Middle aged DH personality shift

[whatshappeningtohim]

DH is mid 40s and I’ve noticed a gradual personality shift in recent years. It’s hard to put my finger on but his views now seem very stereotypical of an “old man”. It’s a bit like being married to Victor Meldrew (showing my age here!) He rants at the kids about wokeness and people being too sensitive these days. He goes on at length about manners, he complains about everyone as if they have some selfish agenda. It’s exhausting. Perhaps the worst part is that when he’s not being grumpy he’s constantly joking around so there’s no middle ground where we can have an adult conversation. The kids have mentioned it to me, but I don’t know how I can approach it with him, he can’t change his personality?!

Is this just normal middle aged stuff? He’s had some health issues recently - all lifestyle stuff and nothing cognitive

I’ve noticed this in my DH with certain grumpy old man tendencies that remind me of his dad; i said something to him about it as he has previously spoken about his dad shifting like that and it does make him stop and think but I do worry for the future a bit

I knew dh was he was 18. His 18 yo self would be appalled at his 58 yo self.

I do tell him this but to no effect. He’s a miserable sod.

I work with lots of middle age women and men and they are all the same really, always complaining and the same kinda things

Yep! I don't know why it is - the worlds changed too much and too quickly maybe?

I could have written this word for word.

I've got no answer for you but plenty of sympathy.

Yep my DH. It started around late 40s and got worse. It can be very draining.

I recognise this as well. I told my husband in all seriousness that I wanted an amicable separation as I couldn't spend the next 30 years with him like this. It shocked him out of his complacency, he thought he could behave any way he liked and I had to put up with it. I said I'd rather live on my own than with him behaving like this. He said he wanted to try to work things out so he is really trying hard to be better.

Yes to becoming like his Dad! Although his dad isn’t grumpy in the way DH is, he has got some quirks that I struggle with - like a lot of his conversation revolving around meals and constantly asking questions he knows the answer to. DH has that plus the grumpiness. I worry about the future. The DCs are getting to the point where they're becoming more and more independent, I’m not sure how I’ll cope when it’s just us. Get lots of hobbies out of the house I suppose?!

Their testosterone changes/drops and they do feel grumpier and less dynamic. It’s a bit like menopause. They need to eat well, cut out alcohol and exercise more to feel good

I think men lose a lot of their oomph in their 40’s. They look at their lives and it’s not panned out as they wanted. Everything always seems like a disappointment to some men.

It's a bit early for that. It normally starts in men's 60s. There is a very definite shift then. My exH however started being very right wing at about 45 and supporting Farage. It was intolerable. His personality totally changed.

It does rather sound as though he isn't enjoying life all that much. But blaming it on and taking it out on the world and the people around him rather than looking inwards.

Does he spend a lot of time with fellow grumpy old men, either in real life of on eg facebook?

Id be inclined to gently tease him a bit - if it dawns on him that it's not the sexy, manly, confident bloke you were drawn to when you married him he might become a bit more self aware about it.

My dh definitely started to struggle with the stresses of family work and financial responsibilities at that age - he became a bit crabby, then sadly he became physically ill before we realised that he wasn't coping (he's ok now but it was nasty at the time!).

Not saying this will happen to your dh (or is common, I think we were unlucky) but maybe you could also do a bit of gentle probing about his state of mind.

Same here! Dh is 54 & his personality has slowly changed over the past few years. He moans a lot,about all sort of shit. Has become more right wing politically (whilst I'm more left). He's always right too.
I've mellowed a lot more since going through the menopause (which was horrendous),so I try not to let it get to me as deep down he's a good guy,with a good heart,so I try to remember that,& it's not that bad that it makes me want to leave.
But I agree with everyone else,it is hard at times.

He definitely needs to improve his lifestyle, he’s part of that generation that binge drank every weekend and he’s only really starting to ease off that now - after 20+ years of it. He’s had to cut back drinking purely because of the health issues he’s had. A lot of his friends still carry on the same way, but also they seem to manage to keep active and have a less jaded view of the world.

I think disappointment in how things have panned out might also be playing a part, although objectively we’ve been very lucky. We’ve got lovely kids, a house, his career has taken off. He doesn’t seem very happy though, his moods are quite extreme

To be fair, he's not wrong. I'm pretty grumpy about all the woke BS too.

I think the shifting to the right thing as you get older is interesting. I think it has to do with the loss of idealism. When I was young, I was extremely left wing and believed in a communist utopia. But life has a way of knocking stupid ideas out of your head. I now think it's almost a miracle that society hangs together at all, and that idealism and zealotry are extremely dangerous. While I still believe in high taxation and a well funded welfare state, I have definitely shifted to the right culturally, but more because what is defined as right wing is so broad now. For instance, I've always believed in free speech when I was on the left, but believing in it now practically makes you far right.

it used to be said if you aren't communist before you are 30 you have got no heart; if you are communist after you are 30 you have got no brain.

It's very common as men age.

To be fair they have to cope with us and peri menopause as we age, so a bit of give and take is wise.

Habits of thinking and behaving can get very solidified and be hard to shift.

But those habits and behaviour have an effect on others and you have the right to speak out if they're distressing you.

I'd be inclined to write it all down, get clear, then have a formal conversation with him. Present it as something you're worried and upset by. It may be caused by a health issue. The mood swings may be caused by anxiety, fear over finance, work, etc.

Be prepared for angry, defensive reactions, so choose words with care.

Maybe a complete look at your lifestyles together? Diet, exercise, drink, sunlight, good sleep, addressing financial and health worries, etc.

Or if may be this is the real him, coming out. Do you want this to go on? It does get worse.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/male-menopause/

I think men who are like this weren't exciting to begin with. This lack of zest and descent into old age just finished them off. DP's just hit 50, but he's still quite lively. He still pursues his interests, such as performing music live, and is fiercely involved in business and politics, but is very open to others' points of view.. I also think a lifetime of fitness has put him in good stead mentally and physically.
Let's be fair some men look horrendous going into their 40's they know it as well.

Exh is exactly like this. He is now mid 50s and he has changed beyond recognition since I met him in his late 20s. He is so old-fashioned and he says things even my dad in his 80s wouldn’t say. The teen dc come home after seeing him and I don’t want to hear about his rants as it winds me up!

Harder for you op as you are still with yours 😐

My DH has been like this since Brexit. .He's become very negative and critical. Its like he's had a personality transplant as he was always very positive and outgoing. He still exercises a lot and has a very successful business. He's getting me down. He has had health issues and bereavements so I have tried to support him but it's difficult. You have my sympathy OP.

Sympathy here also OP. My DH is identical and it's very draining. I play peacemaker most of the time, shielding the kids from DH's moods as he grumbles about everything from world politics to the neighbours' parking.
I do wonder how long I can (or should) put up with him..

It is not inevitable. My DH is 76, still left wing, still exercises and is still funny and friendly. I think the grumpy blokes who think you will put up with anything need a bloody good fright.

What sort of fright are you suggesting?

I think they meant a threat to leave or a temporary separation unless/until they buck themselves up a bit

My dp is early 60s, still physically fit and active (Gym 4 times a week etc), likes being out and about, doing stuff, listening to new music, travel, new experiences.

I think that for everyone - not just men - keeping an open mind and being Open to new experiences is vital. And you have to actively pursue that open mindedness.