have us, there's usually always someone to talk to on here. I've found mumsnet a lifesaver in the past when I've needed to talk to someone. At the end of the day it's between you and him if you get back together but take a bit of time to think about what you really want x

I found out that for the first 6 months of our relationship he was living with another woman. I had a miscarriage and he said he couldn’t come as he had his kids but he was with another woman, when we first got married he was still married to his ex wife and he said he “forgot” - we had this huge wedding and had to get a celebrant in at the last moment rather than it being legally binding. When we did the legal bit later he was already sexing other women. We literally have enough money to last another 5 weeks as he spent all our savings. I’ve put aside enough for next terms school fees but I’m genuinely terrified and I don’t know how to proceed. The house is paid for till November (rented) but after that I can’t afford it.

That’s the bad stuff, well some of it. The good stuff was that he had started seeing a counsellor and was making so much progress. I thought we had never been stronger, but I think that’s only the case if I toe the line and don’t bring up the past. I don’t know if that’s being fair. He has tried so hard, but it’s his whole life of being this person - I don’t know if he knows how to change really and truly.