Don't let anyone live inside your head???

[FlowersInTheShower]

I've been in a long term abusive relationship and escaped some years ago. I've done counselling, courses, the freedom course. I'm really to start dating again and I feel fairly sure that I know what are red flags and can spot them ok (I hope).

I've been advised to 'not let anybody live in my head' - what does this mean? Like, I understand in terms of my ex that even now I feel myself hearing his voice about things I'm doing and I have to give myself a shake, but when it's a new person, who is nice, isn't it normal to think about them, and what they think about stuff, and maybe consider what they like and try to do stuff they'll like? Is that letting them live in your head? If not - what is? I need to protect myself because I do have a history of making bad decisions and allowing myself to become lost and subsumed by a man's wants and views, and I'm determined that will never happen again.

A good starting point with all of this is to get to know yourself, your likes and dislikes, preferences etc. And learn to appreciate and value your choices and what is important to you. Give yourself as much or more attention as you used to give men. When you find yourself overthinking about a man and what they want, remind yourself to check in and ask yourself 'well what do I think about this, what do I want, what is my preference here?'.
Always be aware of not losing sight of what you want, in order to please the other person. Any situation has to be right for you, first and foremost.

And always remember, your feelings and choices are just as much valid as his.

That's so good @Domoda thank you.
Honestly, I need self care and boundaries first dummies 🤣

You're all being so very helpful

For not first 🙄

Good for you, @FlowersInTheShower

It took me ages, as I was brought up to prioritise someone else’s feelings. I genuinely struggled to develop my own interests, preferences, and assess my own worth. I was entirely dependent on someone else’s approval.

@KeirSpoutsTwaddle yes I can very much relate. It's quite hard work and a bit of a minefield trying to change it 😬😅

Thank you for the encouragement!

This thread has been so helpful to read.

I've been single 7yrs it had a FWB situationship this last year that has really messed with my head and emotions.

He currently is very much in my head still but I'm hoping with time and no further contact with him, that will fade.

Constantly thinking about someone. Becoming infatuated or obsessed. Not healthy.

Being with someone mea.s you should both be happy most of the time. It's gove and take, if you watch football with him, he should show an interest in netball for you for eg. If you make him a cuppa and run him a bath cos he's knackered, he should do similar when you're tired.