Don't let anyone live inside your head???

[FlowersInTheShower]

I've been in a long term abusive relationship and escaped some years ago. I've done counselling, courses, the freedom course. I'm really to start dating again and I feel fairly sure that I know what are red flags and can spot them ok (I hope).

I've been advised to 'not let anybody live in my head' - what does this mean? Like, I understand in terms of my ex that even now I feel myself hearing his voice about things I'm doing and I have to give myself a shake, but when it's a new person, who is nice, isn't it normal to think about them, and what they think about stuff, and maybe consider what they like and try to do stuff they'll like? Is that letting them live in your head? If not - what is? I need to protect myself because I do have a history of making bad decisions and allowing myself to become lost and subsumed by a man's wants and views, and I'm determined that will never happen again.

The expression is more about voluntary ruminating and over analysing every single situation and detail.

So deliberately thinking about x incident, what did it mean, could it have meant something else, why did it happen, I should have done/said this, what does it mean and so on on repeat. Or always reverting back to a negative voice and stopping yourself from doing something because so and so said it's stupid,cheap, useless etc. to the point that so and so is still affecting your life and decisions long after they're gone.

Going past a shop and seeing something your partner would like and thinking/acting about that isn't the same. Or similar considerate gestures.

Oh thank you. That's super helpful

Putting someone else first when you don't need to is part of it.

Like, maybe, you avoid eating mushrooms because new guy loathes mushrooms. Avoid mushrooms when he's there, but eat them as usual when he isn't.

Carry on developing your own preferences and hobbies, don't build your life around someone else's.

My take on it, is that it involves thinking about the other person so much that you end up putting their preferences and needs first above your own, to the point where you are losing touch with your own needs and preferences and closing off from what you might need or what might be best for you. Losing touch with yourself.

And this. Don't lose yourself or forget about what you like ,what you want and putting yourself first.

Sure, it's nice to think about the person you love, and do nice things for them but not at the expense of everything else, particularly yourself.

By giving them headspace and constantly thinking about a person things ended badly with, you are letting them live rent free inside your head.

I get this, I think I recognise it in relation to my ex and have done a lot of work to stop that (mostly successfully)

It's with a new person I guess that I'm trying to understand, so that I can make sure I don't end up in a bad place again, change my own behaviour to enable an actual healthy relationship

I think I'm starting to get it, this is all so useful.

Like, maybe, you avoid eating mushrooms because new guy loathes mushrooms. Avoid mushrooms when he's there, but eat them as usual when he isn't.

So - the proper and healthy thing do so is to eat mushrooms around him in this example? Sorry if that's a stupid question. I can be quite dense at times.

Please don’t worry! It’s good to ask for clarification.

The proper thing to do is cook and eat mushrooms as much as you want when he isn’t there, and don’t serve him mushrooms.

In the middle is a grey area- banana makes me nauseous. I’d prefer not to watch someone eat one, or smell it. My family courteously avoid banana when I’m around and don’t leave smelly skins in the bin.

@FlowersInTheShower a good rule of thumb is not to be ruled by fear ... fear of being single, of not finding anyone else/better, fear of him cooling it off/losing interest/dumping you. That's when boundaries tend to lapse and he becomes the priority.

I wouldn’t stop anyone eating a banana when I’m there, but may tend to nip out for a walk 🤣. If family want me around they don’t eat bananas in front of me.

In contrast a friend had a Muslim boyfriend and he complained of he found out she’d eaten bacon when he wasn’t there.
Worrying about bacon when your boyfriend isn’t there would be prioritising them over you.

Oh I see - I had completely misunderstood. Yes this makes complete sense, as does the banana thing. Thank you

But it's ok to try to take an interest in things someone else finds important even if you wouldn't otherwise - is it?

So for eg. If man likes football and I would never ever take any notice of football normally, but because he is interested and wants to watch a big important match is it ok to sit and watch it and try to enjoy it? Not all the time, but for a significant thing or moment or match?

I have issues with lamb. OH very rarely cooks it at home(I will never cook it for him) and he gives me plenty of warning and has doors shut and windows open. I will never eat it. I have no issues if it's already cooked though (as long as I don't have to eat it or touching my food) so he's more than welcome to order it as a takeaway or in a restaurant. Compromise.

Ok, this is good.

I guess honesty is important? Like not pretending to like football in my example, saying I don't generally gaf about it but I'll try it for you?

I’d say, I don’t watch but will keep you company on the sofa if you like! And check he doesn’t want to go and watch it with company! It’s a big deal apparently 🤣.

Reciprocity is important. DH will read on the sofa while I watch strictly. I go upstairs while he watches Grand Prix Because I can’t tolerate the noise, but generally sit and read while he watches various band documentaries.

He tries not to make derogatory comments about fake tan and sequins, while I try not to laugh at the man on the mountain exclaiming about how very exciting it is to be standing the very spot- the very same spot- that general flimsy de whatsoever led the battle of long ago.

I don’t have to pretend to enjoy it, nor should I spoil his enjoyment by mocking it.

If you don't like football why on earth would you sit there wasting 90 minutes of your time? Would he do the equivalent?

@KeirSpoutsTwaddle that made me giggle. Very sound advice

I'm sorry - I don't know what appropriate boundaries look like in a healthy relationship and I'm trying to learn so that I don't either slip into bad habits or fuck things up by being utterly weird and not knowing how to behave

How long have you been single @FlowersInTheShower ?

8 years

I learnt, probably a bit to late in life, to stop asking myself if someone likes me. Instead I decide Do I like them. What do they bring to my life? Do I enjoy their company? I spent so long trying to get people to like me. Now I try to only hang out with people I like and value. I'm much less popular but I'm happy.

I was worried that maybe your rushing into something new but obviously not.

Love this ☺️

Did you ever watch Julia Robers in the runaway bride? The journalist interviews all her past fiance's and asks how she likes her eggs and every one says same as me xyz. The same with music. She changed herself to mine a mirror image of the men. She wasn't herself.

That's interesting. I definitely have that tendency which I am now aware of and want to change