Unreasonable behaviour?

[S67]

Hi
Just looking for some opinions on if this is reasonable or not

Background...4 year relationship, I have a now 13 year old daughter from previous relationship.

A few months ago I asked him if I could go to a concert with some friends, giving him flight times of going 9am Saturday back 6pm Sunday.

At this point, in Feb when booking the flight tickets we didn't know if my daughter would be with her dad that weekend or not a july weekend, as it was her dads turn to choose the summer dates.

It turned out she was with me

Bf thinks I am.unresonable for booking a late flight back, as he will now be looking after my daughter.

I am pretty upset that he can't do me this favour I have said I will look for a solution and have ended up.booking a new morning flight back which is 5 hour difference in my orginal flight as well.as organising playdate for al.day Saturday for my daughter so he won't have to think what to do with her.

Was I unreasonable to expect him.to have my daughter for the weekend?

If you live together then he's the one being unreasonable.

She's 13, not 3, and doesn't need looking after like she's a little kid needing to be entertained and supervised all day.

fuck me op

leaving my 13 year old daughter with my boyfriend of 4 years who isn’t keen on having her

what are you thinking

prioritise your daughter fgs

do you have a 13 year old?

A few months ago I asked him if I could go to a concert with some friends, giving him flight times of going 9am Saturday back 6pm Sunday.

putting the issue with DD aside for 1min….WHY in gods earth are you asking permission in the first place??

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to watch her for a day, she’s 13.

I'd be more comfortable arranging a sleepover at one of her mates houses, or literally getting an overnight babysitter, before I'd want my unwilling boyfriend to be in charge of my 13 yo. It's not great he doesn't want to do it, but he's being honest about it.

it was the weekend

presumably she was asking for childcare

Would her Dad not change his days?

If he initially agreed he'd do it for you, and you do him similar favours then yanbu.

What's the rest of the relationships like. Between you and him, and him and your daughter?

He might be more willing to have her if he knows she's being left with the boyfriend!

Does he regularly look after your DD for you? If not then yes, yab very u for expecting him to for a full weekend. If yes then I would ask, not expect. To expect shows entitlement from you.

You should have swapped weekends with her DF. This is not your partners responsibility.

the OP wrote as if she was asking new partner…maybe I read it wrong

she said a few months ago
they’ve been together 4 years

I find it strange when couples live together with DCs but won’t chip in with childcare. It can’t be nice for the children.

15 years ago I did, yes.

How is the DD with him? Because if they didn't have a good relationship I could understand his reluctance. Teen years can be a minefield for some partners to navigate.

It's not your partners responsibility to look after your daughter. You need to sort something out with her dad or arrange childcare.

I don’t think you were being unreasonable. It’s not like this was thrown on him at the last minute.

You’ve been together 4 years so, unless your relationship has been really casual, at this point this isn’t an unreasonable ask. You obviously wouldn’t even think of leaving your daughter with him if you weren’t comfortable with the idea or thought your daughter wouldn’t be comfortable so it is strange that he seems so put out.

He shouldn’t have gotten into a relationship with someone with a child if he wasn’t willing to take on some kind of parental role after 4 years.

I think you need to have a frank discussion with him about the role he sees himself playing in your daughter’s life. If there is a disconnect between the the role you want him to have and the role he intends to have then you need to be aware of it. Especially as your daughter is entering her formative teenage years when stable paternal figures will have a big impact on her development and self-image.

It could also be that he is willing to take on a more parental role but he is just a bit intimidated by the task and finds the idea of an entire weekend daunting.

so might explain
although not really
why you think a 13 year old girl left alone with her mother’s boyfriend of 4 years who doesn’t want to be with her…is no big deal and she can just look after herself for the weekend

That's not what I said. What I meant was that a teenager doesn't need anywhere near the level of input that a little child does. So this man doesn't need to 'look after' her with constant supervision in the way he would have to if she were a toddler, for instance. Just being in the same building overnight would be enough.

Someone of 13 is far more independent, can legally be left alone, can organise their own food, wash and dress themselves, get themselves up in the morning and to bed at night, go and see friends if they want to, and I dare say they would probably have a phone if they wanted to speak to their parent.

The other point I was making was that this man is being an arse. You'd think after four years he'd be nice enough to help the OP out. But it seems not.

i would not be happy with my 13 year old sorting out all her own food for the weekend; taking her self off and about to friends over the weekend and being left alone for most of the day if he had plans for instance

no way. My 13 year old is still very much a child that needs to be looked after

YABU my partner doesn’t look after my 13 year old.

I think she should stay at her dad's that weekend. Possibly swap weekends.

Of course u r, it’s yr daughter and ur weekend, too busy wanting me time!