Warning signs after first date?

[notamumyet2010]

Hi everyone, would really appreciate your thoughts on this.
A couple of weeks ago starting talking to a guy on a dating app. Seemed nice, only issue was it seemed like a few times he wasn’t reading my messages properly as he would then either not answer the question or repeat a question I had already answered a few messages back.
Anyway quite quickly he mentioned meeting up, ok I thought, bit sooner than normal but sometimes it makes sense to see if there is any spark there.
On Friday we went out for dinner, he offered to pick me up twice but I said no it’s fine. He gave me flowers which was sweet and we sat down. He seems nice, but I did wonder if maybe there is an additional need there from the way he was speaking. I tried hard to figure out if there was and I’m not quite sure.
We spoke throughout the meal, he was friendly and kind, gave me the menu first etc, opened the door for me.
We spoke a little about his son, and he started saying what a rough time he had with his ex, she didn’t want him to have anything to do with the boy, he went to court numerous times and she reported him to social services twice (from what I could make out). They were together 2 years and she got pregnant in the November and by January she left him. He said she just wanted a baby. He said how she’s nuts etc and has done the same thing to another man and she turned his son off him and for years the little boy would cry when he had him. He did say this year had got a lot better and he now has him for one day and one overnight EOW. He also said it made him nearly lose his job (he is in security-cameras/alarms etc)
He also spoke about another ex, who had been cheated on and how she was very insecure and blew up his phone non stop, and turned up on his doorstep.
At the end of the night he walked me to my car and kissed me, saying afterwards “Oh you like me then” and laughed.
The next day he asked me to come round to his to relax. I said no I’d rather wait until we have been out a couple more times.
He has messaged me lots since and called me once (I didn’t answer the call but have responded to some of the messages)
I don’t know what to do…..I feel like the social services/ex chat is just such a warning sign! I work in children’s services and know a bit about procedures and of course there is a chance she is out of order but if he was a nice guy why would she leave him straight away?
And the amount of contact-it’s too much after one day, I don’t need 20ish messages per day.
What do you think I should do?

Tell him he's nice and you like him as a person but the spark isn't there for you.

Red flags all over, send the sorry not right fit message and block him.

Yeah he sounds like a loser. 'Thanks but not for me.'

Block and move on
No more thinking needed!

Most women don't leave the father of their child on a whim. Too many women choose to look past such a blatant red flag. It is good you are questioning it.

He wanted to pick you up on the first date - red flag.
He wanted you to go over to his on the second date - red flag.

He has lots of drama with his ex/exes - red flag.
He has had dealings with SS - red flag.

He sends 20+ messages a day - red flag.

Doesn't look good.

I don’t know what to do

Really? I genuinely don't understand this. He makes you uncomfortable, he sounds fucking awful, and yet you're asking strangers what you should do. You already know. You know you need to get rid of him so do it and don't give him a second thought.

So many red flags! Wish my friend who has just gone through a horrendous divorce had listened to red flags. Turned out is was almost certainly not his ex who was a ‘pyscho’, it was him who was abusive and just generally a terrible partner.

I’m sure you can do so much better! I Would block him once you’ve said you don’t think you’re compatible.

You're obviously not comfortable here

Trust your gut

You’re right I do know what to do. It’s just people in RL tell me I have too high expectations so it makes me doubt myself. People say I always get the ick and no man will ever meet my standards.
But you’re right, I should trust myself more.

I don't see a problem with the flowers, they're a nice gesture. He also sounds considerate, giving you the menu first and holding open the door.

The talk about the ex's is inappropriate for a first date. He went into far too much detail about his ex and their son. He could have been unlucky, who knows. I would be wary of his language eg was he calling her names or crazy or making other disparaging comments?
Does he sound like a decent dad?

The messaging sounds a bit much. It's up to you OP. You've noted some possible red flags, you could nip it in the bud or see him again and see how it goes.

All of this.

I'd cut ties straightaway.

I agree I liked the flowers and thought it was nice, as well as the door thing etc. I’m trying hard to remember his exact wording, it was basically how she is well out of order and nuts. He didn’t call her anything else tho. Not that I can remember anyway. The picking up and inviting me round has made me wary truthfully, I read here once that a decent man will know a women needs to protect herself with an unknown guy and encourage her to do so and it really stuck with me.

How dare those people say that to you. Why should you settle for less? I imagine their OHs leave much to be desired

It appears that he has a history of not being forthright with women on previous dates, which has led to issues later on.

Alternatively, he may be overthinking the situation due to past trauma with women.

I must apologize for saying this, but I have raised five very open sons and have encountered various scenarios. I have learned that people and personalities are not an exact science.

You should directly ask him why he sends multiple messages.

Additionally, express your irritation with men who accuse their ex-girlfriends of being irrational.

There are faults on both sides that contribute to personality clashes. It would be preferable to consider this perspective.

It is evident that you are interested in this individual, but something is causing hesitation. This could be due to past experiences.

Understand that when someone comes with emotional baggage, questions arise.

Examine the situation from all angles and ask the appropriate questions before making a decision.

Consider whether it is worthwhile to continue the relationship or end it.

Male privilege mean that some men simply don't consider how their behaviour makes a woman feel. Some women would accept a lift on a first date and he may consider it gentlemanly to offer. Inviting you to his might be over enthusiasm, I doubt he thought you'd put out after meeting him once. Again the texting is too much.

I don't like the fact that he called his ex nuts, how did he describe the other ex? I'm always wary of how men talk about women, it's a big indicator of misogyny which will eventually affect how they treat you. If a man starts to call women b*tches, they can eat my dust.

Ultimately OP, listen to your gut. Don't ignore your intuition. If you want to see him again, then tell him to cut down on the messages and pay close attention to his language. If the red flags continue, then dump and run.

She was also referred to as nuts.

You’re right when I was younger I would have been grateful and said yes. As we get older I guess we just know more terrible stories!

That's not good.

Massive, massive red flag. Literally one of the top five classic red flags on a first date. Along with several other things he's done.

Stop second guessing yourself already. He makes you uncomfortable and weary. That means you need to walk away now before you get in over your head. Don't be your own worst enemy.

I swing between totally thinking this to wondering if they are right and you have to compromise! Plus I’m in no way perfect lol.

Run like the wind would be my advice. So so many reasons to avoid.
Trash talking his ex on first date would be enough for me.

If you are already unsure about this man and he’s making you feel even a tiny bit unsafe dont ignore that. Never mind SS involvement and his lack of parenting.
Ss and ex wife and calling her nuts are all a red flags and telling you that much on a first date is also a red flag

Tell this guy you are not feeling it and goodbye. Too many red flags and you really need to get rid of him.