AIBU or is he dead inside

[Grindinghog]

This evening I was building furniture in another room. One of the parts fell, hit me in the face/mouth and clattered to the floor.

OH asks from the other room - are you okay? I said no.

He walks into the room, I'm crouched on the floor holding my face (with tears streaming down my face) and explained that it had hit me in the mouth.

He stood for a second, then our child came in the room and he left with her.

AIBU to have expected bit more compassion? He didn't even come in the fucking room properly, didn't ask if he could help or to look and assess if there was any real damage etc.

He asked if you were OK and protected your child from potential trauma. I don't think he is wrong here

YANBU. Although you could say he was preventing DC from seeing you in pain and crying, her should have come back. You were crying for goodness sake, he should have asked what happened, checked you still had all your teeth and given you a big hug!

Trauma, what the hell? A child is not going to be traumatized by seeing a parent suffer a fairly minor injury.

If you were hurt and crying the natural reaction from someone who loves you would have been to come over to you and comfort you.
Is he normally so cold and unsympathetic in his behaviour? It certainly doesn't sound like a reaction of a loving partner.

The op was crouched on the floor with tears pouring down their face. That could be very traumatising for a child. I was traumatised by toilet seats as a child. Ridiculous now but small children need protecting from seeing their mother in a heightened state of distress. We don't know if the op's partner came back after. He probably should have once their child was ok. But in the moment he didn't do anything wrong

@Itstherichthatgetthepleasureasusual I think you've hit the nail on the head. It's not a reaction you'd expect from someone who "loves you"

He is normally extremely cold and unsympathetic, rarely says anything complimentary or kind.

"He asked if you were OK"

Yes and the answer was No!

small children need protecting from seeing their mother in a heightened state of distress

I seriously doubt a small child is going to be traumatized by seeing their mother crying after an accident, seeing their father comfort and tend to their mother, and seeing the tears resolve and the incident pass. Trauma is typically caused by scary and unresolved incidents, not by witnessing the course of normal life, which isn’t always incident-free. The mother hadn’t been hit by a car or fallen off a roof.

I'm so sorry to read this Op. How are you now?

Historically, has your OH been supportive in this kind of instance? How old is your child? Is your relationship on the rocks or is this odd behaviour and everything is usually fine?

It sounds terrible to go through, I hope you're alright.

no, but a parent out of control of their reactions, crouching and crying, yes, that would be very disturbing for a young child

I stand by what I say. Children can be traumatised by seemingly innocuous things. You don't know how that child would have felt in that situation. Not do I. But it's better to err on the side of caution

Crying in the minute or two after a sharp pain isnt being out of control of your reactions. It’s a normal response to temporary pain. Children do it all the time, they’re hardly going to be traumatised by seeing someone else do it, as long as the incident passes.

I am sorry you got hurt, both physically and emotionally!

I came on to say I have sometimes felt the same - if I am cooking and drop something on my foot or brush my arm on a scalding hot cooking pot for example (I am quite clumsy) and shriek/cry, both my daughter and my partner can sometimes be very underwhelming in their reaction, and it does upset me.

However, they are generally both loving people who I believe care for me, and I think they actually just think I overreact to minor instances (I can be quite melodramatic and sweary I guess, especially when cooking). I have come to accept that they are not genuinely indifferent as to my well-being - they just don't feel my kitchen accidents are that serious ..... (I may speak to both of them about it however, as it is something that has upset me in the past, and we do try to always work on our communication and be honest about what upsets us ....)

Anyway, I scarcely think this is relevant now OP, having read your update about how cold your partner always is. Clearly this is just another instance.

Depending on how you feel about him, I would be tempted to call it a day, I think. Not just over this, but because of the way you say he always is. If you do still love him, it is worth seeing if he is open to working on it. I do believe people can change for the better in relationships if they are committed to doing so - both my partner and I are living proof of that - but only if they really want to.

If you tell your partner what you have said here, obviously initially he may react defensively, but given time to think, if he is at all a good man he will feel awful he had hurt you and want to do better. If he doesn't the answer is clear, sadly.

I wish you luck whatever happens.

He sounds just like my ex who, it turned out, was ND. I know some posters will falling over each other to be the first to flame me for mentioning Autism but I'm just pointing out that he sounds like someone I knew who is 🤷🏼‍♀️
Then again, my diagnosed Autistic DD has absolutely tonnes of empathy & compassion so he may well just be a bit of a dick.....

Hi Op, I'd missed that you said he is extremely cold and unsympathetic.

Are you trapped in this relationship? Do you have a support network you could reach out to?

Is it possible to consider leaving?

Children can be traumatised by seemingly innocuous things.

Only in rather rare circumstances I would think, and if something seems completely innocuous it’s hard to understand how you’re meant to avoid your child being accidentally traumatized by it. This seems a very cotton-wool approach to parenting.

You are either a terrible and cold person to be in a relationship with or you have standards for a partner that are a centimetre off the floor.

Protect from potential trauma? This wasn't a limb being sliced off where you cover a child's eyes. Life happens. Children need to be taught how to deal with it properly.

The child was taught that when someone you love is injured you walk away. That isn't what I would like my children to learn. I would like them to see me go to my loved one and say oh my goodness are you ok? what can I do? Then they might grow up to be normal empathetic human beings.

I hope you are ok OP. Your husband is not a nice man.

Wow that is cold 😢 my DH isn't one to make a big fuss of me but he definitely would have come over and put his arms round me, lifted me up and had a look to see where I was hurt if he found me like that. I can't believe he just walked out of the room! 😱 did he say anything to you afterwards? Did tell him you're upset with his lack of care and compassion?

I can assure you I am far from a terrible cold person. But children should always come first. It is unclear if the dh / dp came back after. Of course they should have done. The cold unsympathetic comment was a drip feed and we don't actually know how old the child is. If the child is pre school then this could form part of their formative memories and absolutely could be traumatising. Like I said earlier. I was traumatised by daft things as a 4 year old. If the child in question is say 9 then the op is not as much in the wrong. There are too many unknown variables with this

Thank you everyone for the reassurance. As I said this kind of behaviour is normal for him but it still comes as a surprise and is hurtful when it happens. I have considered leaving, quite frequently. Things are extremely bland, we don't do anything together as a couple anymore, no affection etc. Day to day things are just ticking along, we have a shared interest that is our child, we don't argue and things are just "okay".

But it's extremely hurtful in instances like this, or when one might hope for words of support, praise or affirmation and they fail to come.

I have told him how I feel, probably not in the best way but I was upset. We haven't spoken since then which was around an hour ago.

@sandrapinchedmysandwich no he didn't return afterwards, and I wouldn't say he had the emotional intelligence to be attempting to "shield our child from trauma"

Crap. Probably more traumatic for the poor child seeing their crying mother not being comforted by their father.

Well if that's the case then that's a totally different thing

Sadly, it won't get any better. Most people treat total strangers better than than, let alone a loved one. His actions are telling you very clearly what he thinks of you. Listen. You deserve so much more.

Its shit, OP. Just ignore the posters who explain away your dh’s coldness and disinterest as somehow virtuous.

As for the one who thinks children need protection from trauma: sure but they need to know that their parents can take care of each ither and manage small household crises even more.

I cut my finger when I was cooking (rather seriously and bloodily) and my two were toddler age. I called my dh for help and he basically teleported to my side, helped me calm the children, cleaned up the gouts of blood, and took over cooking and childcare.

Because people who love you empathize with you.

Our
Union is like this:
You feel cold
So I reach for a blanket to cover
Our shivering feet.
A hunger comes into your body
So I run to my garden
And start digging potatoes.
You ask for a few words of comfort and guidance,
I quickly kneel at your side offering you
This whole book—
As a gift.
You ache with loneliness one night
So much you weep
And I say,
Here’s a rope,
Tie it around me,
Hafiz
Will be your companion
for life.

—Hafiz